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Living Life As A Dominant (Domme)

Posted by Mikayla to Bondage
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For persons who identify sexually as a Dominant (Dom or Domme), life can have many different forms, sometimes much at odds with each other. For Dominants who are type-A personalities in their real life and also Dominant in their sex life, this control shifts from their “day” persona over to their sexual persona. Dominants of this type can’t easily relinquish control so when it comes to sex they feel the need to maintain the upper hand. Type-A Dominants would feel at odds with taking a subservient role in the bedroom because it goes against their basic core personality. Life as a Type-A Dominant is one of order, precision and control. They have certain expectations for how their life should run, how people should behave, what should be accomplished in a day, and what expectations they have for their sexual partners. Type-A Dominants need to exert sexual control over their partners in various degrees. This is not always an all-inclusive situation, some Type-A Dominants can relinquish a bit of control to their partners and operate on a more even playing field, but even then they still are exercising the basic control in some aspect. IF you recognize any or all of these traits in your life or your bedroom then you may be a Type-A Dominant.

Conversely, some Dominants do not have real lives that allow them any type of power in either the workplace or their home lives. They are more passive in general, a more Type-B personality overall. Perhaps they feel demeaned in their workplace or by a partner. They may eve seem skittish or timid to others outside of the bedroom. For Dominants with this type of out of the bedroom existence, being able to exert control over their most private life – their sex lives – enables them to find personal balance. During sexual situations THEY get to have an opinion, lead the action, have someone respect and respond to BDSM submissive dominant sex
them in the most intimate of ways. Type-B Dominants get extreme sexual pleasure from finally feeling like they can control some aspect of their lives. This does not mean that a Type-B Dominant is trying to “get revenge” on the world that has kept him down. No, instead it is simply a way to reverse the roles in their own lives so that during those non-sexual times they can feel a bit better about the fact that they are not submissive in all parts of their lives. Or, it is as simple as it is fun to be able to be the one in control.

Both men and women can lead lives as Dominants. Dom is the term associate with male Dominants and Domme is the term for females. There are many stereotypes associated with both male and female Dominants. Interestingly, most male Dominants seem to carry the image of some harsh man who wants to spank, whip and otherwise punish His submissive while the image for a female Dominant is one of tight corsets, lots of leather and a male submissive who is doing Her bidding, licking Her boots or servicing Her sexually. The difference in opinion and stereotypical ideologies is fascinating. Especially since the role could be reversed with the female Dominant being more aggressive and punishing, while the male Dominant may just want someone to service his manhood. The lesson here is that there really are no “hard and fast” rules when it comes to the actions and practices of a Dominant.

Are You Dominant Or Submissive? Find Out Here!

I, myself, identify as a switch (I can go from Dominant to submissive easily) but I feel extremely comfortable in the role of Domme. I have a very Type-A personality and therefore that sense of control carries over at times to my sexual life. I am very outspoken, demanding, opinionated and know what I like sexually, therefore being Dominant comes very naturally to me. My earliest sexual relationship was one where I was a submissive to a Dominant. Being in a long-term relationship taught me all my powers as both a submissive, and eventually a Dominant. However, this is for another discussion.

Speaking only for myself, I can say that when I have my Domme persona on my ultimate goal is to pleasure my submissive partner while using him/her to pleasure myself. One of the highlights of being Dominant is that you get to use your submissive partner in sexual ways that are very gratifying. For example, you can make him/her perform oral sex on you until you have had as many orgasms as you like. It is important to note that “make” does not mean “force” in the standard meaning. In this type of consensual power exchange “make” means that the submissive partner has consented to activities, and being “made” to do things satisfies their personal sexual urges as well.

Another interesting factor is while the Dominant is in control of the play, the submissive partner has more power than you would assume. A true Dominant will respect, care for and oftentimes love his submissive. This means that the Dominant wants to give that submissive as much pleasure as possible, while also pleasing themselves. Allowing rewards for good behavior, such as giving an orgasm for well-performed oral sex, is a way to ensure that both persons in the play are enjoying themselves. The Dominant and submissive coupling is two sides of the same coin – you can’t have one without the other.

Being a Domme presents some fantastic opportunities for exploring pressing the limits of a submissive partner. Creating situations where I can exert sexual control over my partner while exploring different methods of doing so is extremely sexually gratifying. Agreed upon acts of submission can be turned into a wonderful game where I, as the Domme, create a scene or act of play that includes these activities amidst other agreed upon situations. I may, perhaps, restrain my submissive and use his/her body to my liking. I may bring my submissive to the brink of orgasm but not allow the complete climax. I may facesit my submissive and have as many orgasms as I see fit, but not touch him/her in any way. There are too many variables to list, but the ultimate point here is that the Dominant gets to control the flow, pace and overall action in a sexual situation.

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Probably the absolute most important thing to remember about being the Dominant is that you have an absolute responsibility to your submissive. In a true Dominant / submissive exchange that submissive is placing his /her trust completely in the Dominant. They are surrendering their will to the Dominant and hoping to pleasure him or her. There is great room to abuse such a giving situation. Taking play situations too far, harming or demeaning a submissive beyond what they consent to, not stopping play when a safeword is uttered, or otherwise causing physical or emotional damage is an abuse of power. It does happen, sometimes accidentally, when a play situation goes a bit too far. If this is the case, proper aftercare for the submissive is extremely necessary. Trust will not happen if abuse occurs. The best thing is to always make sure that you as the Dominant are in complete control regarding the actions and reactions of you and your submissive. A submissive has to trust the Dominant; a Dominant has to respect and honor that trust.

Perhaps you can relate to the ideals in this article. Do you feel the need to control everything in your life, including sex? Do you feel that you need to find a way to exert some control in a sexual situation because your outside life doesn’t leave room for it? Would you feel comfortable being responsible in a very serious way for another person’s sexual safety and happiness? If you relate to any of these concepts then you may also want to live life as a Dominant. It is an interesting prospect, isn’t it?

Are You A Dominant Or A submissive?
Let Us Know!


Date 11/9/2015
I'm definitely a submissive - I don't think I could ever be a dom!
Date 11/9/2015
Greyson 26
Dominant. Love telling her what to do and so does she
Date 11/9/2015
wow i had no idea there was so much information about this. i used to think i was a dom but i think its just because my gf likes to be spanked and have her hair pulled and i do it but its not really my personality
Date 11/9/2015
Sub!!! Who wants to punish me??? ;)
Date 11/9/2015
My husband and I got into BDSM a few years ago and I am usually submissive but lately we have been trying it the other way around... I like being the submissive more but being the dom is fun too and I am getting into it!
Date 8/30/2016
boi pet john
my lover and i have begun exploring BDSM and Dominance and submission. i am an experienced male submissive and she has been a vanilla wife for her entire life. Now lovers, i am exposing her to more and she is enjoying, albeit tentative. It is new for her, but she seems to be enjoying. i never switch, and am concerned about topping from the bottom or being too demanding and such. So far though, it is amazing! i know Her as my Goddess, for She is truly beautiful and wonderful.
Date 7/11/2017
My girlfriend and I discovered that we both want BDSM and that she exhibited all of the characteristics of a dominant while have spent the first part of her life without much control. Meanwhile I had experienced being a dom with a woman who absolutely insisted on being submissive and attentive. I enjoyed it for about two years that we were together. I never sought being a dom however became stimulated about being submissive. I was fortunate to have found a woman, 31 who had been controlled most of her sexual life by dominant men. I introduced her to being a dome and though shy at first her responses were always dominant and so I encouraged her to establish by agreement our respective roles. Because I dominated for a long time a submissive I was able to share the joys and pleasures of being dominant for her. I tested her with questions. to see of she was playing along or really was a domme. One example. She never would suck and while I always enjoyed it I had not made it an issue with her. I explained to her that a man enjoys it when the woman sucks his penis and then swallows, but since now I as the submissive service her needs orally did she ever think about me swallowing. She responded by saying it never occurred to her but now that I mentioned it she wanted me to swallow.. Small details like this confirmed to me she is a natural domme. We are now entering the experimental phase. For example, I have started to giver her oral anal pleasures which actually satisfiies my need to submit more than her need for anal pleasure. We also tried anal penetration in which she dominated and I submitted. At first she was very shy to even discuss her feelings but as the relationship developed she admitted that she wanted to start penetrating me as part of our regular sexual exchanges. She said also that the idea of making me more docile and obedient excited her and something she hoped to pursue. We both have changed with me discovering my greatest pleasures are submission related while she for the first time in her life looks forward to sexual episodes with me as hr sub. In daily life we seem the same although have promised to work on my male "ness" to tone it down to more neutrals while I have asked her to just take the lead and be open about her natural dominant preferences. I encourage any couple to determine if there is an underlying preference and if so to go with it. It seems for some it is a fun diversion. In our case we discovered that all her life she has been and is a female dominant personality without knowing it. In my case I might have thought at best I could go either way but my preference is to be with a domme and to submit to her. Our lives now are fuller than they have ever been both sexually and in daily life. For example, we agreed that she would make final decisions and in the interest of not arguing I would accept her decisions without recourse to disagreement. It worked. Before we argued incessantly yet still maintained an attraction to each other. We still "discuss" issues but arguments are short lived as she issues a decision and that's that. I shut up. Interestingly, our arguments were never over important issues. I tend to think we were fighting for control. I say this because when I submit to her final decision it turns out it was about nothing worth arguing about.. I can't believe the issues that had distracted us from having great sex. I thoroughly enjoy submission and she feels she's discovered why she never had experienced sexual gratification other than a quick vanilla orgasm. Now she wants to sit on my face and cum in my mouth! As she becomes more open and accepting that she's dominant that relationship just gets better.
Date 7/11/2017
Randa from TooTimid
Hey Edmond, Randa from TooTimid here,

Thank you for sharing! It's great to see that your Dominant/submissive relationship is working so well, both in and outside of the bedroom. It sounds like the two of you are pretty content with your roles. Life can be a whole lot more enjoyable if you are open about your needs and desires with a partner.

Again, thanks for sharing your story, and have a great day!
Date 8/12/2017
Jackie Falls-Crowe
Wow Really? We better both be both!!! Dominant and Submissive. And we better know how and when to do either or otherwise the shit ain't happening!!!

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