Ahhh marriage! The thing dreams are made of. Statistically speaking, 90% of ALL heterosexual women want to get married. It is the reason we put up with bad date after bad date – effectively “trying on” man after man looking for “The ONE!” Conversely, only 75% of heterosexual men want to get married – at least when they are in their 30s – the number climbs a bit after 40. The marrying man also looks for his perfect bride – the perfect mix of intelligence, nurturing nature and bedroom whore. While we are single, looking for that perfect mate (or at least the perfect date) having single sex, and trying new experiences with new people, most of us greatly enjoy our romantic trysts and look upon everything as a fond memory or learning experience. Then, when we get married the sex seems to change – get “redundant” or boring – children or careers take precedence over lovemaking and we seem to fall into a rut of “marital duties” first and sexual duties last. For many married couples, the sex falters even dies and the memories of singledom are what keeps us going. Are these accurate pictures of Single Sex versus Married Sex? For way too many married couples, this is exactly what happens and worse. Some couples, however, vow not only to love one another in sickness and in health but ALSO to have sex with each other in the beginning, middle and end – till death do them part. Sex is looked at as a part of the marriage to work on, revive, relive and rekindle if necessary. To these couples, sex is something to be celebrated, not ignored. This all begs the question: Does the phrase “I Do” really mean, “I no longer want to?” for many couples?
SATURDAY NIGHT SEX FEST VS. SATURDAY NIGHT QUICKIE
The unfortunate truth is that for too many couples marriage marks the end of the “Saturday night, I can’t wait to get you into bed, you make me so wet, let’s do it 4 times” sex fest that many single or dating couples have. Instead, it seems to move to the “Saturday night, once for this month, fit it in between dishes and laundry” quickie. Does sex HAVE to die after marriage? OF COURSE NOT! Marital sex can be THE most satisfying and emotionally fulfilling sex of a person’s life. It can be as hot, if not hotter, than any sexual experience had during singledom. It can be – SPECTACULAR! So, if this is true, then why do so many of my married friends LONG for their single-sex days? I have had lunch after lunch and dinner after dinner listening to my friends complain about their husbands and reminisce about the one night stand they had with a bartender than involved anal sex and a bong!
MYTH ONE - SINGLE SEX IS HOTTER
Most of my girlfriends emphatically claim that the sex they had when they were single (including, by the way, the sex they had with their husband to be) was WAY HOTTER than any sex that they have had since they said those 2 magical words. Why do they think this? What is the difference between having sex (with the same person even) before and after the walk down the aisle? After extensive research and many glasses of sangria, I finally have the answer: When you are having single sex you are putting your best (*insert body part here) forward. You are showing them what you can do, how hot you are, how confident, how open to new things and how sexy. The sex is URGENT, NEEDY, INSTANTANEOUSLY GRATIFYING! Conversely, after marriage, sex becomes EXPECTED, a DUTY, BORING and one or both of you fails to put forth the effort to prove your “sexiness” because your spouse is presumed to know all about your confidence, hotness and openness. Also, that confidence is replaced by: will he/she want to sleep with me the rest of their life? (or) Does he notice my stretch marks after the baby or my sagging boobs? (or) Does she notice that it takes me longer to get an erection? (or) I have gained 50 pounds, am I still sexy? The internal question game we ALL play with ourselves at one point or another is the biggest killer of our after-marriage libido. We are no longer the carefree “hot” person who would do anything, anywhere, anytime to prove it. Now, we go to sleep in sweats with cold cream on our face discouraging any kind of sexual activity.
So, in essence – we no longer put forth the same basic effort at appealing to our spouse in the ways that we tried to appeal to the single prospects during our dating years. So, why is this a myth? Obviously, this does NOT have to be the case in a marriage – EVER! We consciously make the choices to become less active in our own sexual gratification. We become comfortable with our spouse and feel that we can relax as far as the “show” goes. While I agree that comfort levels definitely change after matrimony, this new comfort level SHOULD make sex BETTER – not worse! Being comfortable with a partner is the easiest way to let down your sexual guard and try new things that you wouldn’t have before. To be comfortable with your partner (even outside of wedlock) means you can explore new things, let down the inhibition veil that keeps you from, let’s say, talking dirty in bed! This comfort level should make sex something above and beyond what you had as a single person. So, why do some many couples find that it is the opposite? Well, according to my survey of girlfriends, when they got married they felt like they could stop “trying” so hard. They expected (unreasonably) that their spouse would initiate sex and they no longer had to. They felt their new role as “mother” superseded the role of hot wife – or even lover. Or, even worse, they felt like the man said “I love you” so they could just be “themselves” but not the utterly fabulous and sexy self – the “normal” self – aka the sweat pants wearer. Sex in the marital bed does not have to be all cotton sheets and dark, unlighted encounters. No, marital sex can be silk sheets, romantic candles and bondage ropes! Marital sex CAN and SHOULD be just as hot – if not hotter – than your single sex!
How Sex Changes After Pregnancy And Childbirth
MYTH TWO - HE BOUGHT THE COW
OK, honestly, whose mother has not said, “If you give away the milk for free, he will never buy the cow” – or a similar analogy. This thinking brings into our consciousness the mere possibility that now that he has “bought the cow” and hence, “gets the milk for free” that we can just sit in the stall and let him milk us! I know, horrible pun, but you have to admit, it works! Before we were married, we dressed up our cow. Wore the shortest skirts, attractive make-up, perhaps even high heels. After marriage, well, many of us really slack on our appearance – because, he has “bought the cow” and knows what he was getting. The truth is, does he really know or expect the cow to change after he buys it? Really? If you slept with him (or her) before marriage – and the sex was HOT – why should either of you expect that to change after marriage? He sees the whole cow picture – the inner you and the outer you. He knows how your milk tastes and how good it is to be with you (OK, no more cow analogies!) In essence, he does and should know all about you – good and bad – with make-up and without. If he presumes to love you and marry you (and you him) then neither of you should expect an immediate or gradual change in sex. Am I at all suggesting that there should be NO change? Absolutely not. Couples (married or not) go through stages of up sex and down sex. Weight is gained, hair recedes, boobs sag – children come and go. This is life. However, when we are talking about the effort of maintaining a healthy sex life – we can not necessarily assume that because we are married that no effort is required. We need to remember that there are “more cows” in the pasture who might not look at our farmer the way we do. Does this mean I advocate cheating? No, No, No! Please do not send angry emails. What this means is that not all women or men look at married sex as a down slope into nothingness – some look at it as the best chance for fantastic sex of their life! It is these women and men who are the envy of their “cowlike” counterparts.
MYTH THREE - MOMMIES DON'T HAVE SEX
Oh cut the crap! I have 2 friends in particular (and a sister in law) who feel like once they passed a baby through their vagina that it was forever changed and no longer felt sexual. BULL ….you are using that as an excuse – I know it and you know it too. While I know firsthand that babies change sex, life, love and marriage – it doesn’t have to turn life into a vast land of baby toys and diaper bags. The greatest love a woman will ever have is her child – it is inherent to her – natural. However, the greatest gift she can give to that child is a happy marriage and good example of love. This can NOT happen if there is bad sex….PERIOD! When a couple is not having sex or is having unfulfilling sex – the touching stops. The kissing stops. The phone calls during the day stop. Saying “I love you” is rare at best. Not having sex causes a rift in life – and shows the child that his parents are not emotionally connected. Conversely, when sex is good and fulfilling – the couple touches, kisses, talks, communicates and LOVES one another in a manner that is evident to every bystander – including children. So, if you truly, truly want to be a good mommy – have loving sex with your partner!
So, clearly it should be evident that single sex does NOT have to be the only hot sex a person has in their life. Married sex can and should be as hot, if not hotter. So, how to you keep the marital fires burning?
1. Say “I Love You” every day to make that emotional connection.
2. Tell your partner what turns you on about them on a regular, if not daily basis.
3. Be open to sex and new experiences – when either of you wants to.
4. Don’t let children end your sex life.
5. Remember your dating days – go on “dates” and act like single people.
6. Don’t restrict your sex to nighttime or weekends – shake it up.
7. Do it ALL over the house – bathrooms, living rooms, kitchens.
8. DO NOT FORGET FOREPLAY!!!.
9. Introduce and discuss fantasies to keep things hot and new.
10. Remember why you love this person – and show it in a sexual way.
These few – but major – suggestions can be the beginning of a new and healthy MARITAL sex life! Simply reconnecting with your spouse with the mindset of a single can be the best thing you will ever do for yourself – and you marriage! Stop reliving the single days – bask in the marriage days – show the world that married people have hot sex too!
Disclaimer: This article is meant to show that sex does not die after marriage. This IN NO WAY discounts the great sex that dating or single people have, nor does it imply that you have to be MARRIED to have great sex! There is enough great sex to go around to everyone!
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