Obsessing over the Big "O"
Ladies, I know there are so many of you out there thinking, “How stupid would I be if I asked how to have an orgasm?” Not stupid at all! In fact, let me tell you - many, many women have asked me exactly this question in my own life and on the Discussion Forum. Having an Orgasm just doesn’t come easy for all women – and if you think about it, why should it? Orgasms are a complex compilation of physical and emotional conditions that culminate in a hormonal release producing an enjoyable – and oftentimes intense – sensation of pleasure. What, may I ask, is simple about a complex physiological reaction such as that?
For women whose orgasms come easily (pun intended) the question of “how to have an orgasm” seems ludicrous! Why would anyone need to know HOW? Didn’t we all learn to masturbate in our bathtubs or with pillows in our early adolescent years?
The quick answer is – no. In many families, the discussion of masturbation, sex, or any other bodily function for that matter, is strictly taboo. In fact, if masturbation was discovered it was quickly described as “evil,” “wrong,” “disgusting” or “immoral” and thusly, stigmatizing begins. This leaves women wondering how to pleasure themselves without such evil connotations running through their brains every time they touch their clitoris!
For ease and simplicity – let me just say this: Masturbation is NOT wrong, evil, disgusting, dirty or anything else. It is natural, healthy and actually good for you. Doctors and sexual experts recommend masturbation for such things as stress and tension relief, aid in getting to sleep – and of course, pleasure. So, if you are reading this and wondering about the good versus bad angle – there is your simple answer!
Of course, there are other obstacles behind not being able to reach the Big “O” – for example, inexperience, lack of patience (yes, sometimes it takes a little time), physical abnormalities or deficiencies (rare instances), hormonal or medicinal imbalances or just plain not doing it right. This article is going to attempt to lead all those women who wish – no, NEED – to reach orgasmic bliss into the promised land by sharing my tried and true techniques. I will also lend suggestions for favorite Orgasm rendering toys and products. So stick around, it is sure to be a wild ride!
If you are new to the idea of masturbation let me be the first to say, “WELCOME!” Exploration of self-pleasure is an essential part of a woman’s sensual and sexual livelihood. If you have never had an orgasm before, the steps listed below may very well help you achieve what you seek! The most important thing to remember is that masturbation is about you, your pleasure and your own likes and dislikes. Remember to RELAX, to BREATHE and to enjoy what you are going to give yourself – the gift of an orgasm!
I think for many women the idea of masturbating to orgasm becomes sort of a chore. We lay in bed, put our hand down our panties, fondle our clitoris and expect the earth to move! Why should it be that easy? Women are complex creatures – I should know, I am one! When we are with our lovers, we require quite a bit of foreplay to “warm up” most of the time. Kissing, fondling, touching, caressing – romancing. So I ask you, why would we require anything less when we are trying to seduce ourselves to orgasmic bliss?
We women deserve to make this time – masturbation time – a pleasure time for ourselves. It is our own private niche of happiness amongst the stresses of our daily lives! When men masturbate, many times they do it to relieve their stress – probably in the shower – alone – with no “performance pressure.” We human beings NEED that simple self-pleasuring time just to release the tension without having to impress anyone but ourselves!
Women are notorious people pleasers – and this carries over to our relationships. While I am not suggesting that women don’t get pleasured – or demand pleasure – in bed, there is a certain pressure to “please our man above ourselves.” It is because of this, that women loose site of themselves, what is essential to making them happy and feel good. Then, when it is time to masturbate – if they do it at all – they have forgotten the basics. Well, we have to return to the basics – because if we do, it will not only make self-pleasure better, but it will also improve the sex you have with your partner!
I believe that masturbation time for women should be a special “process” – not a “wham-bam, thank you ma’am” type of thing that we do at 1:00 in the morning right before bed. I think that it should always begin with relaxation, include soothing things, be at a time where it is ALL ABOUT YOU and always end in a wonderful orgasm!
This is what I always suggest to anyone who tells me that they can’t reach their orgasm, have lost their ability to orgasm, or they want to experience orgasm for the first time. My suggestions are simple, basic and involve just you – no sex toys AT FIRST.
Discover 5 Ways To Achieve Multiple Orgasms
To begin; find a niche of time which is all about YOU – no children, no hubby or partner – just YOU. Make sure this time is unrestricted – give yourself at least – AT LEAST 1 HOUR! Instruct your partner that this is YOUR time – not warm up for HIM later. This is not to say that you can’t have sex later – but having him poke his head in the room every 10 seconds would be very distracting!
Create a soothing environment for yourself. I suggest taking a nice, warm, soapy bubble bath. Lounging in the tub is a wonderful way to just soak away the tension – and begin to explore your body amongst the bubbles! If you do not have the opportunity to take a bath, then lock your bedroom door and get comfy in there. Put on soothing music to your liking (I like New Age or Jazz), fluff the pillows, light candles. Prepare the room as if you are trying to prepare for the world’s greatest lover – and you ARE – yourself!
In order to become intimately reacquainted with your body you have to have your body available to yourself – so get NAKED. Not partially naked – totally naked! If you are not used to this, that is a good thing, this will begin a new chapter in your life of “self love” and acceptance. So strip down ladies - and just wear what God gave you!
After you have everything set, you are comfortably on the bed – naked – you should feel relaxed, yet excited. For many women, this might be precious alone time – and that by itself is worth the exercise! So, now that you are there – what do you do? Well, I have rules for that too.
AVOID THE CLITORIS
Yes, you read that right – avoid the clit – at least at first. You have so many erogenous zones on your body – so why not get reacquainted with them? Perhaps you just want to begin by running your fingers through your hair, feel how smooth and sexy it is. Then you move down to your ears. Feel the lobes, the outline of them, run your fingernail around the outside. Next, your neck and above your breasts. Just feel your soft skin, your neck bone, your inner contours. When you do get to your breasts, work your hands softly over them, feel the weight of them (or, if you are smaller-chested, the perkiness of them). Simply wonder at the miracle of your feminine shape.
Notice how your nipples perk up when you touch them. Tweak your nipples or pull one or both of them with a pressure that appeals to you. Spend a lot of time simply feeling yourself and your upper body – tantalize and tease yourself.
For many women, having a little fantasy while you are touching yourself works well. Imagining that it is your lover (Pierce Brosnan or Angelina Jolie even) feeling you all over may help to add that extra excitement that you need. If you like to fantasize about the sensations, DO IT – this is YOUR TIME to do what YOU want! I assure you, your man is thinking about you – or someone else – while he is wankin’ it in the shower – so why can’t we fantasize too?
GET TO THE CLIT
Eventually you will get aroused to the point when you will feel that familiar throbbing of your clitoris – this is the time to go low. I caution you – DO NOT DIVE RIGHT IN TO FULL-ON masturbating! I suggest that you do something that you normally don’t do. For example, if you haven’t done this already – spend some time pulling on your labia. Pulling on those vaginal lips can be SO arousing that many women (including myself) can orgasm just by touching them. Run your fingers up and down the sides of your vagina, ignoring the clitoris. Rub your fingers up and down your slit – just feeling your own lubrication.
Feel free to spread your legs, moan, groan – do what feels good. Oftentimes, I do not stay on my back, but instead kneel on the bed and touch myself that way so I can thrust my hips the way I want. When you finally pay homage to your clit – go slow! Relish the moment, the touch. Feel the sensation of your clit engorged with blood, ready to accept pleasure! Tease yourself – make it last longer. Do what feels good to you. Rub it hard, rub it soft. This is all your own personal interpretation and pressure point. Some women prefer a whole hand rubbing, some prefer just a finger. Some like to spread with one hand, finger with another. IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU!
PUMP THE PC
If you do not know already, Kegel exercises are SO good for your overall gynecological health. Also, if you did not know, when you orgasm, it is your PC muscle which is doing the contracting! Therefore, when you are masturbating, a good trick to doing yourself some healthy good – while intensifying your orgasm – is to pump your PC (pubococcygeus muscle)! While you are fingering your clit, gently rock your hips and contract and release your PC muscle – not only will this enhance the orgasm you are about to have, but it will strengthen the muscle for future orgasms. The best part, regular exercises of the PC muscle (during masturbation, sex and Kegels) can greatly increase your chances of becoming MULTI-ORGASMIC – who wouldn’t want that?
TO FINGER OR NOT TO FINGER
There is a debate over whether “fingering” yourself - as in insertion of fingers - during masturbation is really necessary. Many think that this is just a “porn” shot technique – and that it has not actual purpose in self-masturbation. I tend to disagree. While I do not always finger myself, I do it often. Adding some internal pressure to the party often will make my orgasms much more intense! I would suggest that you do what feels good to you – if you have not done this before, maybe it is worth a shot. If it doesn’t appeal to you, don’t worry about it. The clitoral stimulation is where your orgasm is going to come from – so the fingering is an added bonus (so to speak!)
BECOME A DIRTY TALKER
For many women, the idea of talking dirty is appealing but they just can’t bring themselves to do it for their partner. Well, when you are masturbating alone – you are just that ALONE! Feel free to say those nasty things that come to mind. I know, seems strange – you are talking to yourself. This is the point. It not only gets you more “emotionally horny” and psyched for your orgasm, BUT it also may open you up for talking a little dirty the next time you get into bed with your partner. So, as you are lying there, playing and teasing yourself, talk dirty! Say things out loud like, “Oh yeah, that feels good, touch my clit like that!” You can get as dirty or in depth as you want. This way, not only are you getting in touch with what you like and what feels good – but you are also connecting verbal words to the sensations. So, if you are a woman who finds it hard to tell her lover what feels good – this may help you out later!
CLOSING IN ON THE CLIMAX
As I said in the beginning of this article, many women just masturbate to orgasm in one, quick swoop – touching their clitoris and that is it. That is NOT what I want you to do. This exercise is self-pleasure is designed to get you in touch with your INNER SENSUALITY! Therefore, as you near your orgasm – do not rush to the finish – prolong your pleasure, build it, make it last!
As you get closer, and feel that familiar tingling – stop! – remove your hand. Play with your breasts. Pump your PC muscle a little. Then, go back and play some more after the crux of the sensation has ceased. Doing this not only makes YOUR time last longer, but also teaches your body to become accustomed to the sensations of orgasm – and you can then – with MUCH PRACTICE – learn to become multi-orgasmic.
When you feel you are ready to release, relax, BREATHE – keep your thoughts clear of anything negative. Take deep breaths and release them. Feel yourself coming to climax – rub, finger, caress to your own satisfaction. Keep breathing even and constant and when you feel the orgasm hit – DO NOT STOP TOUCHING YOURSELF – touch yourself more gently through it. Breathe out in a deep exhale, remember to moan in pleasure, spread your legs or buck your hips. Allow your body to move with the orgasm, not against it. Say whatever comes to mind – you are entitled to a complete release of tension and energy here.
When your body is completely done with the shocks and aftershocks of orgasm – DO NOT JUMP UP AND GET DRESSED – allow yourself the time to sit or lie there and enjoy the release. Breathe slowly, purposefully. Relax and enjoy what you have just accomplished. If you wish, and have time, go for another round! Why not? Women are capable of orgasming again immediately – there is no need for a refractory period for women. If you so choose, gently start to caress again – and enjoy the power of your own touch once more!
TINKERING WITH TOYS
There are many reasons to bring Sex Toys into your masturbation time. Many are designed specifically to aid a woman in achieving an orgasm – or a G-Spot orgasm – and for that purpose, I suggest every woman have a least a few in her dresser drawer! The only reason that I do not suggest sex toys from the get-go is that I find it is absolutely ESSENTIAL for women to become reacquainted with their bodies in a way which can only be achieved through personal touch – and this means no toys.
However, after you find out what you like, and have again found your “O” – or perhaps you have just had your first “O” – then it is time to talk toys. In addition, sex toys can be absolutely ESSENTIAL for women who have a hard time bringing themselves to orgasm through manual masturbation. In that case, toys can be at the party every time!
IT’S A BULLET BABY!
Ahhh yes, one of my favorite sexual aids of all time – THE BULLET! I love a bullet because of its simplicity, its small size, its power – and most of all – its ability to bring me to orgasm! A bullet is a small, egg-shaped vibrator (normally connected to a cord) which can be applied directly to the clit during masturbation (or sex) to aid in clitoral orgasm! I LOVE bullets! They are unobtrusive, quiet, discreet and fun.
Now, if you love to masturbate and experience different sensations – a BULLET would be for you! Use the bullet to play with your nipples, your thighs, your labia – then your clit! Do exactly as I described above, just use the BULLET! Then, apply the bullet directly to your clitoris and experiment with the sensations there. When you near your orgasm – take the Bullet away – then reapply! Delay the moment as long as possible.
Bullets are excellent for beginners or for women who are having a hard time orgasming because it supplies such intense, direct pressure and stimulation to the clitoris! If you are one of those women whose fingers just get tired before you get to climax – consider a BULLET! They are inexpensive and work wonders!
FEELING MY VIBE?
If you are feeling a little intimidated by the notion of using a vibrator – DON’T BE! Vibrators are wonderful inventions – designed to help women achieve self-pleasure! There are literally hundreds of vibrators to choose from – little ones, big ones, smooth, textured – colored, waterproof, bendable – you name it, TooTimid has it!
Now, for masturbation and orgasm enhancement I would suggest keeping it simple – just something to add some vibrations. Perhaps a Clitoral Stimulator, a Sleek & Simple Vibrator, Mini Vibe, or a handy Finger Vibrator! Any of these simple vibes could suit your need in achieving an orgasm. Why? Well, many women like the sensation of penetration WITH clitoral stimulation. If you have a vibrator, it is multi-purpose! You can run it over your body during the seduction stage – OR – you can experiment with inserting a bigger vibe and applying clitoral pressure at the same time.
Many women prefer using their fingers to climax – so, if you insert one of the vibrators AND then finger your clitoris to orgasm – it is double the pleasure. Or, you could use the vibrator to supply the clitoral stimulation as well. It is all up to you and what you prefer. I personally believe all women should have a sleek vibrator, a bullet, and, of course, a dual-action vibe.
DOUBLE YOUR CHANCES
As discussed above, the idea of vaginal penetration AND clitoral stimulation is not only appealing to many women, but essential for orgasm! Research indicates that many women will have their most intense orgasms with penetration and clitoral stimulation. Lucky for us, there are toys available to provide just that!
A DUAL ACTION vibrator is made to vaginally penetrate you, while also providing clitoral stimulation – a double pleasure punch! What is so wonderful about Duals is that because all the stimulation you need is packed into one toy, your other hand is free to roam and tease the rest of your body! Tweak those nipples, feel your tummy – do what feels good to YOU. Some of my top picks for Duals are: The Bath Time Bunny, the Rotating Rabbit Dual-Action Vibe, and the Thrusting Jack Rabbit – and there are SO MANY MORE!
Dual actions are my definite pick for any woman who is having a hard time orgasming. If this is you, and you have tried everything else, invest in a dual action. Spend some time alone playing with your new toy. Dual actions can seem very intimidating and intense – but they ARE NOT! I would not recommend a dual to a virgin – because it does involve penetration – but would suggest them to any other woman who wants to have an orgasm! I honestly believe that a dual action is the one toy which has the capacity to bring any woman to orgasm.
ORGASMS DURING SEX
Perhaps you do not have an issue orgasming on your own, but find it hard to orgasm during intercourse. Well, I would tend to believe that this is due to one of two issues: unable to relax and concentrate or lack of clitoral stimulation. Upwards of 85% of all women NEED clitoral stimulation to orgasm. PERIOD. This means during sex also. So, the simple solution to some of you who may not be orgasming during sex is to TOUCH YOURSELF!
Perhaps your partner is of the idea that if you have to touch yourself he isn’t doing his job. This is just not true. Your man can be the world’s best lover and STILL not get you to orgasm if he never touches your clit! The other side of the coin is that many men find it super sexy to watch their women masturbate – but they are afraid to ask for it. So, if you are having orgasm issued – try giving clitoral stim a chance. Rub your clit gently – or ask your partner to.
Perhaps integrate a bullet or a couples clit simulator such as the Diving Dolphin or the Nubby Tongue Extreme Vibe . Any of these items provide clitoral stimulation during intercourse without you having to touch yourself at all – PLUS, the offer some stimulation for your man as well! Of course, there are some sexual positions which provide some clitoral stimulation – such as the women on top missionary, or the woman on her back, knees bent with the man rubbing HIS pelvic arch against her clitoral area. The fact is – while these positions provide the stimulation – if you are having a hard time orgasming – you will need more direct pressure than this.
OVER IN A FLASH
For many women, getting to climax takes a while – and timing is everything here. If I could be a fly on bedroom walls across America, I would bet that many women scream, “don’t stop honey, I am almost there,” just as their partners cum with a disappointed, “sorry baby, couldn’t last any longer.” Even men with exceptional staying power may not be long enough to provide the big “O” for their women. What is the answer to this?
Well, the first is to get really aroused before intercourse. Foreplay is so important for women, and should be for men too. The hotter you are before he puts it in – the more likely your are to have an orgasm. When you become aroused – blood rushes to your clitoris, then when you touch or stimulate your clit – you can have an orgasm. If you become aroused BEFORE sex begins – your chances of orgasming are greater! So, have some more FOREPLAY! Don’t jump right to the sex – enjoy each other – you both will love it!
Also, if he is getting close, but you aren’t – have him STOP! Yes, that is right, STOP. Just stay still and YOU keep feeling, touching or tantalizing your clit. Squeeze those PC muscles – that will be enough to keep him hard in the meantime – and when you start to get closer, he can start pumping again! This way, maybe you will even cum together – how nice would that be?
MIND OVER MATTER
Let’s face it; the mind is a powerful tool! If we come to our bedrooms thinking about our next day’s requirements, what the kids have to have made for school in the morning, what we are presenting at school or work, or even just that we are too tired – we are NOT going to have an orgasm! Women are a delicate balance of feelings and physiological expressions that can get off balance soooo quickly. So, how do you leave the daily humdrum when you come to bed? YOU JUST DO IT!
When you come to bed with your partner – leave all the stresses of life outside the door. Be present with your lover – be present with yourself. Allow yourself to BREATHE, unwind and FEEL the pleasure of SEX and FOREPLAY and ORGASM! Don’t let your mind wander any further than a sexual fantasy or what is happening in the moment.
This is NOT easy – in fact, this is one of the hardest things for most women to do – especially mothers. We can never fully forget our children, lives, responsibilities. However, for the time you are in a sexual situation with your partner – try to do it. Make sure the kids are tucked in, the house is secure- and let GO! Let the calming nature of sexual pleasure take over you. IF you do this regularly, it will get easier – like a Yoga exercise! It is your time together – be present – you owe it to yourself and your partner.
There are some women who just can’t reach orgasm no matter what they try. There can be a few explanations for this; one is medicinal or hormonal conflict. Frequently, women who have had hysterectomies or other similar hormone affecting surgeries have a lot of issues with libido and with orgasm. Orgasm is a physical response BUT it involves emotions and hormonal release as well. If your body is being deprived of a hormone due to the removal of a body part which produces those hormones – you can find yourself unable to experience pleasure in the same way you could previously.
If this is the case, not all hope is lost. Talk to your doctor about hormone replacement therapy or medicinal therapies which aid in libido. Also, there are Clit Creams and Enhancers such as VIVA CREAM which help to do a part of what the hormones are supposed to do – bring blood to the clitoris to aid in sexual excitement. There are millions of women affected by this – and there is help available. In addition, the above techniques combined with not pressuring yourself to orgasm can greatly help you to find pleasure in sex again. Sex is something that we all need – and crave – and when you do not have an orgasm it becomes a chore, something you do not want. DON’T FALL INTO THAT THINKING WOMEN! Allow yourself the time to explore options and techniques. It will get better!
There are also certain anti-depressants which cause a decrease in sexual response. If you are on an anti-depressant medication and notice that you have lost sexual drive or the ability to orgasm – talk to your doctor about changing medications or getting a supplement. If your doctor is unwilling to change medicines – change doctors. Sexual response is essential to our livelihood and overall happiness – do not take it lightly that you are missing this part of your life!
If you have other issues not aforementioned that seem to be taking away from your sexual response - talk to your GYNE, he or she should be willing to discuss what is heeding your orgasm - and believe me, they have heard it ALL!
EXPERIENCE THE ‘O’
I sincerely hope that this article has given you new hope to finding YOUR ORGASM! It is my belief that all women are capable of having world-class orgasms every time they have sex or masturbate – we just need to learn how. Orgasms are not simple to achieve – and if you are one of those people who has them regularly and without much trouble (GOOD FOR YOU!) I am of that group, but it took me a few years to get in touch with my own sensuality and sexuality and to become familiar with my body and what I liked enough to be able to have orgasms every time I have sex.
Whatever your stumbling block on the road to Orgasm-ville, all hope is not lost! You can learn to please yourself, you can teach someone else how to please you or, you can fine-tune your body and muscles to provide greater pleasure to yourself and to your partner! The most important things to remember are to RELAX, BREATHE, CONCENTRATE ON PLEASURE AND NOTHING ELSE and by GOD – have FUN! Sex and masturbation are natural, healthy ways of expressing ourselves!
If just one women finds her orgasm because of this article then I know that I have done my “job” here! If you do – share the knowledge! Tell a girlfriend about self-pleasure and release! Let us not live in the darkness but come fully into the light! Let us scream, “I am CUMMING” from our bedrooms in loud and proud voices!
Let Us Know!