Over my past year and some odd months posting on the TooTimid forum, one question has come up over and over again: What do I do if my partner’s sex drive is not as high as mine? In fact, a similar dilemma is what brought me to the forum in the first place. Yes, it is true, my hubby and I had a period where we just were NOT connecting sexually as much as I would have liked and I was concerned. Since then, we have resolved our issues through honest discussions and some sexual techniques and are now completely on the same page. Over the same time period, I, along with other TooTimid posters, have helped to shed some light on this subject in an effort to help those who have asked, and those who do not ask, but want to know as well. If you think that your situation is helpless, let me assure you – it isn’t! There are many approaches to tackling this issue, and it is my pleasure to sum up some of the basics in an effort to help those of you who have come to this article for help. Let my experience, along with what I have learned from others, help you get your sex life back on track!
REASONS FOR THE RUT
Before you jump to the conclusion that your lack of sexual intimacy is due to your lover’s seeming disinterest in you, take a step back and do some evaluations regarding your overall situation. It is easy for people, especially women, to automatically assume that their lovers no longer find them attractive – or – that their lover is cheating on them. This is a valid choice, and probably should cross your mind. HOWEVER, the last thing you want to do with a relationship that is on shaky ground is to unjustly accuse your lover of foul play. So, step back...think, analyze and take a cold, hard look at everything – including what you might be doing that contributes to the disinterest. The following are some possibilities for falling into a sexual rut. Keep in mind that these situations might apply to your situation, and they might not. If you feel that one of these issues is a possibility, then ask your lover about it. Honest discussion, not confrontation, is the best way to handle things.
ADDITIONS TO THE FAMILY
One of the biggest changes in a family or relationship dynamic is the addition of a child or children. EVERYTHING changes when little ones are added into the mix. There is more stress, less sleep, more monetary responsibility, less privacy, less time and most of all – a physical and hormonal change in the woman. When a woman has a child, her priorities change drastically – and unfortunately, sex oftentimes falls to the way, way, way bottom of the list. While this does not hold true for all new Moms – some resume sexual intimacy as a way to relax and unwind after a day with the kids – it is more frequent for new Mommies to feel a bit uninterested in sex. If your partner has just given birth – and you have dutifully waited the 6 weeks for her to be able to have sex again – keep in mind that both of your worlds have changed. She may or may not be interested in having sex, but I guarantee, it is NOT on the forefront of her mind. Approach her delicately about it – ask her if she is ready to get intimate again. If she says “no,” then give her a little more time. There are ways for you to help your partner get back into the swing of things. Help her with the kids, the housework, make dinner. Offer to watch the children while she bathes or takes a walk. Give her time for herself.
Many women get deterred from sex after childbearing because they feel torn in too many directions – kids, work, housework, dinner, dishes – and then you want sex. They have no “me” time – and if they did, they would be more receptive to sex. You can wait until your children are tucked in their beds and then offer her a massage – no pressure – just a wind down. Run her a bath with some bath salts, followed by a massage with a premium massage oil. The odds of her feeling more romantic after a relaxing bath and massage are much higher than if you try to attack her after she spends the day and night taking care of the kids. Women are not the only ones who go through changes after children come into the picture. Men also have an increased stress level – perhaps a greater feeling of “providing” for the family. Men have more responsibility than they did before children, and this increases their stress level. Also, some men have issues seeing their partner as a “sexual being” after watching her give birth, or mother a child. The once sexual spots are now “baby making” organs. IF this is the situation in your relationship, then both of you have parts to play. The woman has to ensure her partner that she is still a sexual person. That she can be MOTHER and LOVER at the same time. Initiate sex with your partner ladies, let him know that you want and desire him. Make time for him, assure him that you want him, get him looking at you in a sexual way again. Basically, seduce him ladies. Guys, if this is you – do not worry about disgracing the mother of your children. She can be the same caliber of lover that she was before she gave birth. Do not have concerns about her vagina not being the same – the vagina is a wonderful organ – it stretches back to the before baby state – and you will never know the difference. You will not hurt your lover, and she has enough love for you and the baby.
How To Surprise Him Sexually
Along the same lines, a woman’s sexuality is directly tied to her self image. If she has just had a baby, or perhaps she is just getting a little older, the chance of her having a little extra something on her tummy, hips or thighs can really be a sexual downer for her. Even if you do not notice the extra 10 pounds, she DOES. While adding extra weight does not always mean that she will become asexual – most women can not separate their body image from their sexuality. Stretch marks or C-Section scars can really weigh heavily on our minds – and we are SURE that you are totally disgusted by our new body. So, what can you do to assure your partner that she is still super sexy? TELL HER! Tell her that her extra cleavage or bigger bottom turn you on! Kiss her, caress her, romance her. If she thinks that you find her sexy, she will feel sexier as well. Also, if she asks you to “honestly” tell her if she has gained weight – let me tell you from a woman’s point of view – do NOT answer her. This is a trap guys! If you say “yes,” then she has it in her mind that you know she is FAT; and if you say “no” she will think you are avoiding the question, and your reluctance to answer is just a cover. The best answer is, “I think you are more beautiful now than you were before (baby or aging) and I love YOU no matter what!” – or something similar. The same solutions offered in the family addition category hold true here.
Seduce her, romance her, massage her – show her you LOVE her and her body no matter what. When she sees that you are still aroused by her, then she will begin to have better self-image. Truthfully, no one can really give your partner a better self image but herself. It has to come from within, just try to encourage it. Of course, men can have negative body images as well. Women are not the only ones who gain weight. Men also have the added curse of loosing their hair! If your man is going through a crisis of hair loss or weight gain – do the same for him as you would like done for you! Let him know how sexy you find him; assure him that you are still attracted to him. Take the initiative when it comes to sex – do not wait for him, attack him and get HIM into the mood. Soon, he will forget about the beer belly and you both will be on the road to the reconnect.
STRESS, STRESS, STRESS
Stress is the surest killer of a sexual relationship – but it doesn’t have to be. Stress can affect both partners, or only one partner, but believe you me, if it affects one partner, the other feels it too. Common stressors in a relationship are money issues, new job, school stress, adding children even pets. Sometimes people find certain things more stressful than others would. Men are especially sensitive to stress. When a man feels that he is under pressure – he can have erectile issues. A man’s sexuality is directly tied to his self image as well – and if he feels that he is not properly providing for his family, that can affect how his erection performs. So, how do you control something that is most likely out of your control? You use SEX as a STRESS RELIEVER! Yes, it is true, and the thinking seems a bit illogical, but sex releases hormones and chemicals that naturally relax the body. In essence, sex is a form of natural valium. You may be asking, how do I get into sex if I feel too stressed out to do it? Simple, you put it in your mind that it will help, and you do it. Start with a nice shower together, just relaxing and basking in each other’s body and comfort. Wash each other’s hair, body and genitals. Get out and retreat to the bedroom. Light candles, play music, sit naked and just enjoy each other. When you feel relaxed – then start the intimate touching and proceed to sex. This is a whole seduction and relaxation situation. This is exactly how my hubby and I reconnected.
After starting a new, high responsibility and high stress job – he felt too wound up to have sex. When he explained that this was his problem, I knew what to do. I would pour him a drink when he got home. After dinner, and when our son was asleep, I would usher him into the shower and just give him a nice water massage. He protested at first, saying “honey, I am too stressed for sex.” I assured him that I was just relaxing him. After the shower, a nice massage and some kissing he was READY, WILLING and ABLE to perform. When finished, we cuddled and he fell asleep. He told me the next night that it was EXACTLY what he needed. So, whether it is one or both of you who is stressed, getting together in relaxing and pseudo-sexual situations can help to reconnect you and get you back into the intimate thinking. Remember also that sometimes life will be too stressful for you to relax this way. There is no need to force it, but do not let it go too far before addressing the matter.
It is no secret that many medications designed to treat depression and anxiety can actually KILL Libido in one, foul swoop. It is ironic that a medication meant to help a person’s overall health and well-being can actually prevent something as healthy as sex from occurring. This has been a common denominator on the forums when women admit that their sex drives have become lower. The medications drain the sexual urge – and as a result, depression occurs on that account. Birth control pills, ironically, can also be a factor. Whenever hormones are adjusted or tampered with, the sex drive can be affected. For men, the common culprit has been blood pressure medications. These medications help to reduce blood pressure, and the pressure of the blood into the penis is what causes and erection – ergo, erections can suffer or cease on certain medications. So, what do you do when a medication is draining your urge to have sex? TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR! Oftentimes there are other options for the medication that you are on. Specifically, the psychotropic drugs can be replaced with another option. Blood pressure medications may not be as easy to switch out, but natural remedies to help with blood pressure issues can help. So, if you have noticed a decrease in libido, don’t avoid sex, have a discussion with your lover and your doctor. Let both of them know what is going on. There are many more options now, and your sex life does not have to suffer!
How To Fix Bad Sex
It is a common fact that a woman’s sex drive peaks in her 30’s and 40’s, while a man peaks at around 18. This is a cruel joke of nature. While not true for all men, many men enjoy sex more and more each year, it should be considered if you are finding a mismatch in sexual urges. Frequently as well as we age our bodies change and our attitude toward sex changes too. We become busy with kids, grand kids, retirement. Sex is no longer on the forefront of our minds. This is just not the way to be. If you still have a high sex drive, but your lover doesn’t, try to find out why. Unfortunately, for many men, as aging begins things do not work as quickly or as well as they did in their 20’s. Erections may take longer to achieve, and not stay as hard as they once did. This can be embarrassing for the man, and cause many internal doubts in the mind of the woman. There are many medications now that can help a man along with this kind of issue.
If you prefer to take a more natural approach, there are options for both men and women. For men, Penis Pumps, Male Enhancement Creams, or Cock Rings can be extremely helpful in these situations. While these products can not help every man, they have been found to be very helpful in a majority of cases. For women, the problem can often be a desensitization of her clitoris. This can happen for many reasons, and the cause is not exactly known. Some women find it helpful to use a Clitoral Cream, such as Viva Cream. These creams work by naturally stimulating blood flow to the clitoris, and hence increases arousal. This is sometimes a very simple answer to a common problem. OR, just using a sex toy, such as a Bullet to directly stimulate the clitoris before or during sex can really help with this type of issue.
THE UGLY TRUTH
While there are many, many reasons for a mismatched sex drive, there are other possibilities that may not be as easy to hear or to realize. Sometimes couples who have been together for a while let themselves go due to the comfortable nature of their relationships. Perhaps they have gained weight, stopped putting on make-up or getting their hair done, or even stopped caring generally about their appearance. People become attracted to each other for a reason, and while the concept of “love knows no bounds” is a great sentiment, the truth is, if you fell in love with a 120 pound girl or guy who is now tipping the scales at 300 – there can be some understandable change in attraction. You probably still LOVE your partner, but the attraction is not there. While I am NOT saying that only skinny people are attractive – God knows I have gained more pounds than I have lost in the last 5 years – understanding why your mate might not be as attracted to you as they were before you gained the weight is something you might have to come to terms with. Men or women who are overweight do not have to run to the stomach stapler to get thin – but what they should do is continue to have pride in their appearance. Dress well, get manicures and pedicure, keep your hair done. It is a positive SELF IMAGE that not only helps YOU but also relays a message to your partner.
This issue can really affect both partners. Believe you me, overweight people know that they are overweight – and they do not like it. They have a range of feelings that oftentimes does not include a feeling of sexiness. It is important to NOT get down on yourself when this happens. Play up the positives, remember what your partner loved about you before you gained weight, make a decision to try and get healthier – not SKINNIER – but healthier. If your partner is just not into your sexual appearance at the moment, try to change their view of you. Play up your assets, use what you have, seduce them. IF they turn you down, then either come to grips with it and try to change what you don’t like, or kick them to the curb. Putting more pressure on you will not make things better. It is a medical fact that being overweight is mentally and physically exhausting. While conversely, exercise produces a natural high that closely resembles and aphrodisiac. Ergo, getting moving makes you horny! That is a double bonus, you are doing something great for YOU while also increasing your sexual libido. So, GET MOVING!!!
CHEATING HEARTS AND LYING EYES
As I said in the beginning of this article, sometimes cheating happens and this IS the reason why your lover is straying from your bed. It is important to remember that if your lover cheats, it is NOT your fault – no matter what they tell you. It is THEIR decision to leave the relationship. It is also important to remember NOT to accuse your lover of cheating unless you are fairly certain. Although, if you have a strong suspicion, trying to confirm is the best way to protect yourself and your health. The last thing you want is to get an STD from your cheating partner. If you have confirmed that your partner is cheating, you have a decision to make. To stay, or to go. If you stay, the trust is most likely ruined forever and it might be hard to rebuild. Getting couple’s counseling to discern the reason for the cheating and to help the communication is the best course of action. IF you go, remember why you chose to leave the relationship and have no regrets or blame for doing so. Cheating is not as common as most people believe. However, in today’s world many people view certain activities as cheating – such as internet relationships, viewing porn online, or just consorting with a new person in an asexual manner. It is up to each person individually to discern what they feel is a breach of their relationship.
This article is meant to touch on some of the most common reasons for sexual mismatch. The suggestions given her are a small sampling of things that can be done to smooth the way to a better sexual relationship. The most important thing to remember is to DISCUSS your feelings – in a non-confrontational manner. Understand your partner and what they may be going through internally, or externally. Think about what medicines may be interfering with the natural sexual experiences you once shared. Remember that aging happens, but it is NOT the death of sex. The main point is, if you want to get back on track with your lover, you will find a way. Sometimes relationships can’t be saved, and this is unfortunate but a fact of life. Try to remember what caused you to fall in love or lust with your partner in the first place and revisit those emotions.
Feel free to think outside the box when it comes to your sex life. Utilize new techniques, reconnect and re-ignite the romance. This is THE YEAR for you to fix whatever may be wrong or mismatched in your sex life.
Let Us Know!