For all you men (or perhaps, women) who have wondered if their partner has ever faked an orgasm and WHY, WHY, WHY she would do such a thing – this article is intended to provide some answers. As part II of the Faking the Big ‘O’ series, this articles picks up where the previous one left off. If you have not read the other article on how to detect a Fake ‘O’ – I invite you to read it first. Now, without further adieu, let us explore the deep, dark reasons why women choose to fake an orgasm.
There have been countless studies on faking the orgasm – Glamour, Cosmo, Playboy, Penthouse – I think I have read surveys in all of the above magazines and then some. According to a study on marriage and relationships provided in a great book entitled, “Your Guide to Marriage” by Sheri and Bob Stritof (who also authored “The Everything Great Marriage Book” – 48% of all women have admitted to faking an orgasm. WOW – that is a little under half – who ADMITTED it – I would suggest the number is slightly higher. However, even at 48% there is something seriously wrong here!
Yes, it is true – even I have faked an orgasm or two in my day. Why? Why did I do such a thing? Well, for me it was very, very early in my sexual experience, before I realized that I was entitled and responsible for my own pleasure. No really – I didn’t realize that it was NOT my partner’s responsibility to give me an orgasm, but more of my own. I know, confused already. I am not saying that our partners should just do what they are doing with a rampant disregard for OUR pleasure. NO, I am simply stating that if I don’t speak up and tell my partner what works for me – how is HE or SHE supposed to know? In that regard, I am responsible for my own orgasm!
In the beginning, like many other women, I really had no idea what I was supposed to be doing or feeling but I did know (because my boyfriend was constantly asking) that men expected an orgasm out of me. So, I of course, decided that I could not fail HIM – that I had to figure out how to boost his fragile ego. So night after night I hailed his skill, screamed his name, and moaned “Oh God” like the best porno princess – but I went home and masturbated to get myself off because I was NOT getting it in bed with my boyfriend!
It was not until about a year later that I finally wised up. It was not ME who was failing HIM – but instead it was HIM who was failing me – and it was MY FAULT COMPLETELY! I had become a wonderful masturbator by the time I had sex for the first time. I knew how to get myself off in almost no time at all. Why then, was it so hard for me to get off with my boyfriend? Well, because in my ignorance I assumed incorrectly that sex alone would produce an orgasm. DUH! How stupid was I. Sex is good – very, very good – but it won’t necessarily get most women to the orgasm!
Being sick of being unsatisfied – I was determined to no longer fake my orgasm. I decided to try to touch myself during sex like I did while I masturbated (duh, novel idea there) and whal-la, I had an orgasm like no other. The next step was telling my boyfriend that his oral sex skills were totally lacking – in fact, what he was lacking was a map to my clitoris. I still remember the look on his face as I gently nudged his head UP about 2 inches (which in vagina land is like 100 miles) and explained that was where he had to lick and suck. He looked up from between my legs and said, “hey babe, I know how to get you off!” To which I responded, “Uh, no you don’t babe, and if you want to learn how, you will move where I told you to!” We promptly broke up after that – and it was a good thing too! I learned at that point that there are 2 kinds of men – those who cared about my pleasure and those who only cared about their own! I wanted the first kind of man, not the second.
From that point on, I taught my lovers about what I liked and asked them what THEY liked in return. My second boyfriend (who I was with for 7 years) taught me about multiple orgasms – now HE was into my pleasure for sure! My point? There is no need to fake an orgasm when you know how to get one – or teach your lover how to give you one. For me, faking my orgasms was due to inexperience, stupidity and pressure from my boyfriend to make HIM feel good at any cost. Basically, stupidity!
So, what are other reasons for faking the orgasm? I decided that it might be wise to get some of my friends and acquaintances to fess up on the faking so that we could all learn the reasons for faking the big ‘O’ and the following is what I found out. You may be surprised at my findings – I actually was surprised by a few things as well.
For this article I interviewed:
Kerri (31) – teacher
Jill (37) – housewife
Kathy (34) – occupation unknown
Leighton (27) – student
“Mia” (30) – teacher
When asked if they have ever faked an orgasm – EVER – the answers were pretty consistent, with one diversion.
Kerri stated that she has faked many, many orgasms.
Jill said that she too has faked many orgasms.
Kathy was the oddball, stating that she has NEVER faked an orgasm.
Leighton surprised me with her answers because I assumed that the younger women would not waste time on faking. I assumed, incorrectly, that the modern breed of young woman would be all about getting the ‘O’ – and I was wrong. Leighton told me that even she has faked it!
Finally, “Mia” admitted that she too has faked the orgasm, and in fact, made no excuses for the fact that she does.
As you can see, there was only one woman who stated that she had never faked an orgasm. It seems to be evident that women have – at one time or another – faked it. So, now I was curious:
Why have you faked orgasms?
Kerri stated, “I fake at least an orgasm a week with my husband. I get tired, cranky, don’t want sex so to get him off my back I let him do me, and while he is pumping away I fake the orgasm. I learned a long time ago that men feel badly if you don’t cum, so I have always tried to make my lovers feel good about our sex life.”
OK, I see the reasoning here, and I understand it, but in my opinion of you are going to be married – presumably FOR LIFE – then why, oh why, would you fake the orgasm? Teach your lover how to pleasure you, tell him NO when you are just too tired or totally NOT in the mood, or switch up your sexual routine so that you both get more enjoyment out of it.
Now, Jill stated that in her early relationships it seemed necessary, just to get the guy to finish. She said she didn’t learn enough about her own self-satisfaction until she was much older. In her words, “I learned when I was about 30 that it was OK to touch myself during sex. That my husband wanted to help me have orgasms – and that however we reached them it was OK. In the beginning I thought if I took help from toys, fingers or whatever that I was defective. I don’t think that way now.”
This sounded exactly like me. Not wanting to hurt my lover, and not knowing that it was OK to help myself along. The reason for faking was a seemingly logical one, but younger women have options now to know that it is OK to not orgasm and let their lover in on the secret of what will get them off!
When I heard Kathy’s admission that she has never faked it, I was astounded! I was pretty sure that most women – at one time or another – have faked it. However, she stated “you know I can honestly say I have never faked it! I have always gotten mine one way or another. The reason I have never faked is because (1) I wanted to make sure that I got the same pleasure too, I mean what fun would it have been for me to fake. I am greedy (lol) cause even if my husband was unable to he would use a toy on me and get me to one way or another. Even my very first time ever having sex I think I must have been very lucky, my partner talked me through and made me feel relaxed and confident. It may not have been a huge O but I had one.”
All I could say to her was, lucky, lucky girl! I did pick up on the idea that she has not been afraid to get to her climax one way or another – a lesson I learned a little later than she did apparently.
Now Leighton’s answer really surprised me. Not that she had faked it, but her reasoning. She said, “yeah, I have faked it. Sometimes when I am with a guy and he is rushing or not giving me what I want, I fake it just to get him off me. I mean, who wants a bad lover crawling all over them for an hour when you can fake the orgasm and give them ‘permission’ to cum – it is just simpler that way!”
What? Huh? Give the man “permission” to cum after your own orgasm? That logic seems so backwards to me now. Men should look at sex as a pleasurable experience for both the man and the woman. If they can give their lover one, two, three or more orgasms while they are pleasuring themselves as well – that is a double bonus in MY book!
Now “Mia” was definitely the most specific of all the women that I interviewed. She had 5 reasons why she fakes it. Here they are:
“Sometimes I am too tired to care and what better way to get him to finish than to act like it is the best.”
“I wasn’t in the mood so I gave him a courtesy lay to get him off my back. Again, what better way to get him to finish than to pretend I am into it.”
“Sometimes with him it is too much work so I get frustrated and give up. Again, what better time to put on a show to get him to finish.”
“He is too damn quick to begin with.”
“Until recently, I did not realize that women could enjoy sex too.”
WOW. “Mia” has really hit the nail (or all the nails) on the head here. I think there is every possible reason that women fake orgasms!
Clearly, the reasons for faking are not that different. Not wanting to hurt their lover, wanting to finish with sex to get to other things, too tired, not into it (of him). I think there is an over apparent expectation that we women have to “finish” with a bang! We see it in pornography all the time – the women are constantly screaming in desire from the first touch. We all know that these women can NOT be having that many orgasms!
There is an expectation put on us by men to have explosive orgasms. They feel like they are not doing their jobs if we do not climax. Also, many men get a complex if we touch ourselves during orgasm – like they are not doing their “job” in bed. As “Mia” points out, some women don’t even know how to get themselves there in the first place, so they figure they will fake it.
Well, statistically ladies, 80-85% of all women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm – so, if women are not “allowed” or expected to be able to touch themselves clitorally during sex – or they don’t know how to pleasure themselves - then it stands to reason that those women are NOT climaxing – and probably faking it.
So, why don’t more women pleasure themselves during sex to help their orgasms along? The famous psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud suggested that women should be able to climax vaginally and those who need clitoral stimulation for their orgasm are reverting to their childhood masturbation experiences and hence not “grown up” enough to handle sex! WOW – this is really an odd notion, but if you look at the basic logic behind it, it would hold true for some women.
When women get into relationships with people, i.e. NOT the water faucet or the hairbrush handle, they incorrectly assume that the orgasms should start happening with little or no effort from themselves. Why should I have to finger myself when I have a man? This logic is faulty. The same things that have gotten you to climax since you were 10 are the same things that will get you there now. Women need to take responsibility for their own pleasure and NOT be ashamed or afraid to help themselves along. If we just did this – or taught our lovers how to help us along – then we would have much more satisfying sex lives!
THE MORAL IS…
So, what is the moral of the story here? When we fake our orgasm ladies we are cheating OURSELVES and our lovers too! We should NEVER feel like we OWE our lover an orgasm – we owe it to ourselves. In every woman’s sex life there will be times when the orgasm is just not achieved. For example, when many women have quickies they are not after the orgasm, but instead looking for the excitement of the moment – orgasm is not expected then. However, in our standard sex lives – having orgasms through the use of finger or toy stimulation – really will help us and our lovers to enjoy the moment with us more.
Statistically, women who fake orgasms do not want to have sex as much – and why would they? If you have having that connection with your lover but not getting the “pay off” at the end, why would you want to keep going? Therefore, it is every woman’s responsibility to be honest with herself and her lover and ensure her own pleasure. Tell your lovers what you like – show them where to lick, suck, pull, finger, touch – and they will be grateful. As my example in the beginning showed, if you are with a lover who simply doesn’t care about your pleasure – DUMP HIM or HER – they are seriously not worth it if they could care less about your pleasure!
So ladies, let us vow NEVER to fake another orgasm – for whatever reason you may have done it – and instead, take back our orgasms and be proud to do it!
Soon, all women will be screaming their lover’s names, looking into their eyes, gushing with excitement – and NO ONE will be thinking it is a prized performance like Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally” – instead, our lovers will be happy, we will be happy – and sex will be GOOD, very, very GOOD!
Let Us Know!