Have you ever been making love with your lover and just had a feeling that he was thinking about Angelina Jolie in her Tomb Raider outfit? Or perhaps he has asked you to dress up like Carrie Fisher in “Star Wars” and you wonder why? Fantasies are a part of sex – sometimes occasionally, sometimes more than not – but mostly, they are natural and healthy. Are men ALWAYS thinking about someone else? Do they think about their partner only? Do they really like giving us oral sex? These are just a few questions that I have had in my mind for a long, long time. I wanted to ask, “What DO you men think about during sex?” If we are honest with ourselves, we can admit that we all think about something – whether it be our partners, some person we met at the grocery store, ourselves, or even what we need to do when we are finished. Thoughts happen – and inquiring minds want to know what men REALLY think about during sex! This article will explore and reveal the secret thoughts of men – well, not so secret anymore! With the help of a small sampling of men, the answer will finally be revealed! This is what men really think about during sex….
My sampling of men included:
Harrison (age 30 – law student - single)
Ryan (age 35 – professional photographer - single)
Howard (age 59 – attorney - single)
Glenn (age 49 – attorney & married)
Jason (age 34 – regional manager & my husband)
In the interest of solving the mysteries of what men really think, I asked each guy 4 different questions. Hopefully, the answers will help you get in touch with your man's feelings.
“When you see a woman who you are attracted to, what goes through your mind?”
I wanted to know if there would be a difference in what the married men thought – does marriage turn off the “sexy thought” process, or does it remain? Do men judge a book by its cover and immediately think, “yeah, I would do her!” I was intrigued; as I am sure many of you are as well. This is what my question revealed.
Harrison had the following to say:
“Usually the first thing I think of is, do I have a chance with her? I have high standards, and I sure don’t want my face slapped. Then I go through the scenario of asking her out, or giving her my number. Women are getting more reserved with dating; it is harder to get them to go out. Of course, I am also thinking about what her body looks like underneath the clothes – especially if she has good curves, large breasts, or a good [butt]. I wonder, does she have piercings, tattoos, is her vagina shaved. I guess I am the quintessential male pig – from ‘will she date me’ to ‘will she be good in bed!’”
Ryan quickly stepped in to give his input as well:
“I usually wonder what she looks like naked. I am a photographer so it is all with an artistic vision, of course! I am a lover of large breasts, so I try to see how large hers are, without staring too much. If she is really hot, I may ask her to model for me. Hey, it works 50% of the time!”
And not far behind was Howard's two cents:
“When I was with my ex-wife, we used to point out attractive people to one another. There are attractive people in the world, and being confident enough to share your choice of what you believe your significant other would enjoy just brings you closer. Mostly, when I would see attractive people I would wonder if they were having the same good sex I was with my partner, and hoping that they were.”
Glen had this to say on the matter:
“I see sexy women all the time. My wife is very attractive, but let’s face it, there is always going to be somebody hotter. Usually I wonder what it would be like to have sex with her. It is a flawless and almost instantaneous thought process for me, and I would guess many men: sexy woman – what she looks like nude – how would we be in bed. I don’t think there is anything wrong with fantasizing, after all, I only look, no touch – I never actually believe that I will be with anyone but my wife!”
And finally, my husband gave his answer:
“Um, I don’t think anything. No, I will be honest, I think of what she would look like naked. Occasionally, if she is really hot and on my mind I may wonder about what it might be like to be with her. Not because I am not happy with you honey, but because it seems almost natural to wonder about it. I wouldn’t even call it a fantasy, it is almost a momentary thought, then I think of you and it is gone.”
SEEING IS IMAGINING: This is extremely interesting! All the men I asked stated that they think about what she would look like nude and perhaps what it would be like to have sex. I don’t necessarily think that this makes men “pigs” since I do know that when I see a good looking man – or even woman – I think the same things. I find that attraction to the opposite sex (or same sex) and admiration for a good looking person, seems to be a natural process. What could possibly be wrong with this? People would never get together if there was not attraction and a thought process that goes with it. I did find it interesting that my married participants claim that they have the thought and don’t wish that it went further. This is probably true of persons in secure marriages. Would the answer be different in an unhappy or insecure marriage? I would guess, probably so.
"Once you have the girl and are in bed together, what goes through your mind during Oral Sex?"
I wanted to see if men in general really enjoy oral sex, or whether they are just performing to satisfy their partners and move on to their turns. Do men appreciate the subtle beauty of a woman’s vagina when it is directly in their face? What do they think about oral orgasms and bodily fluid?
Harrison was, again, the first to speak up:
“Personally, I like oral sex, but I don’t LOVE oral sex. I like the way women react to it in general; they seem to really get off by oral. However, when a woman takes too long, I start to get bored. I wonder, ‘when is it my turn?’ and I think I send that signal, cause many times they give up before the big bang!”
Quick behind, also in the same order, was Ryan:
“I love, love, love oral sex! There is nothing like parting your lover’s legs for the first time, looking at her womanliness – as cheesy as it sounds – and then slowly teasing her with your tongue and fingers! Ummmm. Women love it when a man does it well, and I do it well. I do have a little bit of something to prove, so I am usually thinking, ‘does she enjoy it, will she cum, is this making her hot’ – and sometimes I will verbalize those thoughts. Also, I would never expect a woman to give me a blowjob if I wouldn’t go down on her. It is only fair! With new women, it is especially hot to think about!”
Surprisingly, Glen broke the line up and spoke next:
"My wife is not into oral sex, but when she used to be, I would do my duty, get her to orgasm, and then she made me stop. I wondered what the point was. In my pre-marriage days, oral sex – especially the 69 – was a staple of a good night of sex. I think that STD’s and safe sex might have ruined it for the men of today – who wants to suck on a dental dam! What I used to think when I did it was ‘OH MY GOD – this is so hot!’ There truly is nothing hotter than nibblin’ on a little clit.”
Howard took his turn next:
“I am very aware of my partner’s smell, taste and reaction to what I am doing. Oral sex is about pleasuring the other person. When I am giving a woman oral sex, I am thinking how she is reacting to what I am doing, how I can tease her and arouse her some new way that she won't expect, and what other erogenous zones she has that I can caress, rub, massage, knead, tickle, lick, scratch, or pinch, that she won't expect and when to do it to have the greatest effect.”
Jason answered last:
“I used to hate oral sex. Mainly because the girls where I grew up never let me do it. I didn’t truly learn how to do it and like it until I married you. I know you know this, but I didn’t have much experience with it. I was embarrassed to try and make a fool of myself. When we started dating, and you made it obvious that it was just part of foreplay and sex, I slowly integrated into it. Now, when we have oral sex I think about a lot of things. Your taste, your smell, how much you love me, how much I love you. I also am a bit of a determined guy, I want to get you off and feel your juices in my mouth. It is something that I love to do now and wonder why the hell I waited so long to get good at it!”
Oral Ovations: WOW! What a variation of answers here! It is obvious that many men will align with one of these views. If they align with Harrison, who surprised me quite frankly, with his “when is it my turn” comment – then they are most likely are rushing through the process and not enjoying it. If, they agree with the other men, it is more of an honor to be between their lover’s legs. I think that oral sex – and the ability to enjoy it – is truly a controversial question. While oral sex is not for all people, it is a standard foreplay practice. It is good to know that in general men like oral sex, and are excited by it. For some people, oral sex is thought of as dirty – but none of my subjects found it so. These answers clearly show that men enjoy oral sex, and find it stimulating and not dirty. Ryan and Jason’s answers reflect how men feel about their lover’s pleasure – wanting to please and to have “proof” of that pleasure with an orgasm. I always thought that women had the “need to please” characteristics, but clearly, many men do as well. Ok, time to switch it up a bit, and find out what men think when THEY are getting a blowjob, so I asked:
"What do you think about when your lover is giving you a blowjob?"
Ryan decided to take the lead this time:
Ryan: “I love getting blowjobs. I can’t really pinpoint what it is I think about, other than the woman who is doing it. Basically, it is all about my pleasure at that moment, unless we are doing a 69, then it is harder to think about me, cause I want to please her too.”
Harrison took his turn next:
“Oh man… There is NOTHING, I mean NOTHING like a good hummer! When a woman knows how to do it, it can bring me to the brink of pleasure quicker than anything – including sex. I usually think about her, what I am going to do to her later, I will look down and see her there and just think about the pleasure of it. My mind races with random, insignificant thoughts. One thing is constant, when a woman has my manlihood in her mouth, I only think of her – unless she is bad at it, then I think about sex.”
Glenn stepped in this time with an expected response:
“What is a blowjob? I haven’t had one in so long; I don’t know if I can remember what it feels like. Basically, I am in total heaven. I am self-centered, thinking about how good it feels, and pretty much nothing else. I might think about whether I am going to cum in her mouth or on her.” Howard was up next:
“When I get a blow job, I am usually just feeling, and not trying to think about anything. I actually don't look down at my [penis], or her mouth, because I want to sense what my sensory nerves are telling my brain, rather than what my eyes would be seeing. I knew how special it was for my lovers to give me a blow job, and how much they were trying to satisfy me, while enjoying themselves. I didn't want to miss any little nuance they added to the effort, and I wanted to feel everything they did. I would talk to them, and tell them when something they were doing was making me feel very good, especially if it was something they were trying to do the first time.”
Jason: “That is my time to lay back and enjoy. I LOVE when you give me head; you are very good at it, so I can lean back and know you are taking care of me. This is probably the only time during foreplay or sex when I am not thinking about if you are enjoying it, ‘cause it sure seems like you are. I might think about reaching over and playing with you, but that I think is almost a mindless act. I also love doing a 69 – having you sit on my face while you suck on me too – that right there is the best of both worlds!”
Selfish Sensations: It is obvious here that the blowjob seems to be “their time” to just enjoy. I think that is how it should be, as we women also enjoy being able to lie back and enjoy our oral sex time. The answers are really also pointing to one thing – the woman’s power to transfix her man with oral sex! It is obvious that the men are thinking only of their lover while getting a blowjob – and that is a powerful position for the woman to be in. She has the ability to make her man completely forget about anything else at the moment – but her!
I found it interesting that Ryan admits that having a 69 takes away from the experience, while Jason clearly enjoys giving while receiving. It seems as though the majority feels that a blowjob is their time, and they get lost in the moment, so to speak. Personally, I think that there is a time for giving just to the man, and a time for sharing the moment with a 69.
Finally, I asked the guys:
"What do you think about while having sex with your significant other?"
Harrison: “Well, that depends. When I make physical contact with my lover’s [vagina] I always think about how good it feels, how wet, hot, smooth. After the initial contact, it depends on the skill of my lover. If she is into it, and participates, and we have good sex – then I am thinking of her, how hot she is how good she feels. My hormonal reaction is secondary to any thoughts of a negative kind. I am just driven to pound her until I finish. I hope that she orgasms, but basically, it is more about me at that moment. If she is not so good, or if I am not too into her, I am thinking about the hot Starbucks girl or perhaps taking her from behind. It becomes fantasy time for me so that I can feed my desires for who I am really with. My advice to women – DON’T JUST LIE THERE – our minds will wander and it won’t be about you anymore!”
Ryan: “Oh, sex is a magical time. I can loose myself in all the sensations – warm, wet, liquid passion! I think about how much I care about her, her pleasure. I try to look and see if she is enjoying herself. Is she orgasming? Will she orgasm? I am almost always totally in the moment with that girl. I try to give my all to the moment.”
Howard: “I am very aware of odors, the feel of her skin, the taste of her skin and fluids, and how warm she feels wrapped around my [penis] I am thinking about how to reward her, encourage her, make her laugh, make her have another dozen orgasms, and just thinking about how to play with her as if we had all the time in the world, and the only thing that is important is having fun. I am always thinking about doing something new, or something I haven't done in a long time, just to keep her guessing and being surprised."
When I enter my lover's [vagina], it’s almost always after much foreplay and many orgasms, so she is wet, and usually relaxed enough that I can enter slowly but in one stroke. When I reach bottom, she has another orgasm more than half the time. I just stay there, feeling her warmth, and the palpitations of her PC muscles on my [penis]. It’s a fluttering like sensations, and not something she is directly controlling. More of a reaction to her orgasm. I love just feeling that sensation. I wait for it.”
Glenn: “Well, to be honest, I fantasize a lot. I love my wife, I do, but sometimes I think about being with someone else. It doesn’t even have to be someone gorgeous or famous, sometimes just someone I came across in court. Being with different women, if only in my mind, helps keep our marriage fresh. I am sure she does the same thing. I don’t think of this other person the whole time, just in the beginning stages. Then I reconnect with my wife, after all, it is my wife I am making love to! Of course it feels good, and I enjoy it, but I prefer her to do more of the humping and pumping. I enjoy it more if she is on top. I don’t know why, but I do. I do love to feel her cum – that always satisfies me. Sex is what it is – the epitome of the moment.”
Jason: “Sex is the finale of the evening, and I try to treat it as such. I am instantly aware of your tightness, your wetness. I notice the look on your face when I enter you. I want to please you, to get you off, so I try to balance enjoying myself with pleasing you. Occasionally, I get to serious about it, treating it as a mission. You always notice and usually take over for me so I can relax. When you are on top, I just go with the fantastic feelings, when I am on top, I worry about you more. You always cum – more than once – and when you have a few under your belt, I can relax and go for it!”
Seductive Sentiments: These answers were not AT ALL what I thought they would be! There are common threads here – all the men think about the immediate sensation of the act itself – the wet, smooth, tight, sensuous feeling of their lover’s vagina. It seems to be a pinnacle moment – the moment of insertion. It is nice to know that men relish the feeling of their lovers.
I was disappointed, but not surprised, with Harrison’s confession that in order for him to be “in the moment” with his lover she has to be “good” in bed. I am not suggesting that women who lie there and do nothing are giving their partners a good experience, but to say that if a woman doesn’t live up to his expectation will vanish from his thoughts DURING the act is a bit harsh.
I am not surprised that Glenn admitted that he fantasizes – fantasies are safe and healthy. If he is ALWAYS going to bed with someone other than his wife (in his mind) then I would wonder about it. If this keeps their sex life alive and kicking, then I see nothing wrong with it. It is something that allows Glenn to be with his wife, pleasure his wife, and still keep things hot. Plus, when push comes to shove, he IS with HIS wife physically. If more people did this, marriages would be saved!
I also was not surprised that men feel “the need to succeed” by giving their lovers orgasms. This is something that many men struggle with when they have partners who do not cum easily or at all. To give their lover the orgasm proves their manliness. As a woman, I can say I have experienced this many times. The guy who pumps at you like he is on a holy mission. While it still feels good, I think we crave more connection there. We also want our men to enjoy the experience with us too!
READING IS BELIEVING
What I learned through this succession of interviews is that men have a lot of thoughts, feelings, emotions and ideas about sex. They do pay attention to their lover’s actions, pleasure, wetness and excitement level. Surprisingly, some men still view oral sex as a “precursor” to the actual act of sex – and not what it should be – adult play. It seems as though this sampling of men – with various ages and marital statuses- probably is a decent representation of what men DO think about during sexual play. I asked them to be honest, which they did, and the answers were both surprising and predictable.
Women should also pay specific attention to the answers about receiving a blowjob. All the men answered their love for it, how much they enjoy it, how much power the woman has at that moment. Women need to know that this is something that men really, truly love – almost more than sex itself. It is important to take that information to heart.
It is equally important to understand where the men are coming from with regard to giving oral sex. Most of the men I asked do truly like giving oral sex – but they are subconsciously waiting for their turn. If this is the case with your man, try to teach him that foreplay is not something to be rushed. I mean, sure, spending endless hours between your legs might be a little ridiculous, but 15 minutes should not be an issue. Pleasing each other is a quintessential element to a successful and happy sexual life.
The moral of this story is, if you want to know what YOUR man is thinking – ASK HIM! I found the men to be open and honest and more than willing to talk about their thoughts and feelings. I think that in the right setting (NOT when your man is down between your legs) men would be more than willing to tell you what they think and feel about your sex life. Communication is the key to success! Start communicating.
Find out what your man likes or dislikes – wants more of, or less of – what makes him tingle with desire for you. Talk about your fantasies, you may be able to make some come true! Having an open and honest sexual relationship can really turn things around in a stale sex life – or make a new one flamin’ hot!
I hope that this article has made you think more about your significant other and what they really think about during sex! I am sure the men are wondering, “hmmmmm, what does my lover think about during sex” – and those answers are coming up next! Men, the next article is for you, when I ask some women, “What do YOU think about during sex!” Hopefully we will all get some answers! Until next time….
Happy and Safe sex for all!
Let Us Know!