How to Talk About Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner

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Sexual fantasies: we all have them, largely constrained to the confines of our subconscious minds. We keep them under lock and key because sometimes, our fantasies are otherworldly! The word ‘normal’ doesn’t apply here, as it has a tendency to connote a sort of judgment, and sexuality is a judgement-free zone, hands down. Many fantasies could be considered controversial, but be sure to keep in mind that even the extremes should be treated as a fantasy and not real life.

Our sexual fantasies and desires can border ‘unusual’ when juxtaposed against traditional sex and because of this, we are afraid to share it with our partner for fear of judgement, or that they will find us odd enough to leave, quickly becoming fearful of us.

The fact that individuals may fear their fantasies will literally drive their partner away likely prompts a level of curiosity in you regarding what types of fantasies could evoke such a powerful reaction. Consider the following list, which includes fantasies that are far more common than you realize, though we still keep them bottled up inside:

  • Sex with Multiple People (Orgies, threesomes, etc.)
  • Golden Showers (Incorporating being urinated on or urinating on a partner.)
  • Furry Play (Dressing up in a furry animal costume.)
  • Extreme Bondage (Wanting to be restrained and taken advantage of.)
  • Torture Play (Getting sexual pleasure from receiving or causing pain.)
  • Sex with an Object (Bottles, cans, vegetables and more)
  • Cross Dressing (Wearing the clothing/lingerie of the opposite sex.)
  • Sex With a Stripper/John (Paying or being paid for sex acts.)
  • Cuckolding (Watching as a partner performs unfaithful sexual activities.)
  • Foot Fetish (Being turned on by another's feet.)
It is physically impossible to efficiently list how many other derivatives of fantasies there are. Yet, you can see exactly why there should be no shame in having out-of-the-box (or in-a-box, pun most definitely intended) sexual fantasies, and it shouldn’t be an impossible thing to share them with your partner.

But still, it is difficult to confess something as seemingly outrageous as your desire to watch your partner get off with someone else while you get off, for example. How exactly do you share something like that with them? 

Keeping in mind that a fantasy is a desire and not always something you would actually want to do in real life, sometimes we can keep a fantasy inside and never admit it. But how about those times when we really want to try something, daydreaming about our partner being okay with it? How do we achieve this? Well, I am here to answer that question for you, but keep in mind, it can be complex depending on your specific fantasies.

Here at TooTimid, our mission is to enrich the lives of everyone to improve their sex lives, but we also take pride in the safety and well-being of the individuals in the community. If you and your partner decide to engage in any sexual activity, it is crucial that you get clear consent before continuing. 

Be Honest With Yourself

Before you find fun in a fantasy with your partner, let’s get serious for a second. Honesty is the best policy, so ask yourself these four questions:
  1. Is this something I REALLY want to do or is it something I just enjoy thinking about doing?
  2. Is this something that would upset or hurt my partner?
  3. Is it important enough to me to risk upsetting my partner?
  4. Is this something I "have" to do at some point and without it I will risk being sexually fulfilled?
Once you have asked yourself those questions, you will know for sure if you actually want to discuss your fantasy with your partner.

For example, think about a fantasy of having sex with many partners at once, or perhaps having those partners ‘finish’ on you. If you know without a doubt that your partner would be devastated to hear that you want anyone but them, let alone have to be subjected to watching others orgasm on you, this is definitely something you would never really do. Perhaps it can remain constrained to something you think about during masturbation instead, as once you finish, you’re over the thought altogether.

On the contrary, let's say this thought is a fantasy that you have had for a long time, or that it keeps emerging into your mind, then it may be worth taking the risk and telling your partner. A relationship is a two-way street, so even if you know they may not fully accept your fantasy, perhaps they will warm up to it consensually knowing it will fulfill you sexually.

There are other ways that you can incorporate this fantasy without incorporating another partner. Grab your favorite dildo and ask your partner to watch you ride it! You can also achieve an Eiffel Tower or Double Penetration fantasy with this as well! Really want someone to finish on you? (Click here to see our best selling squirting dildo!) This can add a whole new level of fun to your bedroom time.

Frame The Discussion Carefully

The above questions will help you discuss this with your partner in a more confident manner. If you determine your fantasy is just a sexy thought and not something you wish to act out, be sure to vocalize this to your partner. Framing the discussion correctly is everything, so here is a good example that can work for you:

"Baby, you know what? I have always had this fantasy that is a little unusual. It excites me to think about it, but I would never actually want it to happen. However, there is something dark and dangerous about it that turns me on."

Then, gauge their reaction and if they seem open to it, explain it to them. You know your partner best, so this is subjective, but be clear that you do not want to do it. The reactions may still be judgmental or potentially panicked, as they may think you do want to play out the fantasy, but remember, this is just a discussion. It won't bother you as much if they judge, as you have admitted to yourself this is not something you want.

However, if the fantasy is something you really want to do to feel sexually fulfilled, but you are not sure how they would take the idea, consider framing the discussion like this:

"Honey, do you know how you told me about that ‘50 Shades of Grey’ fantasy you had? Well, I have a fantasy too, and it is a little strange, but I really think I would like to try it once if you are up to it. If you say no, it is not a big deal, but it may end up being something we both enjoy."

This sends the message more inclusively so it does not appear that you selfishly want something, and they are just a bystander. Intimacy is a two-way street, and you want them to be involved with it. You also reassure your partner that it is okay if they do not want to do it while being honest with them about the reality that this is on your mind.

Be Prepared For Any Reaction

Many times, our partner’s reaction may not be what we expect. Hearing our lover's deepest sexual thoughts can be jarring, and there’s a chance that if instead you were on the receiving end of hearing your partner’s fantasy, your reaction may not be so favorable either. Regardless, a fantasy reveal will cause a lot of reactions, some of which can be severe.

For example, if you are expressing a fantasy that may involve another person, the first reaction from your partner may be to draw the conclusion that you are not sexually satisfied in the relationship, prompting jealousy or concern. Or perhaps you have a fantasy that involves pain; your partner may wonder why you would want to potentially hurt them, and panic that you are dangerous or not the person they thought you were.

Their and even your reactions are subjective and individualistic. If you are the one revealing your fantasy, it is important that you be prepared for any and all reactions. Also, be sure to be patient and understanding with your partner and their response.

Open The Dialogue & Answer Questions

Once you have opened the fantasy closet door, prepare yourself to answer the questions they may have. You can't just say "I don't know." This is your lover, and they deserve an answer no matter how they initially respond. For example, let's say you just admitted to your partner that your fantasy is a pain-inflicting one that emulates abuse. This is how a conversation could go:

Your Partner: "Why in the world would you ever want to have someone abuse you? Why do you want to be hurt in that way?"

You: "I don’t. The fantasy is not about actually being abused. That idea scares me."

Your Partner: "Well, then why are you telling me you fantasize about it?"

You: "Well, fantasies are safe. I can control what happens in my own mind, even though abuse is not something that could be controlled. I told you because I trust you. I love you. I think I like the idea of you keeping me in control and being aggressive, but I know I’m safe while it is happening."

Your Partner: "Okay, so you don't want a stranger to do it, you just like the idea of me abusing you?"

In this example, the couple gets to the root of the actual fantasy and better understands the parameters of this type of desire. And remember, this applies to any couple. Your fantasies don't have to fall into any sort of gender roles. 

Be Prepared To Let The Fantasy Go

Finally, remember that when you bring up a fantasy to your partner, you have to prepare yourself with the possibility you will have to let it go and never experience it. If your fantasy is something you have to do and your partner is not willing to help, then the choice is to either let it go or leave the relationship.

Most of the time, our fantasies are only fantasies and not something we actually want to do. In that instance, we know we will survive if we never try them. So if your partner says "no," then you just let it go and keep it in your fantasy closet. Bring it out during solo play and have some solo fun! If you do choose to stay in the relationship despite your aching desire to act upon your fantasy, you can try suggesting that you and your partner watch porn together that features this fantasy. This is a safe way to bring your fantasies into the bedroom without overwhelming your partner.

What's Your Erotic Fantasy? Let Us Know Below With An Anonymous Comment!


2 comments


  • Howard

    I agree wholeheartedly with your advice . I would emphasize a couple points. Fantasies and fetishes often have deep roots and may be lifetime things for lovers, well-established before partners ever meet. My wife and I came together rather late in life. We both agree that my imagination in the bedroom is more , I don’t know, “elaborate” than hers. She’s told me that in her other relationships her sex had been vanilla, but- and this is positively crucial- she was willing to try new things. She loves me and understands that I am simply more sexual than she is. She bought in because she loves me so much.

    Pillow talk is important for communications with your partner, as much as talk across the kitchen table, but it is essential for any relationship which wants to grow and thrive. It requires no special clothing, or toys, or board games. Although I like all of these things, loving talk is primary. It must stay in the mix. Now that we’re beyond retirement age, we don’t have as much sex as we might were we younger, but what sex we do have is more important, relatively speaking and, dare I say it, much better. Quality always trumps quantity.

    My wife understands that my feelings of love as well as my lust for her are crucial to me and therefore, to our relationship. I need an outlet just to let my incredibly deep love for her out. Talk is a great way to do it. The more we talk, the more we trust. I have had fetishes since I was ten years old or so. Specifically, I can remember being titillated by my grandfather’s pulp magazine covers. I am very turned-on by “damsel in distress” role play. It’s a very short leap from that to bondage and toys and so on. I also have a vore fetish. Hell, I have lots of fetishes, not one of which harms anyone. I’ve pretty much figured out that at this point in my life I am unlikely, highly unlikely, to attempt to satisfy these odd sexual urges anywhere but in our bedroom. That makes the sky pretty much the limit. I cannot possibly describe the sense of relief, freedom, and affirmation which came the night I shared my absolutely deepest and most closely guarded sexual fantasy with her. Because she loves me, because she knows it is important to me, she actively participates in our role play, even though play-acting and improvization are not her strongest suits. She likes it because she knows that I like it. Now, WE like it.

    I am reminded of B.F. Skinner’s (the great 20th century psychologist) defense of pornography. He favored it simply because it extends sexuality into old age. I thoroughly concur. We watch pornography as a regular part of our love-making. No matter how you want to spice up your love-making, there’s a porn video, likely many porn videos, which involve your predilection.

    The bottom line? Fantasy is, first and foremost, fun. Trust your partner. Make absolutely sure that you don’t cross red lines. If your partner says that one act or another is absolutely out of bounds, non-negotiable, accept it and try to shift your own desires to accommodate his or her needs. The more you work to make lovemaking 50-50, if you have the right partner, like I do, the more your partner will try to tip the scales in your direction.

    That, is a win-win.


  • Bobby LeBeouf

    I could write a book here, but I won’t! My fetishes and fantasies run hand in hand. I guess that would make me a simple kind of guy. I didn’t ever go to extreme parties or anything like that, and would you believe that I graduated from college? So please allow me to say this. God has truly blessed me, and given this simple Caucasian man right here from the good ol USA, something that just about every other born again Christian man never gets to experience. God has allowed me to deeply love two separate women in my life. One was my high school sweetheart, and mother of my 3 children. We were married right out of high school for 16 years, and we dated through high school for 4 years. I’m told that this no longer happens to most couples here in the 21st century. Then, there is my current wife. We have been together for 16 years and married for 11 years. My first wife and I grew apart. I still enjoyed using enhancing drugs at times to assist with longer and more intense orgasms. She used to brag about it to her girlfriends, and told them why she likes me to use them, because she liked how it makes me in the bedroom. Then like overnight, she turned. We began to grow apart, other people came into both of our lives, and she divorced me. Only to be killed in a major car accident within 2 years of our divorce.
    I must say, that my first wife and I both seemed to be in the closet and missionary with our sex in the early stages of our relationship. We practically grew up and matured together, so we were able to talk to each other. My first fantasy and at almost 60 years old, still my number one fantasy, is to have the lady I am with to wear pantyhose or thigh high stockings. This was never a problem with my first wife at all, because we were both in high school band, and she was a flag girl, and the flag girls all wore pantyhose when we wore our marching uniforms. I played trumpet. So on band trips and competion marches, guess what group I hung out with? Right! The ones who wore pantyhose!!! I graduated high school back in 1979. My favorite pantyhose, or I should say my favorite thigh high stockings were from the days of Christy Canyon, Ron Jeremy, Linda Lovelace, when porn movies were with real actors and actresses in what seem like a real movie with a plot. And the women always wore the stockings with the dark reinforced toe. My favorite.
    So two things happened moving forward. About 10 years and 3 kids into our 16 years of marriage, we both were so board with each other sexually, but do not ever let it be said that we didn’t love each other, because we did. I had to drive up North to Monterey, Ca. to be interviewed to take over a grocery store at a very young age. It was a shot of a life time. So only my wife came with me. Kids stay with their grand parents. We got a room. Went to the interview, and I killed it. I was so stocked. Got back to the room, and I had bought 3 bottles of a light weight wine called Cold Duck, one of our favorite wines that we come to enjoy, but very seldom. But this night was different. We drank all 3 bottles of the Cold Duck, and the laughing began. Then I pulled out what is now considered legal in many states, a joint, and we puffed on it, and apparently, that was the ticket. We were within walking distance, or I should say staggering distance to a mall. There was a diner there, so we ate dinner. And it was like the heavens opened up. As soon as we stepped outside, what do we see right in front of us? An adult shop/Video rental store. O.K. And a Wal-Mart! So I said to myself, All Or Nothing!!! So we went to Wal-mart and bought pairs of black and suntan pantyhose and a pair of thigh highs (nude color). She was way too shy to go into the Adult Store, so I hurried and purchased two rather large toys, one vibrated and one did not. I rented a an old VCR (that I kept as a momentum of probably the night that saved our marriage), and I rented two porno movies.
    O.K. So lets stop for a second. The stockings, thigh highs and pantyhose were a hit. We were in the mood together, and she wanted me to be a little rough and tear the pantyhose off of her, which I did laughing my ass off (at first). Then we both experienced for the first time, something that changed the course of our sex lives forever. My first wife got so excited, because she secretly always wanted me to purchase a dildo or vibrator, but didn’t have the courage to tell me. She squirted like crazy! So, that is my second fetish, which is to make the lady I am with wearing stockings or pantyhose, squirt like there is no tomorrow. I will save what my first wife says blew out marriage apart for the other site on here today, which was me wanting her to watch porn with me to get some ideas on how to further enhance each other sexually. She did not appreciate me watching porn at all.


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