Having confidence in oneself is a very important factor in life. There are many aspects that merge into self confidence (or self esteem). How we perceive ourselves in many aspects like – attractiveness, intelligence, personality, diligence, drive, to name a few – all factor into our overall self confidence. Have you ever heard a woman say, “It’s a good hair day!” Yes? Well, on “good hair days” we often feel like we have a bit of an edge. Our hair is doing what we want it to and we feel pretty and that leads in to feeling confident. It is a round robin of details that all combine into how we overall feel about ourselves. Conversely, when we feel not so pretty, are having a bad hair day or feel out of our depths in an intellectual conversation, then we may have low self confidence. When we have low self confidence we often do not feel very sexy or interested in sex. Again, the round robin of negative thoughts can be very detrimental to our sex drive and sex life.
I FEEL PRETTY, OH SO PRETTY
This is not just a famous song, but the words many women live by: I feel pretty. We are definitely our worst judges and we find every, single flaw that we have to offer. We use make-up and hair color and clothing to hide those flaws or to enhance what we feel good about. When we wake up and feel “pretty” due to any number of factors, then we are more likely to be confident in ourselves. However, when we do not feel pretty or judge ourselves to not be so, our libido often goes right out the window. How can we imagine ANYONE wanting to have sex with US? We are ugly, fat, stupid (Oh yes, we sometimes think these things). We wouldn’t want to have sex with ourselves why would he? This thought process seems to compound itself into a snowball of bad thoughts and anxiety until we are nearly so self-deprecating that there is no hope for return.
So, how do you combat this if your partner feels less than confident? Tell her she is beautiful. Not just when she is dolled up to go out, but when you wake up next to her and her make-up is off or smudged, her hair is all tousled from sleep and she is certain NO ONE would find her beautiful. Tell her she is. Give her complements when she does something that you deem is: funny, smart, clever. Gals, it is not our partner’s job to give us self-confidence either – while it does help – it is OUR job. We need to re-enforce those good things about ourselves. Use the things that make YOU feel pretty. Then, let the self-confidence build from there.
How Depression Affects Female Sexual Desire
How many times have you stood in front of the mirror and said, “I hate my ass” or “I hate how curly my hair is” or “I hate my stretch marks!” You know you have done it, we all have done it. This is self-hate and there is no way to be confident when we do this to ourselves. When we constantly re-enforce all the aspects in ourselves that we don’t like and never give ourselves positive reinforcement for the good things, well, how could we feel good enough about ourselves to have sex? Self hate is, by definition, hating ourselves. It is not easy to stop a self hater and usually nothing a partner says will help in these situations. Self confidence is about being confident with what you have and in yourself – if you hate yourself how can you be confident? Ladies, STOP the self hate! Learn to love those curls. Realize that your stretch marks came from making life in your stomach. Realize that your man probably loves your ass. Instead of looking in the mirror and saying, ‘I hate this’ strive to say “I love this...” about something.
SEX AND VULNERABILITY
Being sexual with someone is being at your most naked (figuratively and literally) and therefore, vulnerable. Taking off that barrier of clothing and letting him see ALL of you – with all your flaws – can be so intimidating. Add to that the emotional investment, the fear of falling in love, the fear of losing that love – and the idea of having sex with someone becomes less and less appealing. Oh, you may WANT to have sex with him, but it is far from your mind because you just know he will run screaming from the bedroom when he sees your cellulite. Girls, here is where the notion of “fake it till you make it” comes in. Every woman has some aspect of herself that she is not confident about. However, walk into that bedroom like you are the most sensual and sexual woman on the planet. Don’t imagine your stomach pooch, but instead visualize that you are long and lean and sexy. Use your body to seduce him – and gals, he WILL be seduced.
When men are asked what the sexiest characteristic of women is, more than 89% say: CONFIDENCE! WE are the ones who have the confidence. We can understand that the man wants to have sex with us, so why are we worried? WE can seduce him with every trick in the book. Use the assets you have and play them up! Got great boobs – wear a corset! Want to let your long legs be the star? Short chemise is your friend. Plus, candlelight! No one looks bad in candlelight! To allow yourself to be vulnerable in the bedroom means being confident and to do this we either have to learn to be so, or fake it until we make it! Oh and ladies, word to the wise: NEVER point out your flaws to him! He probably never even noticed nor cared about your C-section scar!
One thing that many women who have low self confidence suffer from is the idea that HE will leave me. Feeling unconfident and “less than” in some way does not lend itself to the idea that he is lucky to have you. No, instead you imagine him running away with the Starbucks barista or the cute girl who looked at him in the bar. This has nothing to do with how into you he actually is – but instead how negative you feel about yourself. You spend so much time worrying about him leaving you that you can’t enjoy a single second of the time while he is WITH you! This means that when it comes down to sex all you are thinking is, “Will this be the last time?” Or, “I wonder if he would rather screw the waitress?” How can anyone be confident in the bedroom when thoughts like that are going through your mind? You can’t!
Girls, the reality is, he may leave you. It is true. Sometimes things are not meant to be. Or, he may NOT leave you and you may get married and have lots of babies. Who knows the answer to that? I don’t. I do know the answer to this, though. What will happen if you are continually worried he will leave and as such don’t live in the moment and don’t enjoy intimacy and sex with him? Well, then he WILL leave. He will leave because you are no in the relationship with him. He will leave because YOU seem uninterested in him. So ladies, stop worrying about the “could happens” and stay in the moment. This manner of low self confidence hurts your sex life AND your relationship. He is with you for a reason – keeping being the best “you” you can be!
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