Fantasies, we all have them. Sometimes our fantasies are, well, outside of what society would consider standard. I don't use the word "normal" because that word connotes a sort of judgment, and no one should judge anybody's sexual desires. Any fantasy that is controversial, (meaning, any of which involving sex with children, real rape, torture, etc. is not moral or right) and should be treated as exactly what it is, a fantasy, not real life. Sometimes we may have a fantasy that borders on unusual and we are afraid to share it with our partner because they may judge us, find us odd, break-up with us, or even become afraid of us! Now you are probably wondering what types of fantasies could evoke such a powerful reaction, right? Well, think about these (more common than you know) fantasies that we sometimes keep inside:
Golden ShowersIncorporating being peed on or peeing on a partner.
Scat FantasiesIncorporating poop into sex play.
FurriesDressing up in a furry animal costume.
HorseplayWanting to dress like a horse with a bridle, etc.
Extreme BondageWanting to be restrained.
Torture PlayGetting sexual pleasure from pain.
Rape FantasyWanting to live out a rape scenario with a safe partner.
Sex with a StrangerSomeone NOT your partner, no one you know.
Sex with an ObjectBottles, cans, riding crop, etc.
Making a PornoMaking a sex tape with a partner or in general.
Sex with a Stripper/ JohnPaying or being paid for sex acts.
Cross DressingWearing the clothing/ lingerie of the opposite sex.
Sex with Multiple PeopleOrgies, threesomes, bukkakae, etc.
The list goes on and on, there are so many types of fantasies that listing them all is impossible. So, what if you have a fantasy like sex with a stranger? How do you tell your partner? Keeping in mind that a fantasy is a desire, not always something you would actually WANT to do in real life, but it is something that is in your mind. Sometimes we can keep a fantasy inside and never admit it, but sometimes we REALLY want to try something and we wish we could tell our partner. How do we go about that?
BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF
Before you unleash a fantasy on your partner, be totally honest with yourself and ask yourself these 4 questions:
1. Is this something I REALLY want to do or just talk about doing?
2. Is this something that would upset or hurt my partner?
3. Is it important enough to me to risk upsetting my partner?
4. Is this something I "have" to do at some point or I won't be sexually fulfilled?
Once you have asked yourself those questions, you will know whether or not you really want to discuss this with your partner. If, for example, you have a fantasy about having sex with many partners at once. You know without a doubt that your partner would be devastated to hear that you want anyone but them. If this is something you would never really do, but think about during masturbation or like to watch in porn, well, then it is not really worth bringing up because you would never really do it. On the contrary, if you have a fantasy that you have had for a long time, it keep emerging into your thoughts, and you know you have to experience it, well, then it may be worth taking the risk and telling your partner.
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FRAME THE DISCUSSION CAREFULLY
The above questions will help you to decide how you want to discuss this with your partner. If, for example, it is just a sexy thought, something you just want to vocalize but not actually DO, then make sure your partner knows this. You may want to frame the discussion like this:
"Baby, you know what? I have always had this fantasy that is a little unusual. It excites me to think about it, but I would never actually want it to happen. However, there is something dark and dangerous about it that turns me on."
Then you can go ahead and explain it, being clear that you do not want to do it. The reactions may STILL be judgmental or even panic (if they think you do want to play out the fantasy), but ultimately, all you have done is discuss some thoughts you have.
If, however, the fantasy is something you really do want them to partake in, but you are not sure how they would take the idea, you can frame the discussion like this:
"Honey, do you know how you told me about that 50 Shades of Grey fantasy you had? Well, I have a fantasy too, and it is a little strange, but I really think I would like to try it once if you are up to it. If you say no, it is not a big deal, but it may end up being something we both enjoy."
This sends the message that you want your partner to be involved in it, that it is OK if they do not want to do it, but also that it is something you are interested in actually exploring.
BE PREPARED FOR THE REACTION
Many times our partners may not have a very enthusiastic or favorable reaction to an unusual fantasy. Hearing our lover's deepest sexual thoughts can be jarring. It can cause a lot of reactions, some of which are severe. For example, if you are expressing a fantasy that may involve another person, a knee-jerk reaction may be that you are not sexually satisfied in the relationship, which would bring about feelings of jealousy or concern. Or, if you have a fantasy that involves rape or pain, your partner may wonder why you would want to engage in something so severe, and panic that you are not the person who they thought you were. Our reactions are individualistic and it is important that you be prepared for any and all reactions.
OPEN DIALOGUE / ANSWER QUESTIONS
Once you have opened the jar, you have to be prepared to honestly answer questions. Your partner may have many of them, and you can't just say "I don't know"Â but you have to honestly answer them. For example, let's say you just admitted to your partner that you have a rape fantasy. This is how a conversation could go:
"Why in the world would you EVER want to have someone rape you? Abuse you? Hurt you in that way?"
"I wouldn't. The fantasy is not about actually being raped. That idea scares me. I wouldn't want to be abused."
"Well, then why the hell do you tell me you fantasize about it?"
"Well, fantasies are safe. I can control what happens in my own mind, even though rape is not something that could be controlled. I told you because I trust you. I love you. I think I like the idea of you taking what you want from me, but I could still be safe while it is happening."
"Oh, so you don't want a stranger to do it, you just like the idea of being forcefully taken?"
In this example the couple gets to the root of the actual fantasy, and can work with the parameters of this type of sex act. It can actually be achieved together, and fulfill that part of her fantasy.
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BE PREPARED TO LET IT GO
Finally, when you bring up a fantasy to your partner, you have to be prepared to let it go and to never experience it. If your fantasy is something you HAVE to do, and your partner is not willing to help, then you have a choice - let it go or leave the relationship. Most of the time our fantasies are just that - fantasies. Not something we actually want to do, and we would be OK never doing them. So, if your partner says "no", then just let it go and keep it in your fantasy compartment. Or, if it is that important to you, then decide on whether you can continue in the relationship. I think once you think long and hard the relationship will ultimately win.
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