Living Life As A Dominant (Domme)

For persons who identify sexually as a Dominant (Dom or Domme), life can have many different forms, sometimes much at odds with each other. For Dominants who are type-A personalities in their real life and also Dominant in their sex life, this control shifts from their “day” persona over to their sexual persona. Dominants of this type can’t easily relinquish control so when it comes to sex they feel the need to maintain the upper hand. Type-A Dominants would feel at odds with taking a subservient role in the bedroom because it goes against their basic core personality. Life as a Type-A Dominant is one of order, precision and control. They have certain expectations for how their life should run, how people should behave, what should be accomplished in a day, and what expectations they have for their sexual partners. Type-A Dominants need to exert sexual control over their partners in various degrees. This is not always an all-inclusive situation, some Type-A Dominants can relinquish a bit of control to their partners and operate on a more even playing field, but even then they still are exercising the basic control in some aspect. IF you recognize any or all of these traits in your life or your bedroom then you may be a Type-A Dominant.

Conversely, some Dominants do not have real lives that allow them any type of power in either the workplace or their home lives. They are more passive in general, a more Type-B personality overall. Perhaps they feel demeaned in their workplace or by a partner. They may eve seem skittish or timid to others outside of the bedroom. For Dominants with this type of out of the bedroom existence, being able to exert control over their most private life – their sex lives – enables them to find personal balance. During sexual situations THEY get to have an opinion, lead the action, have someone respect and respond to BDSM submissive dominant sex
them in the most intimate of ways. Type-B Dominants get extreme sexual pleasure from finally feeling like they can control some aspect of their lives. This does not mean that a Type-B Dominant is trying to “get revenge” on the world that has kept him down. No, instead it is simply a way to reverse the roles in their own lives so that during those non-sexual times they can feel a bit better about the fact that they are not submissive in all parts of their lives. Or, it is as simple as it is fun to be able to be the one in control.

Both men and women can lead lives as Dominants. Dom is the term associate with male Dominants and Domme is the term for females. There are many stereotypes associated with both male and female Dominants. Interestingly, most male Dominants seem to carry the image of some harsh man who wants to spank, whip and otherwise punish His submissive while the image for a female Dominant is one of tight corsets, lots of leather and a male submissive who is doing Her bidding, licking Her boots or servicing Her sexually. The difference in opinion and stereotypical ideologies is fascinating. Especially since the role could be reversed with the female Dominant being more aggressive and punishing, while the male Dominant may just want someone to service his manhood. The lesson here is that there really are no “hard and fast” rules when it comes to the actions and practices of a Dominant.

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I, myself, identify as a switch (I can go from Dominant to submissive easily) but I feel extremely comfortable in the role of Domme. I have a very Type-A personality and therefore that sense of control carries over at times to my sexual life. I am very outspoken, demanding, opinionated and know what I like sexually, therefore being Dominant comes very naturally to me. My earliest sexual relationship was one where I was a submissive to a Dominant. Being in a long-term relationship taught me all my powers as both a submissive, and eventually a Dominant. However, this is for another discussion.

Speaking only for myself, I can say that when I have my Domme persona on my ultimate goal is to pleasure my submissive partner while using him/her to pleasure myself. One of the highlights of being Dominant is that you get to use your submissive partner in sexual ways that are very gratifying. For example, you can make him/her perform oral sex on you until you have had as many orgasms as you like. It is important to note that “make” does not mean “force” in the standard meaning. In this type of consensual power exchange “make” means that the submissive partner has consented to activities, and being “made” to do things satisfies their personal sexual urges as well.

Another interesting factor is while the Dominant is in control of the play, the submissive partner has more power than you would assume. A true Dominant will respect, care for and oftentimes love his submissive. This means that the Dominant wants to give that submissive as much pleasure as possible, while also pleasing themselves. Allowing rewards for good behavior, such as giving an orgasm for well-performed oral sex, is a way to ensure that both persons in the play are enjoying themselves. The Dominant and submissive coupling is two sides of the same coin – you can’t have one without the other.

Being a Domme presents some fantastic opportunities for exploring pressing the limits of a submissive partner. Creating situations where I can exert sexual control over my partner while exploring different methods of doing so is extremely sexually gratifying. Agreed upon acts of submission can be turned into a wonderful game where I, as the Domme, create a scene or act of play that includes these activities amidst other agreed upon situations. I may, perhaps, restrain my submissive and use his/her body to my liking. I may bring my submissive to the brink of orgasm but not allow the complete climax. I may facesit my submissive and have as many orgasms as I see fit, but not touch him/her in any way. There are too many variables to list, but the ultimate point here is that the Dominant gets to control the flow, pace and overall action in a sexual situation.

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Probably the absolute most important thing to remember about being the Dominant is that you have an absolute responsibility to your submissive. In a true Dominant / submissive exchange that submissive is placing his /her trust completely in the Dominant. They are surrendering their will to the Dominant and hoping to pleasure him or her. There is great room to abuse such a giving situation. Taking play situations too far, harming or demeaning a submissive beyond what they consent to, not stopping play when a safeword is uttered, or otherwise causing physical or emotional damage is an abuse of power. It does happen, sometimes accidentally, when a play situation goes a bit too far. If this is the case, proper aftercare for the submissive is extremely necessary. Trust will not happen if abuse occurs. The best thing is to always make sure that you as the Dominant are in complete control regarding the actions and reactions of you and your submissive. A submissive has to trust the Dominant; a Dominant has to respect and honor that trust.

Perhaps you can relate to the ideals in this article. Do you feel the need to control everything in your life, including sex? Do you feel that you need to find a way to exert some control in a sexual situation because your outside life doesn’t leave room for it? Would you feel comfortable being responsible in a very serious way for another person’s sexual safety and happiness? If you relate to any of these concepts then you may also want to live life as a Dominant. It is an interesting prospect, isn’t it?

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