Statistically, 40-50% of all marriages end in divorce – and the rate is rising! Factor in the number of long-term relationships that are also ending daily and you have a whole lot of newly single people out in the world looking for love – and sex! A divorce is an extremely traumatic event no matter the cause. Even civil divorces – where both parties agree it is for the betterment of both – can and will cause pain, fear, sadness and even depression. You can’t be married to someone and not feel the loss of their presence in your life. That is human nature. Similarly, long-term relationships (or even not so long) pack a punch when it comes to breaking up. We often find ourselves wanting to take a mental and physical break from dating and intimacy. This is healthy and probably the best thing to do. However, at some point we will want to get back on the wagon as far as dating goes – and soon after – sex! How can we enjoy intimacy with another person after having our hearts broken? How do we adjust to a new partner after having sex with the same partner for 10 or more years? These are all issues that come up after a break-up – how to get back in the saddle!
GIVE YOURSELF THE TIME
Probably the first and most important thing to remember when trying to decide whether you are ready to have sex again after a break-up is that you need time to grieve the loss of the last relationship. You need to allow the sadness and the process of letting go of the previous relationship. IF you don’t, you are most likely going to find yourself in a very awkward position when you next hit the sheets with someone. Being MENTALLY prepared for a new sex partner is more important than being physically ready. This means, just because you miss sex and may be horny, it may not be the right time to jump back in. Your emotional rawness will not bode well, I assure you.
The Truth About Female Sexual Desire
FIND THE RIGHT PARTNER
Loneliness sucks. No ifs, ands or buts, it does. No one likes to be alone – at least not for a long time. When we are divorced (and especially if our ex has a new partner) we may feel lonely to the point of just wanting to fill the void. This may cause us to hook up with someone whom we really would have no interest in being with long term – or – we fool ourselves into liking someone more than we should just to fill that void in our bed. IF you want to truly be ready to move on sexually you have to wait for the right partner. This means someone whom you truly like, on all levels, and who also respects you and your situation. Jumping into bed with a guy who may want to just get a booty call out of the way or with a girl who you don’t like, but are attracted to, is not the way to go. Waiting for a partner who you can connect with on many levels is the way to go.
DON’T BE PRESSURED
If you want to truly enjoy your next sexual experience then it is imperative that you do not allow yourself to be pressured into sex! There is no shame at all in waiting until you are ready. Remember, a break-up is a traumatic experience, and jumping right into the sack with someone is like putting a Barbie Band-Aid on a gunshot wound: it won’t fix it. If you are dating someone who knows your situation (and you should always be honest) and is pressuring you for sex – they are not the right partner for you! Someone who respects you as a person (and not just a booty call) will understand you wanting to take it slowly. If you find a partner who is understanding, then you most likely will want to have sex with them sooner rather than later because it will feel RIGHT to you! That is important. Take things at your own pace, and with your own terms.
ALLOW THE PLEASURE
Finally, once you have found the right partner, it is time to allow yourself the simple pleasures of sex! The feelings and touches and excitement of a new partner can be such a tremendously exciting time! The first time you get truly intimate with a new partner is scary and exhilarating and downright fun! Don’t think about the past – live and be in the present with the new partner! Enjoy the different ways he or she touches, kisses and caresses. Get lost in the moment with them. Allow yourself the new discovery of him or her. Take the opportunity to look at the new partner as almost a sexual “do-over” in that you can explore new things, take new risks, try new activities to please you both. Allowing yourself, or giving yourself permission, to enjoy the pleasure is going to be the final step in moving on! Celebrate the newness and look forward to the future – even if you are just looking at the next few hours naked and sweaty in bed!
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