There are many reasons why we may be feeling not so sexy at the moment. Could be we just had a baby and are not even remotely interested in sex. Could be we have gained / lost a substantial amount of weight and we feel insecure about it. We could have had a surgery (like a mastectomy) and have scars or some sort of disfigurement. We could have just been dumped or ended a relationship where some ugly things were said (or, we just feel that it was our fault).
There are endless reasons why we may not be feeling sexy. Why does it matter? Why does feeling sexy matter at all? Well, for one, when we feel sexy we are feeling positive about ourselves. Even if we do not have a partner, feeling sexy boosts are self-esteem! We tend to take better care of ourselves if we feel sexy, and we definitely emit confidence when we feel sexy. Feeling sexy is something that we can actually control. No one else owns our sexiness but us – so if we FEEL sexy inside, then nothing external can really take that feeling away. So, what happens when you don’t feel sexy? How can you make yourself feel sexy when, well, you don’t?
FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT
No joke. I heard this many years ago from a good friend after I had just had my second baby. My body was terribly bloated, I had stretch marks all over, my boobs seemed deflated, my ass had grown substantially. I did NOT feel sexy. Even months after the birth I still did not feel sexy. My good friend told me, “Mikayla, you gotta fake it till you make it!” What she meant was while I was in a point of transition, I needed to at least feign self-confidence, to play up what I knew was still sexy about myself, to project a “nothing has changed” attitude when I was engaging in sex with my husband. I had to “fake” or trick my mind into making me feel sexy. You know what? It really did work! So, while you are figuring out the rest of it, just try to fake it till you make it!
PLAYING UP YOUR ASSETS
Everyone has some quality that they love about themselves, that they feel is beautiful or sexy. It could be your breasts, your thighs, your legs, your hair, your eyes, your ass – something on YOU makes YOU feel beautiful. So, if you are not so happy with your butt, but you love your boobs - then go get a corset to push those beauties up and center! When you look at yourself in the mirror you will see your best assets up front and center and it will make you feel confident and sexy! If you hate those thighs, then find clothing or lingerie that hides them by flowing around them. Have great hair? Do it up right! Go get some highlights and a new do to make you feel super sexy! You know what you have that is special to you – so highlight that and let the rest just take second fiddle for a while.
DRESS FOR SUCCESS
OK, here is the thing: when we dress sexy, we feel sexy. This can be a new pair of panties, a silky pair of thigh highs, and a new bra that really boosts the boobs. It can be a new dress or skirt, a slinky negligée, a new corset or even yoga pants! When you find that magical item of clothing, that new bra that actually fits, that dress that plays up all your curves – when you find that, wear it, and have your partner say, “Oh wow,” yeah, that is a great way to feel sexy. We all have that ability to find something we love to wear that looks great on us, and we all love to shop, right? So go to it!
PREPARE THE PLAYGROUND
It is really hard to feel sexy when you can braid the hair on your legs. Seriously, girl, you gotta tend to the garden too. When we take care of our bodies by shaving, waxing, putting on scented lotion, doing our hair and make-up and overall taking care of the body that we are going to share with a partner, well, it makes US feel sexy! When we neglect to shave for a few months, even if we do not have a partner, it tells our mind that we are not worth the effort. Really? You can’t take a few seconds to shave your pits! We NEED to invest in our own self-worth, not for anyone else, but for ourselves! So, shave those legs, put on that lotion, make that waxing appointment, go to the hair salon and color that gray! Prepare your playground ladies – no one wants to ride the broken swing!
MAKE A CHANGE
When we are not feeling sexy about ourselves we may fall into a depressive funk and we tend to sort of hide within a little shell. Our mental health takes a hit. Statistically, when you are taking steps to correct or fix what you see wrong with yourself, we feel instantly more positive. So, if you are struggling to get that after-baby weight off, start going to a gym! No, the weight will not fly off instantly, but we will feel good about doing something to change it. Plus, scientifically speaking, exercise creates a natural state of heightened libido! So, you will definitely feel more like having sex, which is a great motivator to keep on going. Perhaps your issue is more cosmetic and you need to take a more radical approach. Have small breasts that you have always hated? Go find a bra that can give you some extra lift? Or, if you really feel it is a detriment, look into breast implants! This is your body and your life and you are allowed – and encouraged – to make the most of it. This goes for guys too, if you are feeling like you need to lose some pounds or shed that beer gut, hit the gym!
That little voice we have in our head, that one that says, “God, you are so fat!,” when we look in the mirror. That little voice needs to shut the f up! No kidding. That internal dialogue that we all have with ourselves can be more detrimental to our mental health than anything we hear said to us. That little voice needs to be nurturing, loving and supportive – not mean and despising! That little voice is something that YOU control. So, the next time you look in the mirror say something positive. Say, “I love your eyes” or “you have a great smile” or “I can tell your stomach is getting flatter, good job!” Be your own personal cheerleader. Be your own best friend. Be a motivator! Be positive with yourself and you will be amazed at how that internal voice helps you to externalize a positive attitude!