| by
Mikayla
 Let
me ask you an honest question….now remember, be honest:
how many nights a week do you feel “in the mood”
for sex? One? Two? Maybe once every two weeks? Less than once
a month? Do you have issues orgasming easily or at all? How
about arousal – is it difficult to become aroused? Does
your partner wonder why you are uninterested? If you are one
of those women who just doesn’t feel very interested
in sex- or has issues with orgasm or arousal - then this article
is just for you!
Every woman (heck, every person) goes through at least one
period in their life when they are not that into sex. Usually,
this is a temporary situation and their libido comes back
in a short time. However, for some women a lackluster libido
can signal that something is wrong – medically or mentally
– and this can put a severe strain on a relationship,
not to mention cause some women great concern!
Perhaps you are a woman who always had a high or normal sex
drive and now it is diminished or gone all together. Or, you
have never had a high sex drive and quite frankly, you could
take it or leave it. Even worse, you can’t orgasm and
always could before! Whatever the case, this article will
address some of the main reasons why a woman’s sexual
desire goes kaput and what – if anything – can
be done to correct the problem!
BABY BLUES
It should come as no surprise that having a baby can be the
number one “temporary” killer of a woman’s
sex drive. Why? Well, let us begin with the hormonal drop.
When you are pregnant, your hormones are raging – literally
– and you might actually be MORE sexual. However, after
pregnancy, your body goes through a dramatic and quick drop
in hormones. As soon as delivery, your body looses the pregnancy
hormones and has to re-regulate its natural hormonal balance.
This can take weeks, months or even up to a year to get under
control. While these hormones are stabilizing, the hormones
that control the sex drive are also in-flux – and as
a result, loss of libido results. Most often, this hormonal
pandemonium is only temporary, and most women find that they
feel more sexual in 2-6 months. Be patient – and if
you do not notice a recharge of your libido, speak to your
OBGYN.
Along with the hormonal imbalance comes the evident fact that
YOU HAVE A NEWBORN BABY! Yes, this means sleepless nights,
days without showers (yes, sometimes we forget to shower),
frustration and just adjustment. Having a newborn is not always
conducive to feeling sexy – especially if you are breastfeeding
and can’t even THINK about being naked without a bra
and nursing pads! Ewwwieee…leaking breast milk, now
THAT is sexy! The fact is, many women have issues with the
dual role of sex goddess and mommy! Finding a way to consolidate
your “roles” and allowing yourself the time to
be sexual (with a partner or alone) is something that is instrumental
in your “recovery” from childbirth. You have to
be able to communicate your feelings to your partner –
ask for help if you feel overwhelmed – and to take the
time you need to adjust. Some women feel like jumping back
into the saddle as soon as their OB gives them the “go”
at the 6-week appointment, while still others like to take
more time. The fact is, if your newborn is no longer so new
and is walking around the house and you STILL are not feeling
sexual – you may want to talk to your OBGYN or evaluate
if it is having a new child that is turning off your libido,
or something else.
Finally, there is one obvious connection between libido and
childbirth – your BODY. Besides the hormonal shift,
there is also a healing period to consider. Whether you have
had natural childbirth or a C-Section, birth is traumatic
and painful in many cases. When you think about how you got
pregnant……and then about the birth process….your
brain does one of these “Never AGAIN!” moments.
While it is mostly true that once you hold your baby you “forget”
about the pain – it is still ingrained in your innermost
memory center, and for many women this can be a big libido
killer! No sex = no pregnancy = no childbirth! If you think
that you are being adversely affected in this way, it helps
to discuss these feelings with your partner. Let him know
that you are scared or apprehensive about becoming pregnant
again. Try to relax and separate your feelings of love (or
lust) for your partner from your child. Think about pleasure,
relaxation and stress relief and try to associate that with
sex – not a baby. Many times this is a short-lived experience
– so give it some time.
HOT FLASHES AND NIGHT SWEATS
On the opposite end of child bearing comes MENOPAUSE! Menopause
(and perimenopause) are the times in a woman’s life
when she once again goes through a traumatic shift in hormones.
The body is preparing to change once again. During this time,
a woman’s body stops producing the female hormones –
estrogen and progesterone – her ovaries quit producing
eggs and her period stops. While, for many women, the lack
of a monthly period is gratifying (40+ years is quite enough,
thank you!) – this joy comes with a price. Women going
through menopause have a plethora of symptoms – from
night sweats, hot-flashes, headaches, weight gain, mood swings,
urinary tract infections, insomnia to, yes, – lack of
libido.
This is the second irony when it comes to a woman and her
hormones as she can finally have sex without worrying about
pregnancy - the first being SHE peaks in her 30’s and
40’s and MEN peak at 18-25. So here, a woman is freed
of her monthly menstrual meditations and no longer has to
worry about birth control and here she has NO interest in
sex!
During menopause a woman’s hormones are not the only
things changing. Her body (specifically her vagina) may go
through some odd and uncomfortable changes. As Estrogen leaves
her body – so does her ability to lubricate easily.
For many women, this means a dry, tight, uncomfortable vagina
that is prone to infections and makes for very sore sex! While
artificial lubrication can help TREMENDOUSLY, many women find
that this does not help – and sex is still painful.
There are also countless women who have encountered loss of
sex drive after having hysterectomies. This is one of the
top side affects of this surgery because as the woman looses
her “woman parts” – the parts that produce
the female hormones – she goes through a dramatic and
traumatic shift in hormones. Most doctors begin hysterectomy
patients on hormone replacement therapy right away, but this
is oftentimes unsuccessful. If you have had a hysterectomy,
speak to your doctor about products and medications that may
assist you in regaining your sex drive!
There are new products just being introduced on the market
that can help with this specific issue. The Esring© is
one product that is getting a lot of fantastic reviews. This
internal ring is placed in the vagina, up to the cervix, and
releases a constant flow of low-dose estrogen. This helps
with the hormones and the lubrication of the vagina. It has
to be replaced every 3 months, but for some women, having
that constant hormonal boost is most helpful.
Alternatively, there are Estrogen creams (Premarin© is
a popular one) that can be applied intra-vaginally about 3
times a week to help with the hormones and dryness. While
some women find this effective, others do not, so you may
want or need to experiment with your options.
Finally, there is a vaginal pill that can be placed into the
vagina, which then melts and is absorbed. A popular brand
is Vagifem© and like the other options, it gets rave
reviews from some women, and others are unsatisfied. Again,
if this is plaguing you and reducing your libido, talk to
your OBGYN and see what he or she recommends for you.
Many women also try Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) for
help with ALL the symptoms of menopause. Many times, these
therapies have Estrogen and Progesterone in the oral pill,
and this can help tremendously with libido and vaginal dryness.
If you have not discussed HRT with your doctor, consider it
as a way to “ease” your pain!
MEDICINAL MAYHEM
One of the simplest explanations for loss of libido (in men
AND women) is a reaction or side affect to a medicine. Particularly,
anti-depressants, blood pressure pills and birth control pills.
Yes, birth control pills can kill or affect sex drive (another
irony huh?) If you are on a new medicine and notice a decrease
in sexual desire – or – if you know that your
medicine does affect libido, talk to your doctor. Many times
there is another option to replace that medicine that has
less of a libido affect.
If you can not replace that medicine with another, look into
a libido increasing options. Recently, there has been a lot
of discussion about a woman’s “Viagra” that
is to be hitting the market. While I have yet to read that
there is a safe, oral pill that works the same way as Viagra
does, there are other options. Particularly, vaginal / clitoral
creams. While these creams do not “internally”
increase libido, what they do is help with sexual response
so that sex is enjoyable. By increasing blood flow to the
clitoris, creams like Viva Clitoral Cream or Pleasure Gels
(available at TooTimid) simply bring the clitoris to an aroused
state.
There are also prescription strength creams available that
do the same thing. For example, L-arginine Amino Acid Cream©
is a popular brand that has been shown to increase arousal
and lubrication. While I have personally tried and enjoyed
the effects of Viva Cream, I have not tried any others. For
women who have issues that can not be helped by changing medications
or other changes, this may be a viable option. Oftentimes,
even if there is a lack of libido, there can be and increase
in desire if sex is enjoyable and comfortable. Clitoral creams
offer many women that option.
PHYSICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL POSSIBILITIES
One of the less rare and less talked about reasons for lacking
libido is sexual dysfunction. Sexual dysfunction in men is
talked about and addressed far more than in women. In fact,
it is estimated that 43% of women suffer from sexual dysfunction,
while only 31% of men do. So, why is this not addressed as
vehemently as it is for men? Women do not talk about their
sexual dysfunction as openly or honestly as men do –
and men are not always willing either. Admitting that you
are having difficulties with sex is not something that either
gender wants to publicize. For this reason, the numbers regarding
sexual dysfunction in both sexes are probably underemphasized.
Also, while male sexual dysfunction is more often a result
of a medical or physical problem, a woman’s sexual dysfunction
seems to be more psychological than physical. Women tie sex
to emotional attachment – and if she is not feeling
emotionally attached or fulfilled, she can “turn off”
her own sexual arousal and libido. This is not to suggest
that there are no physical reasons for a woman’s libido
loss – as previously discussed, there are. However,
it is more likely a psychological block than a physical one.
Some major physical reasons for libido loss in women are:
Heart Disease, Cancer, Diabetes, Thyroid Disorders, Lupus
and a whole host of Neurological disorders. Another irony
when it comes to women and sexual dysfunction is that sex
is proven to HELP physical strength, elevate and equalize
mood, and generally make people happy – all the things
one would need if he or she was dealing with a serious disorder
or disease – such as Cancer. However, the medications
to treat these disorders – as well as the disorder itself
– kill libido in most cases – thereby robbing
the person of their sexual happiness and causing depression
for dual reasons. Once again, if you are dealing with any
of the above and are noticing a lack in libido – talk
to you doctor – she or he may be able to help you regain
that part of your life.
SAGGING BOOBS AND TUMMY TUCKS…
While it is true for most women that sex drive INCREASES with
age, there are some women who see a noticeable decline in
libido – especially if they have undergone a physical
change later in life – such as obesity. As a woman’s
body changes, her breasts sag, she retains more weight and
she generally goes through a metamorphosis that comes with
age she may feel mentally unsexy – and therefore act
like she is unsexy and feel thusly the same. Once again, a
psychological condition that can manifest itself physically.
Admittedly,
it is hard to feel like having sex when you think that your
body is no longer YOUR own. This is a problem that women have
at all different times in their lives. The most important
thing to remember is that EVERY WOMAN IS SEXY in her own way
and that if you feel sexy on the INSIDE you will present that
persona to your partner and thusly, he will also find you
sexy. This is a much harder dilemma to fix – as we women
are not good at giving ourselves praise and lifting ourselves
up – but it is instrumental if we want to remain sexual
beings and get the most out of our lives! Basically, life
is too short to worry about physical changes – we need
to be healthy and happy and live our life to the fullest….PERIOD!
SURVIVING
SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION
If you have read this article and have found some truth in
what I have wrote – I implore you; do not take this
situation without being proactive! Many doctors will tell
you that “well, those are the side affects” –
in short, “sorry your libido is gone; there is nothing
I can do.” This is a bunch of BS – there are other
options for certain drugs that do not have the same side affects,
there are creams and products that may greatly help with sexual
response, and there are psychologists available to counsel
you about your feelings and depression regarding your dysfunction.
The main point is: this does not have to be the end of sex
for you! Keep asking and talking and finding answers. Be willing
and able to tell your doctor what is going on and what you
want to try.
Sexual
satisfaction is something that every person is entitled to.
Be cognizant of your resources and be prepared to experiment.
Make sure that you discuss all options with your OBGYN or
doctor - this is important to getting the right help. Remember,
this is not the end of sex for you – find the answers!
I sincerely hope that this article is a small stepping stone
to reclaiming your sexuality!
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