Many people feel that the sexual relationships we have are a very important aspect of our romantic and emotional connections in general. Sex fulfills the need for physical intimacy, releases happy hormones, and can even bring children into the world when performed without protection. While sex isn’t always a priority, it can significantly impact our most personal relationships.
We sexual beings often hope to have sex that is intensely intimate and erotically explosive, purposefully passionate, and maybe even a little kinky. But what about what happens when our sexual experience is, well..., less than what we hoped for? What if it is downright unsatisfying? While any sexual relationship may have its ups and downs over the long run, it should ultimately be sexually and emotionally satisfying for both partners. So, what happens when the sex you’re getting is not really fitting the bill for you? Here are some ideas about how to talk to her about unsatisfying sex.
Seek To Understand Your Needs
The first step is to understand what you feel that you’re missing out on in the sack. This might require a bit of mental gymnastics as you hypothesize different scenarios - eventually finding the ideas that you want to bring into your bedroom. For some, it might be that you want her to initiate more often or that you’d like to experiment with a kinky idea or two. The list of possibilities is exhaustive - and ultimately, your needs are going to be uniquely yours. Additionally, while we know that men love to solve problems, this is one that you won’t be able to solve by yourself.
This problem, in particular, will require communication that might become a little uncomfortable (or a lot, depending on your unique circumstances [for example, there would be a significant difference between talking about adding toys or talking about transitioning to polyamory), and you need to be prepared before jumping into the conversation. Speaking of being prepared… there are a few more things you should know before broaching the topic with your lover.
Be Loving In Your Approach
It may be a bit more than just awkward to talk to your lover about your sex life being a little less than perfect. Many women tend to be people-pleasers, and this tendency often translates to the bedroom as well, where they want to please the man they love in the bedroom. The idea that she isn’t meeting your needs can set off a chain reaction of feeling insecure because no one wants to feel like a sexual failure, so be gentle with how you approach the subject and the reasons for the unsatisfying sex.
It can be helpful to imagine the conversation going the other way - with her having notes about increasing her satisfaction - and how you’d feel hearing those details. Imagine how you would want to have the statements and questions phrased so that your feelings weren’t hurt and you had an idea of how to move forward to bring more pleasure for all to the table...or bedroom. Whichever you prefer. The point is to remember to show your love and respect to your partner and yourself while you try to communicate these needs and desires.
Find The Right Words To Explain Clearly & Kindly
You will want to choose your language carefully for a variety of reasons. Some women might tend to be emotional thinkers or may have a tendency to over-analyze specific experiences and statements. Be very mindful of how you craft this discussion so that she doesn’t feel like you are giving her an ultimatum.
For example, “Our sex life needs to get better because I am unhappy” can very easily accidentally translate to “If you don’t give me more sex, I am going to cheat on you or leave you.” The careless phrasing might be straight to the point, but it doesn’t give her an idea of where to start, and it doesn’t reassure her that you want to be in a relationship with her.
This is why choosing a gentle and kind way to bring up the issues in your sex life is essential. You can share what you need to communicate while assuring her that you want to be with her and love her. This open, caring communication is crucial to a constructive discussion that can lead to a better sex life.
Be Prepared To Be Detailed
You have to really think about what it is about your unsatisfying sex life that makes it unsatisfying. Once you have an idea of your needs and have begun opening the discussion - you’ll still need to be prepared to get into detail. Your partner will have questions of their own or even assumptions that you’ll need to clear up. Some of the questions might be like these: Are you not having sex enough in general? Do you want more blowjobs? Am I not putting in the effort you desire? Is there a sex act that you wish to try that you think I won’t want to do (like anal sex)?
Think about what exactly it is that is making your sex life less than satisfactory and give her the benefit of being specific. Remember not to be accusatory (choose your language). For example, saying, “I really enjoy oral sex from you, and it would be very satisfying to experience oral sex more often. I can even do the same for you too if you want it to be mutual.” sounds so much better than just saying, “I don’t get enough head.” It is detailed and still kind - rather than coming off in a negative way.
Don't Forget The Bigger Picture
While both partners in a relationship are often responsible for growing stable careers and taking care of things around the house, women often have a few extra responsibilities and social pressures that many men do not have.
Especially if you have kids - you are both full-time parents, but let’s be serious here, women still often take the brunt of the child-raising responsibilities. Women also often take on the daily cooking and cleaning as part of their daily routine. Don’t get us wrong, we know that some men sometimes take these roles on too! But we want to say that if your woman is the one dealing with the kids, the PTA, the cooking, cleaning, and everything else - she honestly might be stuck in Mommy mode more than lover mode.
If this is the case, how you present the issue of your dissatisfaction to her is very important. She needs to understand that YOU understand her stress and exhaustion. And it is just as crucial for her to know that sex is an essential element of self-care too.
Explain that sex can be a relaxing experience that helps boost happiness and that it can relieve some of her stress - even if just for an hour or so. It also won’t hurt to find a way to help her with the responsibilities that are preventing her from feeling like she has time to be sexy. Be willing to work out solutions that will give you both the space and the time to be sexual adults and reconnect in intimate ways. Do not, however, make it seem like one of her “responsibilities,” as that will almost always go over poorly.
Be Real About Your Expectations
If the reason you feel your sex life feels unsatisfying to you is: she won’t have anal sex with you or give you a blowjob every single day, or you expect to have sex multiple times in a day… Well, you’re going to have to take a step back and think about whether that those desires are REALISTIC or not.
Sure, we all have fantasies that can include those things, but we can’t expect our partners to simply comply with those fantasies, especially if something they’ve said is a “hard no,” also known as a “hard limit.” Not to despair, though, there are realistic solutions to experiencing more satisfying sex. You do need to ask yourself a few questions, though, to clarify what you really desire.
These questions might look something like these: Is your partner giving you sex regularly? Is she giving you oral sex at all? Is she putting in the effort to balance the initiation of sex? IF all of these things are true, but it is still just not enough in frequency - maybe it is time to think about what you REALLY need as far as your satisfaction goes?
This leads back to being sure of what you need to experience sexual pleasure - and if she’s doing all the above - it might be time to think about getting kinky together, maybe with one of our Couple’s Toys or exploring a new-to-you kink. Now, if she is just not putting in the effort, avoiding sex, or seeming uninterested, these can be addressed with a conversation to see what needs to be changed. Just make sure you are realistic in what you expect or desire and communicate it with compassion.
Remember To Do Your Part
This is probably the most important thing to remember – the best sex takes TWO. Great sex is not a one-person job; it does take both of you working together to cum together. You should be as invested in making your partner sexually satisfied in the same way that you want to be sexually satisfied.
Take a good look at your own sexual self - your mannerisms in the bedroom - and see if there is anything else you could be doing for HER as well. Are you giving her oral sex? Are you trying to do things she has mentioned that she likes and desires in bed? Are you both sharing your fantasies with each other?
Sexual pleasure is a two-way street for sure! It can’t be all up to your partner - so be sure you’re doing your part to initiate, make her feel wanted, and find out how much more satisfying sex can be!