In a recent TooTimid poll, a large majority of people admitted that they would rather have sex with their NEIGHBOR over a rock star or movie star? Really? People are actually fantasizing about REAL people over those on the big screen? I found this very interesting and decided that I had to ask some of my girlfriends, guy friends and of course the discussion forum to see who they were thinking of during fantasy time. I was interested – why a “real” person if it is a fantasy and you can have anyone? Why choose “Mr. Smith” over Brad Pitt? Would my male friends feel the same way? If they could fantasize about Angelina Jolie or the woman at the A & P – why the “real” woman? I found the answers I got interesting, and I am confident that you will too!
In my first “Ladies Lunch” since baby there were plenty of cocktails to loosen up my female buddies so that I could pick their brains about this fascinating topic. I invited the following interviewees to my luncheon:
Leighton (32) – legal secretary
Katie (37) – teacher
Jenni (36) – Mom and Housewife
I asked my friends; when you are having fantasy time who do you REALLY fantasize about? Do you fantasize about your favorite rock star or movie star or perhaps a real person? Leighton was the first to speak up – she said: “I have two running fantasies depending on my mood. If I am in the mood for something quick and heated, I always imagine Dylan McDermot and myself having sex in a pool. There is something about him that can get me hot – and fast. However, if I am in the mood for a slow seductive night, then it is hands down my best friend’s brother. Matt is a HOOT and just has something about him. I have known him for 15 years and this fantasy has been around since the first time I saw him (of course it has gotten hotter and more detailed since my younger days)."
OK, so I guess it is OK to have more than one fantasy – variety is the spice and all that. I asked Leighton, why would she use Matt for her slow nights, and Dylan for the fast nights. She replied:
“Basically, Matt is a ‘real’ person – someone I know a lot about. I have seen him in his boxers, I have touched him, hugged him, talked to him. I have much more to go on when formulating a fantasy than I would have for Dylan. I mean, yeah, I have seen the movies and TV shows Dylan is in, but that is not MY fantasy, that is some director’s fantasy. So, for me, if I want to really get myself hot, thinking of something that MAY possibly happen some day as opposed to the ‘not a chance in hell’ – really makes my blood boil!”
I have to admit, I have never thought about it like this. If you have a fantasy about a real person that you know, you have a lot more ammunition for the fantasy. Voice inflections, mannerisms, clothing choices and such. Also, you can think about familiar things – and this makes the fantasy much more realistic. Right on Leighton’s heals my friend Jenni was next to fess up:
“Well, for me there is always the same fantasy and I am embarrassed to admit it. When I was 17 there was this guy at the roller rink who I always wanted to skate with. You know, couple’s skate? Well, his name was Jim and he was so cute. Teenager cute, not grown man cute. One night he FINALLY asked me to skate. We skated half the song then retreated to the corner of the rink to make-out like the teenagers that we were. We only kissed, and his hand went up to cop a feel of my boob, but kissing was it. When I have a fantasy that does not include my husband, Jim is the one I imagine. After all these years he has remained a constant in my fantasy mind."
OK, nothing embarrassing about that as far as I am concerned. A fond childhood memory that really never came to much of fruition – I can understand that completely. However, I wanted to know, was it the same fantasy – always just the kissing?
“Oh heck no! In my current fantasy, we go all the way in the bathroom of the rink. The glorious thing is that I am still my 17 year old self (pre-baby and pre-saggage) and he has stayed the same as well. We kiss, and begin to get heated, then he rolls me to the bathroom like I am on a cloud and we do it skates still on in the bathroom! It is hot and for some reason, I always come back to this!”
Now that is interesting. I never thought of “freezing time” in my fantasies. In my fantasies I am always my current me – well, OK, not my CURRENT BODY, but me. Even in my fantasies where I think about my ex I am still me today. This I found very interesting and I did understand it. We all have experiences in our life that make an indelible imprint on our memory – and this was Jenni’s. Time for Katie to fess up. She didn’t seem to be forthcoming with her “confession” so I had to goad her a bit. Finally, she admitted that she does have a fantasy man. She told us that she sometimes thinks about celebrity guys (and gals) during masturbation, but this is not exactly her fantasy. Her fantasy is very, very exact and involves a whole process. The funny thing about her fantasy man is that she has known him her whole life – literally. This man is a friend of her father’s – therefore, he is her father’s age. Katie continues a bit with her confession, seemingly embarrassed.
“My father’s friend is a very, very good looking man. Think Anderson Cooper in looks and body style. He has known my dad my whole life. I remember seeing him at family events, baptisms, birthdays. When my Dad turned 40 my Mom threw him a surprise party and his friend was there. By that time I was nearly 21. This man handed me a drink at my Dad’s party, saying I was ‘old enough and certainly beautiful enough to join him in a toast for my father.’ Oh… I melted. Here this man that I had known my whole life – and hadn’t particularly noticed as anything other than my Dad’s friend – had called me ‘beautiful.’ He had this sexy tone of voice, a very handsome face, and he was just someone who made my heart pound. That night I had a masturbation session to end all masturbation sessions! I imagined that drink led to dinner, dinner led to dancing, dancing led to kissing, and kissing led to sex! It is a very detailed fantasy where I become the love of this man’s life!”
Well, there is obviously a great differential here between my friends. One fantasizes about an older man, another a ‘boy’ from her past and still another a current friend. None said that their man, hot fantasy man was a famous person. Very interesting indeed. I couldn’t wait for my guy’s poll – would the men be the same?
Common Sexual Fantasies To Explore
MARGARITAVILLE WITH THE MEN
I learned a few things in my many years having men as my good friends, but one thing has always held true: provide food and drinks (alcohol) men will come a runnin’! My little manly party included:
Harrison (31) – lawyer
Ryan (36) – professional photographer
Ron (34) – retail management
After many a drink, a ton of hot wings and red meat (I know, total cliché) – my men friends were ready to talk. I asked them the same thing I asked my gal pals and Ryan was first to come clean – if that is what I can call it in good faith. He admitted that he often times uses the “real” women of Playboy, Penthouse or other ‘girlie’ productions. I explained that that is not really a ‘fantasy’ as much as it is ‘whack off’ inspiration. He then said that his one, true fantasy is the one woman he can never have, but has always wanted. He said it is the love of his life, his muse and inspiration. He confessed, it is me! Harrison is a bit of a joker (obviously) so I was not sure that he was telling the truth. He went on to say that it is not me, per se, but more the overall attitude that I have. Now I was confused. We have been friends a long, long time, and never crossed those lines. I didn’t think that he would want to.
"Look Mikayla, when we met 15 years ago we became instant friends. You were and are so open about everything that I was immediately smitten with your honesty, humor, willingness to talk about sex like a man and just your overall personality. Of all the women whom I have dated, none have been like that – open, exposed. IF I was to have one fantasy it would be to find a woman who looks like Sienna Miller and acts like you!”
WOW. What can I say? As I sit here typing these words, I still am a bit shocked that I had this type of effect on him. So while he doesn’t want ‘me’ exactly, he wants someone like me. I was totally flattered and dumbfounded. First, I was surprised that any man could see past the external and fantasize about internal. Second, I didn’t realize that personality played into a fantasy at all, especially for men. I would have expected this of my female friends, not my male ones – it was a pleasant surprise. My friend Harrison quickly jumped into the conversation, saying that while he loves me and all, I am not his fantasy. I was relieved! Two surprises in one night would have been way too much for me. He said that for him, the ultimate fantasy is not a real person; that is not what a fantasy is for him. He much prefers the “hottie” of the week, meaning the latest hot, female star. Currently, he is lusting over Kiera Knightley – something about the accent gets him. I asked if there were any “real” people that he has fantasized about and he said “no,” it is always the unattainable that he finds attractive and desirable. I suppose I could understand that. A fantasy, by basic definition, is something that can’t happen, or has some element of hidden desire. The last one I probed for an answer was Ron, my newly married long time friend. He told me that his fantasy isn't some glamour queen, a famous person, or even me (oh poo), but instead his wife.
"The first time I saw my then future wife come into my corporate office I wanted her – BAD! I had her in my mind something fierce and that doesn’t happen to me often. I followed her down the hall and waited for her to come out of her meeting. I felt like a damn stalker, but I had to ask her out. When she finally came out of the meeting, I handed her my card, introduced myself and asked her to dinner. She refused. For the next month, she was the one and only fantasy that I had. The woman that shot me down cold! Eventually, she came back in for another meeting and I asked her out again, this time she said yes. The rest is history – dating, marriage, happily ever after. Since I met her, no other woman has held a candle to her – real or fantasy.”
WOW again. I didn’t realize that my friends had such ‘depth’ – especially my male friends. I was very, very surprised with these results -2 of three wanted ‘real’ people over the celebrity du jour! I guess this says something about what makes a man tick! Totally enlightening and surprising!
FRIENDS OF THE FORUM
I also posted this question on the forums – just to see what people I don’t know are thinking about when it comes to sexual fantasies and who they truly desire. Of the people who answered the results were:
1 pastor (yes, pastor)
2 best friends
So, the majority of answers did not lead to a celebrity, but instead real people. Hey, you can’t get much more real than a PASTOR! The reasons for the ‘real’ folks were similar to those already stated. Besides physical attraction, there was also a connection of some kind. Being able to talk, connect, discuss with this person. Knowing this person and never crossing the line. This seems to be a common ground among people who choose real folks for their answers. I find it refreshing that most people are not stuck in “celebrity haze.” I myself do not fantasize much about famous actors and actresses. When my fantasies do not include my husband, they are past memories of some hot encounter I had. For me, my life is sort of my fantasy. Having someone who I connect with, have great sex with, really love and can do or say anything with is really a fantasy come true. I know this is how many people feel about their partners. Does this mean if someone fantasizes about another person that they are somehow unfulfilled? Of course not. The beauty of a fantasy is that it is just that – harmless, fun, fantasy! I think that the fact that my sampling of guys and gals shows a preference for real events – real encounters – and more than just a flawless bod and big knockers – speaks for itself. I am grateful to know that we ‘real women’ can still be the object of fantasy. This should speak to all those women who are desperately trying to become just like Angelina Jolie! While she has her admirers I am sure, there are many people out there simply looking for “a good person.” As my friend Ryan said about me, it is about personality and character, not always about physicality. While I am sure that my bubbling personality is fine – I am also confident in saying that if my friend Ryan had the chance to bed a celeb he wouldn’t kick her out of bed because she wasn’t just like me! Discovering that people can still fantasize about their spouses is also a welcome admission. I find it utterly refreshing to know that love is still alive when it comes to marriage. I feel you should marry someone who is, in some way, your fantasy person. This is different for all people, but if it has some truth it would be that we should not settle for less.
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