A while ago on forum a topic was started regarding the disconnection of couples. How and why does it happen, were the main questions. I have written a few articles on similar subjects, but not quite in this manner. I responded with a follow-up post, but decided to lengthen and improve my answer, so that more people may get some answers as to why their relationship is sexually disconnected. Hopefully, this article will reach those persons who do not visit the discussion forum – and perhaps help to at least begin the answering process.
Why do some women refuse to give a blowjob? Or, why do some men demand blowjobs but refuse to engage in oral sex with their significant other? Or, why do couples go months even years without sex?? It seems as though these couples are in a massive sexual disconnect and do not know why. Does it happen overnight? Is it a gradual process? Do they KNOW they are disconnected? Do they care? Does talking make it better or worse? Why does this happen in many relationships and marriages? Most couples begin their relationships or marriages giving a fair amount of effort toward the success of the relationship. They are sexually charged, hot and horny for the other, eager to please and BE pleased. This 'honeymoon' period can last for a few years, or a few months or, in rare cases, the entire relationship. What happens in a relationship to cause this eager-to-please attitude to end? Surely it is not a conscious decision to just stop having sex. For some couples, it could be children, stress, careers or school demands. Claiming exhaustion of loss of time as the 'reason' for the disconnect. Is this really valid? Is this a true reason or explanation for disconnecting from your partner? I submit that it isn't. I have a job (3, actually), I have 2 children under 7, I have responsibilities, money issues, housework - yet, I MAKE time to connect with my hubby on a sexual and intimate level. Is it easy? No, not always, but who said marriage would be easy? Sometimes this means a quickie - sometimes it means a marathon session - but it means that we stay connected with each other in this important manner.
Does this mean that we have ALWAYS had this kind of relationship? No, of course not. Every couple goes through issues, stagnant times, and disconnection. We did, for a few years. We were submerged in careers and a new child. We made excuses that we just didn't have time. We started becoming separate entities living in the same household. I didn't like being like this - it felt unnatural to me to be this disconnected. I decided that I had to change it. I talked to my hubby about 'sex dates' and making time to have fun in the bedroom. At first, it was hard, it took effort - but soon it was an expected and welcomed retreat from our lives. It is not something that either one of us is going to let fall by the wayside again - we are in it for the long haul and committed to our relationship - sexually and otherwise. It is something that remains on the top of my mind, and when I get tired from long, hot, summer days and really just want to go to sleep – I look at the man I love and think, ‘nope, we need this connection’ and in just a few minutes I am always glad that we have started sex or foreplay. My previous tiredness leaves, I feel happy and connected. It becomes a good time not a forced time.
Another important key to our sexual success is that we are not willing to let the other do all the work. I would never expect him to eat me out if I weren't willing to give him head. I would never lie there like a blow-up doll and not get emotionally and physically invested in our sex. I don't expect him to initiate sex all the time - nor do I expect to have the same 'type' of sex all the time. I believe (and it works for me) that keeping sex a constantly evolving entity is essential to making sex new and exciting. I mean, come on people, if you are with the same person over and over and can't change THEM, then what do you change? Location, positions, the 'format' of your sex - bring in toys, wear sexy lingerie, take showers together. NEVER make it a programmed event. Always be spontaneous and open to ideas and suggestions from your lover. Be able to indulge in their fantasies, and be willing to discuss your own. It is a fluid condition that you have to be prepared to move with. Does this mean you never have ‘regular sex?’ Well, of course you do, as opposed to NOT having sex at all. However, for us, success comes in the variety – and the variety comes from various places.
So then, what happens when you and your partner are on totally different sexual wavelengths? What if you have a super high sex drive but your partner does not? Let's face it; we all go through high and low times when it comes to sex drive. We can be influenced by any number of factors - age, medicines, hormonal imbalances, stress - and any or all of them can kill or numb our sex drives. How do we attack an issue of imbalance as opposed of lack of desire? We may want in our minds and hearts to have sex - but our bodies’ rebel against us and we end up not enjoying sex or having sex for sex's sake. This can never be good. The first step has got to be analyzing the reasons why our libido has left. Is it just lax attitude and laziness? Yes, I said it, laziness! Come on, you know there are those of you out there who are plain out too lazy to have sex. You have to shave, stay up later, put effort into it. You have to DO something, and you don’t want to. I can relate, I get it, but I could never say I was too lazy for sex. I would rather let the dishes go a night than give up our intimacy.
How To Keep The Romance Alive While Your Partner is Away
People (men and women) have to be willing to ask their doctors about reasons they may not have libido. There are options to regaining libido and sexual interest. If you CARE enough to go and find out. The basic premise here is that if you are in a relationship and care about that person - you should care about your intimate life. As in anything worth having in life, relationships take effort. I feel that when we decide (and it is a decision) to stop trying, that we have just given up on the other person - not the relationship. We are in essence saying "you are not worth the effort" which is a sad proposition. When do things in a relationship get so bad that we just give up? How can we live with another person in marriage or commitment and NOT be intimate with them? How do we expect them to react to our disconection? Should one person carry the burden of a relationship entirely on his or her shoulders? Of course not, marriage is hard enough with TWO people.
How many times have we heard the excuse, “she let herself go” or “he is just not sexy anymore” or even worse, “I am not attracted to him/her any longer?” This happens; we can fall out of lust with our partner. Well, what do you do about that? I suppose it depends on your view of marriage and commitment. My personal view is, if you married them, it is for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, for fatter for thinner, for with hair and without. You love THEM not so much their outer self. I know, unrealistic to think this way. It is true, if you married a size 6 woman and now are looking at a size 26 woman, there may be some lack of desire. You have to be honest – with yourself and your partner. Come on now, that woman KNOWS she is not the same size she was and not by 20 pounds extra either. While it might hurt, I believe in telling the person honestly what is going on with your libido and what they can do to help fix it.
My point here - when we commit to another person and decide to be intimate - it is our obligation to be open, honest and forthcoming with that person. We need to let them know when we are feeling disconnected and need more from them. Barring any serious reason for falling apart (emotional or physical abuse for example) couples need to work to stay together. Oh, and as a side note, withholding sex or alienating affection in general IS emotional abuse! If you have a partner who is doing this - what do you do?
This is a common problem - where one person in the relationship is constantly seeking answers to WHY: Why doesn't she want to have sex? Why won't he eat me out? Why do we go months before having sex? Why is he not interested in me anymore sexually? It is usually not both people seeking these answers. What is the solution? Conversation. Have an honest conversation with your partner and tell them what you NEED. Sure, you want sex - but let's be honest here, sex is a need in a relationship. It is a connection to another person that cannot be replaced or replicated by anything else. Sex is a necessary component to any healthy relationship.
So, what happens when you have HAD the conversation - many times - and he or she says "I will try" (and then doesn't) or "I can't figure out what is wrong" (and leaves it there) or "I am not interested in sex anymore" (and doesn't seem to be bothered by that). How can one person handle the burden of those answers? What does it mean when your mate says, "I just don't want sex," like that is supposed to be OK that sex is off the table? I do not understand these persons who accept these answers. Why settle or agree to a sexless relationship? Or, why commit yourself to a sexless relationship? Why is it OK to think of ourselves as being asexual for the remainder of our relationship? Truthfully, it isn't OK. It is NOT OK! It is not acceptable for any relationship.
We should not take this as the final say (neither partner should) there has to be ways to increase sexual desire and revamp sexual interest. Even couples who are having sex and it is not frequent enough or couples where one person is having sex but not enjoying it. There is a world of information and ideas floating out there. Websites, discussion forums, counselors, marriage classes, sex classes (yes, sex classes), medicinal options for men AND women. It is not a self-fulfilling prophesy to be sexless or have no interest in sex just because you THINK you are destined to. You CAN and SHOULD seek answers. You SHOULD know that you don't have to and shouldn't check the 'optional' box when it comes to sex. You are entitled to sexual fulfillment - and should ENJOY it. Truly, why do people accept sexual disconnection as the last word?
I could go on and on and on and never give a concrete answer. There really isn't ONE answer to this dilemma. It is really a collection of wants, desires, ability, willingness and need to fix it. It is not up to the partner who WANTS the change to fix it - but ultimately, up to the partner who is not interested in sex. It is a self-realization that has to happen. Similar to a smoker and non-smoker living together. One wants the other to quit - the other doesn't want to quit. It comes between them and becomes a tense subject of contention. Can the non-smoker MAKE the smoker quit? Will talking about it make the smoker want to quit or want to smoke MORE? It has to come from the smoker that he or she is ready and willing to at least TRY to quit. The same goes for sex. If one partner wants the other to have sex, and the other doesn't want to - how do we change the mindset of the one with the issue? Can you? Can any amount of talking remedy this?
I think that the key is to inform your partner that you NEED and WANT THEM to be happy. You want and need to pleasure them as much as you want and NEED to be pleasured yourself. It has to be presented in such a manner that both partners know that the other wants what is best and most-fulfilling for BOTH partners. Simply sating what YOU want is not going to cause a mind-shift in the other person. There has to be a realization of that person's unhappiness. There has to be acknowledgement that it is not OK to be that way. IF that person is not able or willing to see that for themselves, then change is never going to occur.
Self-enlightenment is not easy - and in many it is impossible. Knowing what truly lies in one's own heart is more difficult than knowing what lies in the heart of another. So, if there is any answer worth giving when it comes to this depressing and wide spread phenomenon, it is getting the other person to engage in self-evaluation and self-enlightment. If we can show the person we love that they are truly not content, not happy, not sexually fulfilled then perhaps there is the slightest chance that they may look to find answers on their own behalf. For at the end of the day the only person we are truly 'in bed with' is ourselves and our own revelations and thoughts.
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