What To Do If You Have A Higher Libido Than Your Partner

Image of woman and man looking into each other's eyes while laying in bed

Ideally, we would all like to have a partner who has the exact same libido or sex drive or as we do. Unfortunately, or realistically, this is usually not the case and our partner may have a lower drive than we do. It can be very frustrating to want sex when our partner does not, and it can be confusing at times and even cause suspicions or self-esteem issues.

It is important to note, that it is not always the man who has the higher drive. Sometimes we just assume that because of the testosterone, but in reality a woman can have a higher drive than a male partner as well. So, what do you do when it becomes evident that your partner has a higher drive than you do?

Don't Jump To Any Conclusions

"Well, if they aren't having sex with me, they MUST be cheating!" This is absolutely the worst conclusion to jump to. Is it possible? Sure, it is possible. Is it likely? Probably not. There are many reasons why a person's sex drive can lower - or be lower in general - so it is really important not to let the emotions control their responses. This can be even harder to do if you had an active sex life early on in your relationship, and now it has weaned. The fact is, the most active sex always happens in the beginning of a relationship, and it is normal for it to decrease. So, what are some possible reasons that someone's sex drive has lowered? Here are a few possibilities:

      • They have gotten happy and content in the relationship
      • Medication side-effects
      • Depression
      • Stress
      • Issues in the relationship (fights, lack of trust, etc.)
      • Childbirth or new babies in the house
      • Boredom
      • Age
      • Sexual dysfunction
      • Menopause

Try Different Methods To Engage Them

If you are noticing a decrease in your partner's drive, and can't explain it via any standard reason (such as being on a new medication) then you may want to try something different or take a different approach to spark their interest. Try bringing the romance or erotica back into the bedroom. Do something sexual that you rarely or never do (such as surprising your lover in the shower.) Invest in new lingerie, buy some sexual enhancement products, or go for a romantic weekend together where you can lavish yourself in a luxury hotel room and reconnect. The idea is to just see if you can re-spark your partner's passion. Based on this experiment you will know better what the possible reasons for the decline in libido is.

Have An Open & Honest Conversation

Nobody wants to have this conversation. Nobody wants to hear that they are "failing" their partner in bed. Trust me, depending on how you approach this conversation this is exactly how they may feel. It is absolutely essential that you pick your words wisely and avoid ANY accusatory language. The fastest way to have this conversation shut down is to approach it with anger or accusation. Here are positive ways to start the conversation:

  1. "Honey, how are you feeling? How are things at work? Are you stressed?" Inquiring about these general things will help you to get a sense of whether they have other worries affecting their sex life.
  2. "Honey, is everything OK between us? Are you still upset that I yelled at you about the dent in the car?" Something like this will help you to see if there is any resentment being harbored.
  3. "Honey, lately I have been noticing that we have sex a little less. I am just checking in with you to see if everything is fine. I would like us to reconnect." This is, of the three, the most straight up approach. So, just make sure you approach it kindly and with love.

Choosing the proper tone and language is instrumentally important. You may not get any answers at all, but you surely will if you accuse or get angry. So, these are the types of things you want to avoid saying:

  1. "Um, what is the deal? Why don't you want to fuck anymore?"
  2. "Uh, if we don't have a better sex life soon then we are going to have problems!"
  3. "Are you sleeping with someone else cause you sure do not want to fuck me!"
  4. "Are you not attracted to me anymore? Why don't you want sex with me?"

Kindly Suggest A Trip To The Doctor

If your partner has mentioned that they don't know why there is a decrease in libido, it may be time to suggest a trip to the doctor. If it is something that is hormonal, related to menopause, medicinally induced, due to erectile issues or something medically wrong then a doctor may be able to help. Hormonal treatments for women can make a HUGE difference in libido. ED drugs like Cialis or Viagra can also help to boost a man's sex drive if he is suffering from the embarrassment of these conditions.

Decide If You Want To Stay In The Relationship

Sometimes there is no reason why a person's libido is different than your own. If it is a new relationship, this may be a reason to no longer continue. Only you can decide for yourself how much sex factors into your life. While sex should never be the core reason a couple is together, over time a disproportionate sex drive can really drive a wedge between a couple.

Conversely, if you are in a long term relationship, or marriage, and this is a new issue you may have to decide how to handle this. It can be really hard to realize that the passion or the urgency of sex has left the relationship, but it does happen and then you have to decide what to do. Being honest with your partner, discussing the issues, seeing a doctor and even a sex therapist can be wonderful ways to show support while examining the reasons why. Ending an otherwise good relationship over low sex drive seems like a waste. However, if your relationship is not good or solid in other ways, this may be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Be Loving, Supportive & Patient

If you are determined to stay in the relationship because you love your partner, then it will be up to you to be understanding and patient. There may be times when you will want sex, but it is not going to happen. Being patient and loving and trying to keep that intimacy alive in other ways (kissing, cuddling, sleeping naked, massages) will be instrumentally important to maintaining that connection.

Also, a low sex drive does not mean the end of your sex life, it just means that you may have less than you would like. If you love and accept your partner, then this is something you have to love and accept s part of them. If you find it difficult, find a therapist who can help you to process the feelings and disappointments as well as give your ideas on how to perhaps spark your partner's sex drive.

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