Teaching your man to slow it down with foreplay
Posted by TooTimid Staff to How-To Sex Tips Guides
Who among us has not been here: we get to our bedroom, we turn to open a lingerie drawer and our man tackles us from behind, pushes us on the bed and starts ripping at our clothes. He is reaching for our breasts like they are made of rubber, he is pulling at our pants trying to get them off WITHOUT unbuttoning them, he is slobbering on our necks and breathing hot, smelly breath into our face as we are stunned and trying to push him away! He wants sex – and this is his idea of foreplay – it is not, however, ours! This type of activity might be fine for a drunken escapade in a public restroom, but it is not OK for a standard night of lovemaking with your wife or girlfriend!
Although we all can appreciate the passion and sexual excitement with which our man has entered the situation – we are women, and we need more. Foreplay is something to be relished by both the woman and the man. It can greatly enhance your overall lovemaking experience. It will bring the two of you closer together, and will make your woman much more eager to have sex – I guarantee it!
The greatest obstacle here is defining exactly what constitutes foreplay to a man and to a woman. In literal terms, the word “Foreplay,” as defined by Wikipedia, is “a set of intimate acts between two or more people, meant to build up sexual arousal. Foreplay is in preparation for sexual intercourse or another act meant to bring about sexual enjoyment and orgasm.” Pretty simple, right? Wrong.
For a man this means, “Hey baby, take off your clothes, lets go do it!”
For a woman this means kissing, touching, caressing, oral sex, toy play, massages, perhaps showering or bathing together. For a woman, the foreplay can start days in advance.
Now, I don’t want to over generalize – not ALL men are like this, many are into foreplay too, and I am quite sure that there are some women who enjoy quick sex without foreplay. However, the consensus is that many relationships have women who want and need more foreplay! This article will show you how to S L O W it down in the bedroom, give you some helpful hints to connecting with your partner, suggest some toys that you may want to introduce into your foreplay and explain how all of these things will end up making both of you much closer and happier lovers!
Do you remember when you were a kid and you played that game “Red Light, Green Light?” You know, one kid stood at the edge of a yard and yelled “Green Light” and everyone else ran until he yelled “Red Light” and then everyone had to stop dead in their tracks! Well, this is the same thing. The next time your man comes running at you and wants to tackle you from behind, you yell “RED LIGHT” and he stops….reminding himself that there is FOREPLAY before sex! This is not meant literally, of course, unless you want to play it that way. It is meant as a metaphor, a way to explain that we all need to slow things down, and even stop every once and a while to connect with each other until we get the green light from our partners to proceed.
We all know sex is fun, it feels great – the connecting of two people, two bodies – hearts racing, the moment building. However, what about BEFORE sex, what is that like for couples? I asked a few of my friends what their favorite part of sex is.
The women said things like: “kissing, oral sex, fondling, sexy massage, foreplay”
The men said: “the first thrust, when she cums, feeling her tits, anal sex.”
You can see the difference in the answers here. Most of the men I talked to did not mention oral sex, kissing, or foreplay in general. What we need to do is show our foreplay challenged men how FUN foreplay can be, how pleasurable it can be for HIM and for US. In essence, put on the brakes in the bedroom.
The first thing that is essential to teaching any person who is unaware of the blissful nature of the art of foreplay is to communicate. If we do not tell our partner what we like, want and expect in bed, then they can’t possibly know. We as women can no longer lie silently as our men go from neck, to breast, to intercourse in record time silently wishing that they would detour at our clitoris! We need to supply them with a road map!
I suggest that all couples sit down and talk about sex – in a situation that is not sexual – without children or chance for interruptions. Communicate to each other what you want, need and desire from your sexual encounters. For women who want more foreplay, you have to tell your man that is what you want. Be sensitive to him, don’t make him feel like the sex you share isn’t enjoyable, but explain how adding foreplay TO the sex will make everything that much better for the both of you.
Sex is Adult Play:
To borrow a phrase from a friend, Sex is Adult Play, and foreplay is the beginning of playtime. Foreplay doesn’t have to start in the bedroom; it can start days – even weeks before the sex. Little naughty messages hidden in a briefcase, a pat on the rear as your man passes you in the kitchen, a playful grab of a breast as you are cooking dinner. Perhaps even an email that suggests the fun you will have in bed later – this is all FOREPLAY! Remember, foreplay consists of intimate acts in preparation for intercourse – these acts do not have to be PHYSICAL – sometimes emotional acts are the most potent!
As you taunt and tease each other in preparation for your night of fun, the anticipation builds. The ideas start to run rampant, and the sexual tension hits an all time high. This type of foreplay is extremely important – especially for couples who have been together for many years and are finding their lovemaking needs a “kick” – but it is important for all couples to engage each other in this way. It shows the other person that they are being thought of sexually all day, and that makes them feel sexy inside!
Tricks of the Trade:
Of course, eventually this teasing has to come into the bedroom – and we as women have to make sure that we keep our man on “RED LIGHT” because all our teasing may have made him even hornier than he was before. This is a good thing, but you will have to work harder to keep the brakes on! You want to prolong the sex experience, make it enjoyable and longer lasting for both of you. To do this, I suggest some “Tricks of the Trade” so to speak.
There are so many ways to take foreplay to the next level, but you as a couple will have to decide what will be comfortable and right for you.
(DVD’s) – Some couples will find that watching an erotic video can be extremely stimulating and an excellent way to enhance lovemaking. There are so many different kinds available now – including new ones called “Art Core.” Art core videos have more artistic filming, better music, and not as much moaning and groaning and “dirty words” so generally they appeal to women more. One such video is “Fetish The Dream Scape.” This is hard-core porn, but it is approached differently by the filmmaker. The “Better Sex” collection is great for couples because it shows real couples in sexual situations, but is not exactly “porn” although it is sex. Standard porn is my choice because it is what it is: people having sex. Anyway you choose, starting your night with an erotic video can really heighten the arousal.
(SENSUAL MASSAGE) – There is nothing better suited to get you in the mood than a nice, sensual massage! This is a great way to connect with your partner, feel their body, relax each other – but not have intercourse – YET. Light some candles, put on some soft music, get a quality massage oil or cream (Honey Almond Kama Sutra Massage Cream is excellent) and then slowly massage the worries and tension away, and the sensuality right in.
The best part about a sensual massage is if you are a woman giving the massage, you can get naked and sit on top of your partner and just rub your whole body over his. Use your hands, fingertips, fingernails and breasts so that all the nerve endings on his skin are excited. You will be just as excited as he is because you are giving him so much pleasure. Then, when you are done with him, you can switch and he can massage you. I usually suggest that for sensual massages that the man try to stay away from the “hot spots” for at least a little bit. Meaning, don’t dive right to the breasts and inner thighs. Although these spots are great to have massaged, keep them for last as a transition to your lovemaking or oral sex – remember, we want to prolong the experience with the foreplay!
(LIGHT BONDAGE) – Many couples are discovering the pleasures involved in bondage play. Blindfolds, light restraints, furry handcuffs, little whips – all these products can make for a delicious time in the bedroom! IMPORTANT: before engaging in any kind of bondage play, it is essential that both people feel comfortable and that there is trust involved. As long as that is established, the possibilities are endless!
Being tethered to a stationary object like a bedpost or a chair is such an exhilarating experience, especially for most women. The senses become heightened when we have lost our ability to move. If you add a blindfold to that mixture – we are doubly sensitive! TooTimid sells a beginner’s bondage kit (Tie the Knot) which has 4 soft restraints and a soft blindfold – this is perfect for beginners! Your partner ties you to the object of his choice and can tickle you, lick you, kiss you, or tease you in any number of mischievous ways! You will be moaning and groaning for more! If you have been naughty – and like a little spanking – a gentle whipping may be in order! There are a number of soft whips made from rubber that are available for fun and frolicking play! However you choose, and whoever is the Dominant or the Submissive – bondage play is an excellent way to heighten your foreplay experience!
If you are ready to step up your foreplay to a new level, and perhaps get a little more “hands on” there are a few advanced foreplay options at your disposal. Foreplay can literally last for hours and hours, if you have the right tools, and the drive and determination to do it.
(SEXUAL TOUCHING AND PETTING) – Once you have gotten past the “hands off” portion of the evening, and the clothes are off, and the excitement is heightened - lets try to get it higher. Sexual touching, similar to sensual massage, is a way to do it. Basically, this means you kiss, caress and sexually touch each other – perhaps masturbate each other – to make each other feel good. If you choose to stop before climax – that is up to you, but going for climax can be a way to get more than one orgasm out of your night of fun!
For men, touching the vagina does not mean “fingers in” all the time. There is an art to it. Your woman can tell you what she likes, doesn’t like, what speed, depth, when to insert, etc. Again, communicate with each other.
For women, touching your man’s penis does not mean “playing whack-a-mole.” You too have to be sensitive that he probably doesn’t wan to cum – although maybe he wants to go for more than one orgasm – again communicate with each other. These sensual touching sessions are a great way to learn about what feels good to each other!
(ORAL SEX) – I know, it may seem like a no-brainer, but many couples skip right through the oral sex stage, and go right to intercourse. Oral sex is such an important and fun part of foreplay! Many people actually consider oral sex more intimate than sex – and in many ways, I would suppose that it is! You have your partner’s most sacred parts in your mouth – what a privilege!
For a woman, oral sex may be her only chance to orgasm, so if her partner doesn’t do it . . . well, you get my point. For a man, the blowjob is a necessity. Do you know that more men go to prostitutes because their women either won’t give a blowjob or can’t do it well? It is true – oral sex is important!
Oral sex is an important part of foreplay too because it works us up, gets the hormones going - for a woman, it may begin some serious lubrication. So why don’t we all do it more often, better and with more enthusiasm and verve? I have heard “it tastes bad” – from both women and men. I have heard “I gag” from some women. Well, there is help on the way – on both accounts! First, for the “it tastes bad” crowd. Buy yourself some flavored lube – Sex Tarts for example – it really works. It will mask whatever taste you think you are getting and get you going onto the fun of it! For the “I gag” crowd, buy the book, “Tickle His Pickle” by Sadie Allison. Read it, get to know it, live by it. Men need BLOWJOBS. You can overcome the gag reflex, and you will.
ROADMAP TO THE CLITORIS: For you men who may be reading this, or for you women who know your man needs to, get your man a roadmap to your clitoris! By this I mean – SHOW HIM WHERE IT IS! Take his hand, put his face down there and show him! Describe to him how to touch you there, kiss you there, lick you there. Why should he keep missing it – JUST SHOW HIM!
Now, once we have settled that. Have fun with your oral sex. Use the flavored lubes, the candies that are made for oral sex. I recently tried one that was like “Pop Rocks” when your tongue hit it, it popped…very nice. Make it fun, enjoy the moment that you are sharing with your lover! Remember, Sex is Adult Play! For some people, oral sex is the main event some nights. I personally have “oral only” nights with my hubby! When used for foreplay, it will get you both raring to go in no time flat.
(SEX TOYS) – Ahhh, my favorite subject of all…..Sex Toys! For those of you who don’t have any, let me just say this, in the words of Ferris Bueller: “they are so choice, if you have the means, I highly suggest picking some up!” I just love my sex toys! Sex toys are an absolutely wonderful way to enjoy foreplay in the bedroom! There are literally thousands to choose from, in a price range from $4.00 to $400.00! You can buy vibrators, dildos, couples toys, cock rings, bullets – you name it! Sex toys are the way to go!
For any couple who is shy about sex toys I say this: it is nobody’s business what goes on in your bedroom but yours – so why not have a hell of a time in there! For couples new to sex toy play, I suggest shopping online together, seeing what is available, finding something that you both think looks fun. Then, waiting for the toy to come is just like foreplay! When the toy comes, you will both be eager to try it out. You can try any of the above-mentioned foreplay techniques before you use the toy, or just get right to it! Most couples find that using a sex toy together is an exciting and extremely sexually stimulating experience! If you are not sure what to buy, check the discussion board for ideas, or call TooTimid and ask one of the operators. Anyone can help and suggest a toy that will be right for you! Whatever you choose, be sure that sex toy foreplay is such a rush….whether you are using the toy for your partner, or using it on your partner – there is nothing quite like a toy to heat up your bedroom and get you ready for sex!
Now that I have shown you a few ways to engage with your significant other in foreplay, I hope that you will give foreplay the “Green Light” in your relationship. Men do enjoy foreplay, and they will enjoy making you happy and bringing sex to a new level of both intimacy and sexual satisfaction. I truly believe that what men and women want equally is to satisfy their significant others.
If we, as women, remember to communicate our desires to our partners and talk about what we want, we will be much ahead of those women who are not able to do so. Conversely, if we are able to listen to what our partners want; our relationships will be that much stronger as well. So ladies, start getting your lover to slow it down in the bedroom with foreplay and both of you will find that your love has heated up, your sexuality and sensuality has boiled over, and your sex drive has hit overdrive!
View our hand-picked toys & accessories to improve your foreplay experience!