Everything You Need to Know About Orgasms
Ah, the orgasm! The cherry on the top of any sexual experience. The coup de gras of a night of hot sex! Whether your orgasm comes from masturbation, oral sex, intercourse, anal sex or any other sexual stimulation, it is the reason why we engage in sexual play. Whether you have just one or many, we all crave that orgasmic release. Orgasms are fun! Orgasms feel fantastic! Everyone wants more orgasms! However, did you know that there are different types of orgasms? Did you know that you can have an orgasm that lasts more than a few minutes? Did you know that men can have multiple orgasms? Did you know the gspot orgasm is real? Here's everything you need to know about orgasms!
First, a general definition of orgasm:
The accepted definition of orgasm, as given by Masters and Johnson, is as follows, "An orgasm is the sudden discharge of accumulated sexual tension resulting in rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvic region that produce sensations followed by rapid relaxation. Orgasm is also in part a psychological experience of pleasure and abandon, when the mind is focused solely on the personal experience."
People often ask if an orgasm is different for women than for men. The answer is yes and no. Orgasm is the same general occurrence for both males and females, with those involuntary contractions that produce pleasing sensations. However, for females there are more variances in the methods of achieving orgasm. Women can sometimes achieve orgasm without touching their vaginal area or clitoris, whereas males are not likely to have an orgasm without penile stimulation.
For women, more than men, an orgasm is a whole-body experience and this requires a mind-body connection. Women need to feel connected, protected, safe, and yes, loved, in order to have seriously intense orgasms. This is a generalized rule, but it is true more often than not.
There are thought to be 6 main steps to the female orgasm, and each step has its own purpose.
*Step 1: Mental Arousal. As I have mentioned, a mind-body connection is a huge asset to arousal and orgasm. Women begin their mental arousal way before the physical arousal, oftentimes fantasizing about certain scenarios or specific sexual situations with a person whom they are attracted to. Women are not often just attracted to a man/ woman based on looks alone, but often also look for something outside of appearance to draw them in. Intellectual prowess can be one example of something that women find appealing, as well as the ability to provide monetarily. Mental arousal can also occur when her love interest is complimentary toward her, telling her she is beautiful for example. Any intimate connection will aid in arousal.
*Step 2: Physical Arousal. Women often require much more foreplay than men. Kissing, cuddling, fondling, breast play, fingering, oral sex; all of these activities aid in her actual arousal. The average amount of time a female requires to reach adequate arousal for comfortable intercourse (meaning, she is well lubricated and excited) is around 15 minutes of continuous foreplay. The wonderful thing about the female anatomy is that there are often many more erogenous zones than on a male. Women, for example, can sometimes reach orgasm just through nipple stimulation alone. Others may respond to kissing of the inner thighs. Every woman is different and responds to things individually, but overall a woman is much more likely to have an orgasm if she is properly warmed up, physically aroused, before and attempt at orgasm.
*Step 3: Direct Stimulation. You may be surprised to know that 85% of ALL women NEED clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. This means that they are unable to orgasm through sex alone. The clitoris is the primary source of female pleasure. It is, in essence, the female penis, and it has 8,000 nerve endings which is twice as many as the head of a penis in a super small space. Lucky women, right? When the clitoris is stimulated through touch it engorges with blood (just like the penis does when a man becomes aroused) and then it becomes more sensitive to touch. Continued stimulation will result in pleasurable feelings and, eventually, orgasm.
*Step 4: Pre-Orgasm. Once the body is aware that there is mental and physical arousal through direct stimulation, it begins to prepare itself for a possible orgasm. Blood will rush to the nether regions, clitoris, vaginal lips, clitoral hood, and bottom areas of the female anatomy. Breathing becomes shallow, heart rate speeds up, nipples harden, clitoris grows, chest and face may become flushed, pupils dilate, and a sort of involuntary pelvic grinding occurs. Directly before orgasm there may be a noticeable flexing or pulsing of the vaginal / anal muscles which will continue through orgasm. There will be a noticeable increase in bodily lubrication and the body becomes alive with sensations like little shock waves excitement. Orgasm is almost here!
*Step 5: Orgasm. (3 Types)
Type 1- Clitoral Orgasm:
This is the most common type of female orgasm and occurs, obviously, when the clitoris is properly stimulated. Once stimulation occurs, blood flows and engorges the clitoris and the sensations get more and more intense. Her body will likely feel warm and tingly as blood flows and the pleasure hormone, oxytocin, begins rushing through her. These feelings will reach their peak and she will experience very rapid and involuntary contractions of her PC (pelvic / Kegel) and anal muscles. Lubrication will increase (commonly known as "cumming"), but this is NOT ejaculation. This contraction serves a purpose in procreation and helps the sperm reach the egg, which is why doctors and experts suggest trying to have an orgasm when trying to conceive. These feelings can last from a few seconds to over a minute for those lucky women. Eventually, there will be a decrease in sensations as the female refractory (post-orgasm) period begins.
Type 2- Internal Orgasm:
Some women are able to achieve orgasm through internal stimulation also, usually in combination with clitoral stimulation, but sometimes even without. This orgasm is not a G-Spot orgasm, and is different in sensation from a clitoral orgasm, but the aforementioned steps leading up to orgasm are the same. Women who experience internal orgasms (as I do) report that the intenseness of the orgasm is a little less, but overall the orgasmic sensations are the same.
Type 3- G-Spot Orgasm:
Yes, the G-Spot is real, and a G-Spot orgasm is without a doubt the most intense orgasm a woman can have. Unfortunately, most women will never experience a G-Spot orgasm because the road to achieving this elusive orgasm is wrought with very intense pleasure that many women find painful, so they give up before the crescendo! In any case, when the G-Spot (located approximately 1-3 inches inside the vaginal canal on the UPPER side) is stimulated appropriately and for the proper length of time, an extremely intense, full-body orgasm can occur. This orgasm may even be accompanied by female-ejaculation, squirting, which can be anywhere from a few drops to literally fountain-like ejaculation. Women who experience G-Spot orgasms describe them as fully draining, super intense, body-shaking, painful, and the best orgasm of their lives. The road to this sort of orgasm is slightly different in that while the pleasing feelings and sensations are the same, they are more intense. Then, right before orgasm, there is a very urgent feeling that you need to urinate. This is normal, and most women stop here for fear of peeing on themselves, but if they allow themselves further stimulation they will have the orgasm. If continued stimulation occurs, she likely will be able to have further orgasms as well until she simply cannot orgasm any more.
*Step 6: Refractory Period. Have you gone to rub your partner's clit soon after climax and she seemed to almost literally run away? That is because of the refractory period; the time after orgasm within a person cannot be sexually stimulated due to intense sensations. For men, this period is much different and can last much longer. In females the refractory period can be nearly non-existent, meaning she can move right into the build-up of her next orgasm immediately. During the refractory period the female's clitoris is so sensitive that she likely cannot endure much stimulation. Oftentimes, this is why women only have one orgasm, when truly they could be having multiples or consecutive orgasms. When you can push past those uncomfortable sensations to continue stimulate your body will build back up toward the next orgasm, and oftentimes they will come closer together and be more intense with each one. Women who have G-Spot orgasms are often the ones who can push past their discomfort in the refractory period. So, keep that in mind when figuring out how many orgasms you want to eventually have in a sexual session 1 or MORE than 1!
For more information on the female orgasm see: The Female Orgasm Explained
The holy grail of orgasms for women is the G-Spot orgasm. This orgasm is known to be the most intense orgasm possible, and sometimes it can cause female ejaculation (squirting). The G-Spot is located inside the vagina, about 1-3 inches, on the top wall (belly side). Properly stimulating the G-Spot to achieve orgasm requires a firm touch as well as patience, patience and more patience. It is easier to achieve with a partner, but is not impossible to achieve solo with the correct G-Spot toys. While stimulating the G-Spot is always generally pleasurable, most women will never experience a true G-Spot orgasm and even fewer will ejaculate. Associated with G-Spot orgasms is the image of "squirting". Commonly seen in pornography, squirting orgasms are marked by large amounts of fluid being expressed (ejaculated) from the female during a very intense orgasmic experience. Squirting is rare. Extremely rare in fact. Most women will never experience a true G-Spot orgasm, and even fewer will encounter any level of ejaculation.
G-Spot stimulation and orgasm is such a complex subject that it has already been adequately covered in a blog, Everything G-Spot. So if you are interested in knowing more about the G-Spot, how to achieve a solo orgasm, or how to give your lover a G-Spot orgasm, read this blog or the following ones as well:
-Everything You Need To Know About Squirting Orgasms
- 5 Ways To Achieve A Squirting G-Spot Orgasm
Typically, a blended orgasm is when clitoral (external) stimulation and inner vaginal or G-Spot (internal) stimulation are combined into one fantastic and intense orgasm. This is not to be confused with a G-Spot orgasm (which usually also requires clitoral stimulation). A blended orgasm is when being internally stimulated brings the arousal to a higher level than just with clitoral stimulation alone. For most women, adding in internal stimulation through intercourse or toy play makes the orgasm much more intense.
Oftentimes during masturbation a woman will not add in internal stimulation and will concentrate solely on her clitoris. While this is pleasurable, and will mostly likely result in orgasm, adding in the internal stimulation will often bring the orgasm much more quickly than with clitoral stimulation alone, as well as aid in having the orgasm in general. In fact, this technique is discussed in: How To Orgasm Faster. (see point #2). This is important to note, especially if you have issues reaching orgasm.
For more specific information on blended orgasms, as well as how to have one on your own, see What Is A Blended Orgasm.
For further reading if interested: there is one more type of orgasm which has been getting some play in magazine articles, and even on the Oprah show a few years ago. It is called a Birthgasm! Yes, you read that correctly, this is an orgasm that occurs when she is giving birth! If you are curious about this please see: All About The Birthgasm.
Masturbation is an important part of sexual health, and even people with satisfying sex lives should masturbate on a regular basis. For females, especially, regular masturbation to orgasm actually helps to keep the body healthier by keeping the pelvic floor muscles in good shape, which decreases the chances of certain medical issues, such as a sliding bladder, later in life. Having regular orgasms also helps to reduce stress and increases the chances of having orgasms during intercourse or sexual play with a partner.
There are various methods to achieve orgasm, but the most common one is through clitoral stimulation. Since the clitoris is the most sensitive part of a woman's body, it is the most direct link to sexual satisfaction. As discussed above, there are other types of stimulations that can lead to various types of orgasms and women should experiment with all of them!
No matter what type of orgasm you are trying to have, there are some tried and true methods or practices that can greatly enhance a woman's chance for achieving orgasm. They are all listed in this article, 5 Ways To Relax Yourself To Orgasm, but here are just a few examples:
Seduce Yourself. Women need to be seduced, and this includes when she is playing solo. Set the scene. Light candles, fluff the pillows, make the bed. Create a sexy environment. Masturbating in a calm, romantic, peaceful place will make the experience that much better.
Relax into Orgasm. The more relaxed a woman is, the more likely she is to have that orgasm. Being able to take a hot bath, relieve muscle tension, or otherwise just relax will increase chances of orgasm.
Fantasize. Women are big into imagining scenarios with their lovers. We love to fantasize, and these fantasies can really help her to get over the hump to having an orgasm. Reading erotica or watching a little porn can supercharge our sexual mindset.
Get Naked. Yes, it is just you. Yes, you should get naked. Completely naked. Or, even better, wear your favorite silky negligee. Why shouldn't you feel sexy when you are making love to yourself?
Now that you have a few tips for getting yourself to the point of orgasm, let's talk multiple orgasm! Some women can have more than one orgasm, this is called having multiple orgasms. Sometimes the orgasms come back to back and other times there is a short refractory period before the next one. In any case, having multiple orgasms doesn't always come easily for some women, but you can train yourself how to have them. If you are interested in having multiple orgasms, read up on some techniques in: How To Have Another Orgasm After The First One.
Another important question you may have is: What happens if you cannot orgasm? A woman's body is a complex entity, and sometimes it doesn't want to cooperate and give up the orgasm. This is no joke, women are complex creatures by nature. We tend to over-analyze everything, we constantly multi-task, and we rarely put ourselves or our needs first. Since a woman's orgasm is dependent on her psychological preparedness as well as physical stimulation, it is no surprise that because of a woman's mental connection to sex and orgasm, women who are unable to relax, or who cannot clear their minds enough to enjoy sexual stimulation sometimes have issues coming to orgasm.
This can be a frustrating problem for her, as well as her partner. Having an elusive orgasm is something that happens to all women at some time or another in their lives. There are many reasons that this may occur: hormonal fluctuations, medicinal side-effects, menopausal side-effects, or disconnection from partner to name just a few. If you find yourself unable to orgasm, read my blog, What To Do If You Can't Orgasm, and see if you can find some release.
I think it is common knowledge that most men really do desire to give their partners an orgasm, or orgasms, if possible. It is good for their sexual self-esteem, as well as for the sexual relationship. Being an adept lover and being able to deliver her into orgasmic bliss is important and a very intimate exchange. Many men want to know how to make her orgasm, especially during sex. There are many things that you can do that will help her to connect with you and have those orgasms! I explain these fully in this blog, 5 Ways To Orgasm During Sex, but here are just a few to get started:
- Have an intimate connection w/ her.
- Make it fun for her, allow her to relax!
- Circle of pleasure, let her know that you get off getting her off!
- Know how SHE likes to touch herself!
- Leave all stress out of the bedroom!
- Foreplay, foreplay, and more foreplay!
- Pay attention to her clit!
- Explore her body, find what she likes!
Now, many men simply want to know, what sex positions will help her have an orgasm. These are discussed in 7 Sex Positions To Make Her Orgasm, and 3 Best Sex Positions To Make Her Orgasm, but here they are, summarized:
Oral Sex. Since 85% of all women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, oral sex is the most direct way to achieve this.
Missionary Position. This position offers possible clitoral rubbing, it is effective for orgasm.
Edge of the Bed. This allows her to have deep penetration as well as being able to stimulate her clitoris.
Doggy Style. This is a deep penetration position where she can provide her own clitoral stimulation.
Cowgirl. Being on top and in control can often throw her into orgasm, especially if she can get some clitoral stimulation.
Reverse Cowgirl. Often more effective, again being on top but being able to lower herself down and again gain clitoral stimulation is a plus.
Flat on her Stomach. This position offers a very deep penetrative angle AND clitoral rubbing while he thrusts.
Lastly, don't forget about the G-Spot orgasm! As already mentioned, the G-Spot orgasm is the holy grail of all the orgasms, and something that men really aspire to when it comes to being a proficient lover. Unfortunately, because of the patience it takes to achieve proper G-Spot stimulation, combined with the fact that some women will never have a G-Spot orgasm, many men don't even try to give their lovers a G-Spot orgasm. However, if you are a determined man and want to know more specifically how to do this, then please read, G-T: 3 Techniques To Give Her A Squirting Orgasm.
Can you tell if your partner has had an orgasm? Do you suspect that all of that moaning and groaning isn't authentic, and she is just faking it to boost your ego? Or, did you assume she had the orgasm because, well, you had one? The thing about the female orgasm is that you can miss it. Seriously, you can. Knowing the signs of female orgasm are important to figuring out if she is faking it or not. Also, having open communication is the most important thing in a sexual relationship. You want your partner to trust you enough to tell you when she isn't climaxing. That way, you can work on getting to that climax together!
The female body does give out certain hints that she is having a real orgasm. If you look for these bodily signals, then you can be more confident that she has achieved climax:
Increased Heartbeat. As the adrenaline begins to flow through the body during arousal and before orgasm, her heart rate will speed up exponentially. You can sometimes feel this if you happen to be anywhere near her breasts. Her breathing will also become more labored, and she will seem like she is almost exercising.
Nipples Harden/ Face Flush. A woman's nipples are an important part of her sexual response, and hardened nipples usually indicate extreme arousal. Some women also experience facial flushing or even reddening that is noticeable. Chest flushing (the area around the collarbone and down to the breasts) is also very common pre-orgasm.
Pupils Dilate. While you may not be able to see this, if you happen to be looking into your lover's eyes and notice this is happening then she is definitely on the road to orgasm.
Trembling, gyrating, muscle tightness. When she starts gyrating her hips and her body starts trembling then it is very likely she is reaching her orgasm. Also, the muscles tend to get tight as they prepare for the release of orgasm.
Clitoral/ Anal Contractions. This sign you cannot fake, and it is the most obvious sign of her orgasm. You should be able to see (if you are face to vagina) or feel (fingers or penis) these contractions. They will be very rapid and extremely strong. They will slow down and get less tight after a few seconds. This is the definite sign of female orgasm.
Dirty Talk. When something feels so good, orgasmically good, some women tend to pull out the dirty talk. If you notice this is happening, then keep on doing what you are doing.
Scratching. If she grabs your head to keep you between her legs, or wraps her legs around you tightly, then she wants you to keep on doing what you are, so you had better.
Breast grabbing / clitoral rubbing. If you notice her grabbing her own breasts, or rubbing her own clitoris, then she is likely trying to get herself over the hump. Let her help herself get her there!
These are, of course, not an exhaustive list of orgasm signs, but they are some of the main ones. For more information on detecting if your partner is having an orgasm see these blogs:
-5 Signs She Is Actually Having An Orgasm
-8 Times You Thought She Had An Orgasm
-Signs of a Real Orgasm
The definition of orgasm holds up for the male orgasm as well, and it is the same psychological / physical culmination of sexual stimulation resulting in involuntary contractions and release. However, there are differences in how a male becomes aroused, as well as differences in the mental component. Not to mention a female can engage in sexual play if she is not aroused, whereas for a male, well, if the penis doesn't become erect it can hinder things quite a bit.
*Step 1: Arousal. For men, arousal can be a nearly instantaneous event, especially in early puberty years, and can happen without any physical touch at all. As men get older, however, arousal may take a little more time and stimulation. The male arousal process is different from a female's in that men are extremely visual, so simply seeing a person that he finds sexually stimulating can cause arousal. Men tend to go from seeing someone whom they have attraction for to vivid sexual thoughts or scenarios almost instantly.
This arousal state signals his brain to tell his penis that it is time for erection. An erection happens when blood rushes to the penis at up to 50 times the normal speed and the veins circulating the blood into the penis are closed off by a valve, forcing the blood to stay in the penis, causing the erection. Once ejaculation occurs, or if stimulation doesn't continue, the valve opens and the blood drains from the penis causing limpness.
Some men experience erectile dysfunction on various levels or with different levels of severity. This does not preclude arousal. Meaning, a man's arousal is not marked only by him obtaining erection. Many men will get extremely aroused, but their penis may not cooperate or get as hard as they would like or need for intercourse. A fully erect period is not always needed for orgasm, however.
*Step 2: Stimulation. In a man's youngest years, it is possible to have an orgasm without any stimulation. Such as sitting in class and imagining sexual scenarios with a girl whom he finds attraction. This is involuntary and is due, mostly, to the raging hormones in the teenage boy's body. Generally speaking, however, an orgasm won't occur without some sort of physical stimulation; such as manual (masturbation), oral sex, intercourse, or anal sex. Once these stimulations occur the orgasm sequence begins. The amount of time stimulation is needed varies from man to man and can be from a few seconds (yes, seconds) to more than an hour.
*Step 3: Preparation. At this point in the cycle the body will begin preparing for the impending orgasm. His heart rate will increase significantly, he will move involuntarily , usually pelvic thrusting, his muscles (most notably his thighs, stomach and buttocks) start to contract and his testicles will shrink up and become very tight. He will begin to produce more pre-ejaculate (pre-cum), which signals extreme arousal as well as prepares the urethra (the pathway where the ejaculate and urine exit the body) for sperm survival by changing the Ph balance to make it more suitable for his little swimmers.
*Step 4: Orgasm. The male orgasm has two phases: emission and ejaculation. Emission is the state where there will be an ejaculatory response, and this happens when semen is deposited near the top of the urethra.
The final step is ejaculation (cumming) where the strong and rhythmic muscle contractions force the ejaculate through the urethra. The pleasure experienced during ejaculation is the orgasm. The amount of ejaculate varies per man and, sometimes, per sexual session. If a man ejaculates more than once a day, he may not have as much ejaculate. Conversely, if it has been a while since he has ejaculated the amount can be much greater. Interestingly, a man can have an orgasm and not ejaculate at all.
Important note: sperm and semen are not the same thing. Sperm is the little DNA ridden swimmers that can make a baby if it meets an egg, whereas semen is just the liquid the body produces to carry the sperm to meet the egg.
*Step 5: Refractory period. Just like women, men also have a refractory period, and this is usually when he will fall asleep. For a man, the refractory period marks a time when his penis is EXTREMELY sensitive and may not be touchable at all. During this time his penis will deflate as the blood leaves the penis, his adrenaline will return to normal, he will feel drowsy and sated. During this time a man cannot usually achieve another erection, nor orgasm, and this period can be anywhere from a few minutes (teenage males) to many hours or even days (elder males). There are exceptions to this rule, and some men are able to get another erection rather quickly after orgasm.
For more information on the male orgasm, see:
-What Happens When A Man Orgasms
-The Male Orgasm Explained
Blowjobs. It is true, men love blowjobs. Blowjobs are extremely intense, very intimate, and provide constant and erotic pleasure. They are a very intimate exchange, and, performing a blowjob should be a fun and pleasing experience for you as well. Most men should be able to orgasm through oral attentions, although there are exceptions to this rule.
If you want to know all about the many, many techniques of blowjob giving, then these popular BJ blogs:
- How To Give A Blowjob
- How To Give A Better Blowjob
- 7 BJ Tips Every Woman Should Know
Handjobs. Personally, I think hand jobs are only good in accompaniment to a good blowjob, but maybe that is just my issue. A good hand job will make him feel like you are making love to him with your hands. They use a lot of lube, varying motions, and the appropriate grip. Hand jobs are an acquired taste, so experiment with your man to see what he likes.
Of course, sex is one of the best ways to give your man an orgasm. Oftentimes, just taking control of the situation, getting up on top and enjoying yourself will be enough to push him into his climax. Or, he can take the reigns and deliver his own orgasm. Either way it seems pretty obvious that sex can deliver an orgasm to your guy.
So, there you go, everything you need to know about orgasms, now don't you want to go and have a few? Go do it!