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7 Movie Sex Scenes That Are Totally Inaccurate

Posted by Randa to General / Misc Info

As a movie-watching maniac, I see a lot of sex scenes.  Some have an important place in the plot and are totally anticipated whereas others feel like the director went out of his or her way to surprise the audience.  Movies are almost never expected to be realistic, and least of all the sex scenes.  A lot of young people grow up thinking sex is always beautiful, wild, and spontaneous, until they finally get in bed with someone and realize that it’s not the big-screen experience they had anticipated.  Remember:  movies are fantasies.  Cinematic magic sprinkles its fairy dust over the sex as it does everything else.  But some scenes are laughably inaccurate, and here are just a few favorites.

Don Jon with Joseph Gordon-Levitt & Scarlett Johansson (2013)

Courtesy of TheQueenjewel

This is Don Jon after all, so realistic sex is not an option.  However, this scene is especially ridiculous.  Don Jon (Gordon-Levitt) is in an apartment building hallway with Barbra (Johansson), being a little naughty.  Barbra is talking dirty and they are dry humping, and then Don cums.  Yup.  Right in the middle of the hallway.  All clothes on.  I don’t know what kind of apartment they are in, but I wish I lived in such a place.
Then, Barbra leaves!  I guess that was enough for her.  It's not for me, but to each her own.

Unfaithful with Diane Lane & Olivier Martinez (2002)

Courtesy of ATIF ARSLAN

This wild, uninhibited sex scene takes place in a bathroom stall.  I mean, I understand lust and passion, but this orgasmic quickie is just too perfect.  The two never get caught and apparently, Connie (Diane Lane) is perpetually super aroused, because she didn’t even need foreplay.
Also, who can hold a person up that high for sex that intense?  It’s like balancing a stack of wavering dinner plates.  It doesn't even seem possible when they first get busy!  Her partner, Paul (Martinez) must have a lot of target practice, because he just goes for it and gets it in first try.

The Notebook with Ryan Gosling & Rachel McAdams (2004)

Courtesy of ahamed hanioui

No blog about unrealistic sex scenes would be complete without mention of this little gem.  This scene is under quite a few movie magic spells.  Not only are Noah (Gosling) and Allie (McAdams) able to seamlessly climax at the same time (which is a difficult skill to master), but it is quite possibly one of the longest orgasms ever - or so I think.  Allie starts her orgasm almost immediately (which I deduced from the fact that she has a resting orgasm face) and it only seems to end when a sleepy yet satisfied smile creeps across her face.  It may be Ryan Gosling, but it’s going to take a bit more than that to blow my mind.  Penetration does not automatically translate to orgasmic pleasure!  Now you know.

Crank with Jason Statham & Amy Smart (2006)

Courtesy of jask

Chev Chelios (Statham) has a bad run with some Chinese Gangsters and is injected with a poison that will slow his heart and eventually kill him unless he can keep his adrenaline up!  While he pursues his enemies, he gets into all kinds of trouble – especially when he takes his girlfriend in the middle of China Town.  His lady, Eve (Smart) turns down her dying boyfriend when he suggests a public display, and a crowd develops.  After repeatedly saying “NO”, Eve throws her arms over her head and says, “Take me!” and the crowd goes wild.  Who knew it was so easy to get away with having sex on a busy street in broad daylight?  Also, it looks like Eve is another one of those mystical, made-up creatures that can go from totally turned off to instant “hot to trot” without any foreplay.

Swept Away with Adriano Giannini & Madonna (2002)

Courtesy of Kurt Sorensen

I have a hard enough time walking on the beach, so having sex would be… impossible.  Also, no thank you!  I have a couple of crevices I don’t need sand and mud and salt water and miscellaneous beach debris in, and rolling around in the waves will not only ensure a very difficult sexual encounter, but also some kind of infection.  I would be spitting out water and toppling over and complaining about the sand too much to enjoy the sex.  This is the LAST way I would ever want to “bring the beach home” with me.  I’ll be in the beach house in front of the air conditioner eating an ice cream sandwich if anyone needs me.

Showgirls with Elizabeth Berkley & Kyle MacLachlan (1995)

Courtesy of Daisy Roberts

I hate to break it to everyone, but this is NOT how you even do sex.  How is she giving him oral without floating to the surface?  People are kind of buoyant.  But if that was the only discrepancy, I would let this scene go unnoticed.  Unfortunately, it’s not the only discrepancy, and I have a bigger problem with orgasmic sex looking like a botched exorcism.  It looks like it hurts!  You don’t immediately start thrashing your spine about in undetermined directions during orgasms!  And you certainly don’t drown yourself!  I seriously had to walk away from the computer for a minute because this scene makes me laugh so much.

Mass Effect with Shepard & Kaiden (2007)

Courtesy of SnipedByAGir1

Okay, so this is a video game, not a movie, but it still makes me laugh.  Mass Effect is one of my favorite video games, but I never actually saw this scene until now because at this point in the game, Shepard (the main character) is about to save the galaxy and she hasn’t the time for fraternizing with whiny crew members (Kaiden).  I laughed out loud when I watched it the first time.  Things seem tame at first while they consider breaking the rules and having sex.  They kiss and it’s totally going down, and then all of a sudden, SHEPARD’S BUTT!  I really didn't expect it.  You never see ANYTHING like that in the game.  You never even see her out of her uniform!  But then, like magic, these two polygonal buttcheeks appear and she climbs over Kaiden.  What, did she stop the hot make-out so they could get undressed on separate sides of the room?  This is a sex scene unbefitting of an intergalactic hero.

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Date 2/3/2016
Showgirls!!! Love it!!!
Date 2/3/2016
The Matrix Reloaded huge rave scene
Date 2/3/2016
Thhe Titanic scene is romantic but the car is too steeamy! Lol they must be baking in there and the hand looks like its out of a horror movie
Date 2/3/2016
- - ever see the room? lol bad movie in general but very funny
Date 2/3/2016
Sammy Z
Game sex scenes are HILARIOUS!!!

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