12 Hilarious Things That Can Happen During Drunk Sex
Come on, admit it! You have had drunk sex! I am confident in saying that a great majority of sexually active people have crawled into bed a little more intoxicated than they thought and the result can be, well, total hilarity! Being inebriated (or otherwise impaired) can often make for very uninhibited sex – which is a good thing, right? Let’s find out, shall we?
1. “I’M GOING TO F**K YOU STUPID!”
Has that phrase ever come out of a person’s mouth while sober? Doubtful. I have witnessed this travesty of bad judgment first hand. It was not as much the saying of the words as it was WHERE the words were said – at a graduation party, with family and friends all around, by my best friend’s sister to her boyfriend of 4 days. Yup. Methinks someone already looked pretty stupid before the sex.
2. BARFY BLOWJOB
Imagine this – you are in bed with your girlfriend, she is drunk, she wants to give you a blowjob (which you rarely get), you get super excited, throw your clothes to the floor, lay back and let her commence her blow jobbing. You are enjoying everything when you hear it….that gagging sound. Not the “super sexy, frothy, I am deep throating you like a porno goddess” gagging sound. No, you hear the “Oh-My-God-I-Am-So-Drunk-I-Am-Going-To-Puke” gagging sound. Before you can ask if she is OK or move it hits you – her vomit.
3. DIZZY LIZZY
One of the fun things about drunk sex is we all seem to think we can move around and contort much better than we do when we are sober and we also tend to move around a lot faster than we usually do. This is fine and dandy until you add copious amounts of alcohol to the mix and then we tend to get, well, dizzy. This can create a problem especially when you find yourself upside down and getting a little – no a LOT – dizzy! Drunk + Dizzy = vomit.
4. WRONG HOLE
Have you ever had to try and put your key in the door when you have had a few too many? Well, imagine trying to put your penis into a vagina when you can’t stop swaying and she is moving and giggling like a teenager. Sure, all men claim “the wrong hole” defense when they accidentally stick it up your butt, but imagine when they are drunk and really want to have sex and really can’t find the hole – any hole! I once had a friend who had her perineum (space between the vagina and the anus) bruised badly by an enthusiastic drunk lover who couldn’t find the hole then kept repeatedly missing it! Talk about too drunk to fuck.
5. THE SEX NAP
When we are drinking we are convinced we can rule the world! We are ready and eager to show our lover all our super-hot skills. The problem is, once you get to a certain place in your drunkenness you tend to get, well, tired. Often you actually pass out from this state and this can happen at very, very inopportune times. Like, when your lover is down between your legs. Or worse, when YOU are down between your lover’s legs. How about during mid sex while your girl is riding you like a champion? Yup. It happens all the time. The sex nap is not the most wonderful thing about drunk sex, but it happens.
6. “FUCK ME UP MY A$$”
Oh the courage we get from alcohol! The stupid, stupid courage! When we are feeling no pain we are convinced that, well, we will feel no pain so it may be a good time to try anal sex, right? WRONG! Not only can it be dangerous to do when you are inebriated because your pain sensors are dulled but also it can be, well, messy. A friend of mine got drunk one night and decided to give her man the gift of anal sex. Half way through he started going, “oh gross, you are pooping on me!” Yup. She totally was. Not just a little anal sex poop leak – full on pooping! That will teach you to try drunk anal.
7. WHEN YOU GOTTA GO…
We all know that when we drink we pee. We pee a LOT. We pee more than we drank. We all try to pee before we start sex, but what happens when you are having sex and have to pee? Do you stop? Do you keep going? Hold it in? Well, some people just, well, GO. Yes, you heard me. While it is extremely hard to actually pee during sex (especially for a man) it is not impossible, and can actually be probable, to pee during foreplay activities such as oral sex. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go!
8. BUMP AND GRIND
As aforementioned, drunk sex participants tend to go about it with a bit more vigor than normal which can make for some painful experiences. Let’s say you are doing your girl doggy style and you slip and push her into the headboard. Or, perhaps you are getting on top of your guy for some super sexy cowgirl and you bend his penis in the wrong direction (oooowwwiiieeeee)! Not so much funny in either of these situations but definitely embarrassing.
9. STICKING THE DISMOUNT
Sex can be semi-acrobatic for some couples. So, think about this, have you ever seen a balance beam gymnast down a 6 pack and then get up on the beam? HELL NO! It would be downright dangerous. Same goes with sex. Perhaps trying those really complex positions where you have to hold up your partner or align perfectly may not be the best choice for drunk sex night. Take for example my boyfriend’s cousin who, apparently, tried to “mount her man” by jumping onto his erection! Yup! That night ended in the ER. She did not stick the mount or the dismount.
10. THE PARTNER SWAP
Who remembers having drunk college sex in a dorm room or house with hundreds or people all crammed in? Who also remembers shuffling off to the bathroom only to come back to bed and slide in next to someone who you do not even know? Yup, has happened to me more than once! Whomever designed dorm rooms to look exactly the same and then put a bathroom in the middle of the hallway so that when you exit you have to guess which way to go and which door you just emerged from probably never had drunk college dorm sex. What’s even worse is when you start some serious action before realizing that, “hey, that is not my boyfriend’s penis!” The walk of shame has all new meaning here.
11. LOUD LOVERS
Sometimes it is not about how we are having sex but what we are saying while we are having sex. Drunk sex seems to bring out the dirty mouth in everybody and it seems that the louder the better! This can be OK if you are in a private home with no neighbors or children (gasp) to hear your naughty notions but when you are drunk you may tend to forget who is sharing your space. My good friend Jill once called me in total embarrassment after a detailed Q & A between her and her then 11 year old son who wanted to know why she was yelling “spank my ass Daddy, you know how I like it” when Grandpa had been dead for 2 years. It could’ve been worse – trust me, it really could have.
12. WHISKEY DICK / PATRON PUSSY
Yes, it is true, sometimes you really are too drunk to have sex. Men can succumb to that very unfortunate whiskey dick and women can have Patron Pussy, which basically means that she is so dehydrated it is like trying to put your penis into a vagina lined with sandpaper. These conditions can be very embarrassing for both of you and can even get worse if you continue to try and make him / her respond to you. Sometimes you just have to say goodnight and pass out!
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