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Mikayla
 Ahhh
marriage! The thing dreams are made of. Statistically speaking,
90% of ALL heterosexual women want to get married. It is the
reason we put up with bad date after bad date – effectively
“trying on” man after man looking for “The
ONE!” Conversely, only 75% of heterosexual men want
to get married – at least when they are in their 30s
– the number climbs a bit after 40. The marrying man
also looks for his perfect bride – the perfect mix of
intelligence, nurturing nature and bedroom whore.
While we are single, looking for that perfect mate (or at
least the perfect date) having single sex, and trying new
experiences with new people, most of us greatly enjoy our
romantic trysts and look upon everything as a fond memory
or learning experience.
Then, when we get married the sex seems to change –
get “redundant” or boring – children or
careers take precedence over lovemaking and we seem to fall
into a rut of “marital duties” first and sexual
duties last. For many married couples, the sex falters even
dies and the memories of singledom are what keeps us going.
Are these accurate pictures of Single Sex versus Married Sex?
For way too many married couples, this is exactly what happens
and worse. Some couples, however, vow not only to love one
another in sickness and in health but ALSO to have sex with
each other in the beginning, middle and end – till death
do them part. Sex is looked at as a part of the marriage to
work on, revive, relive and rekindle if necessary. To these
couples, sex is something to be celebrated, not ignored.
This all begs the question: Does the phrase “I Do”
really mean, “I no longer want to?” for many couples?
Saturday Night Sex Fest versus the
Saturday Night Quickie
The unfortunate truth is that for too many couples marriage
marks the end of the “Saturday night, I can’t
wait to get you into bed, you make me so wet, let’s
do it 4 times” sex fest that many single or dating couples
have. Instead, it seems to move to the “Saturday night,
once for this month, fit it in between dishes and laundry”
quickie.
Does sex HAVE to die after marriage? OF COURSE NOT! Marital
sex can be THE most satisfying and emotionally fulfilling
sex of a person’s life. It can be as hot, if not hotter,
than any sexual experience had during singledom. It can be
– SPECTACULAR!
So, if this is true, then why do so many of my married friends
LONG for their single-sex days? I have had lunch after lunch
and dinner after dinner listening to my friends complain about
their husbands and reminisce about the one night stand they
had with a bartender than involved anal sex and a bong!
Myth One: Single Sex is HOTTER
Most of my girlfriends emphatically claim that the sex they
had when they were single (including, by the way, the sex
they had with their husband to be) was WAY HOTTER than any
sex that they have had since they said those 2 magical words.
Why do they think this? What is the difference between having
sex (with the same person even) before and after the walk
down the aisle?
After extensive research and many glasses of sangria, I finally
have the answer: When you are having single sex you are putting
your best (*insert body part here) forward. You are showing
them what you can do, how hot you are, how confident, how
open to new things and how sexy. The sex is URGENT, NEEDY,
INSTANTANEOUSLY GRATIFYING!
Conversely, after marriage, sex becomes EXPECTED, a DUTY,
BORING and one or both of you fails to put forth the effort
to prove your “sexiness” because your spouse is
presumed to know all about your confidence, hotness and openness.
Also, that confidence is replaced by: will he/she want to
sleep with me the rest of their life? (or) Does he notice
my stretch marks after the baby or my sagging boobs? (or)
Does she notice that it takes me longer to get an erection?
(or) I have gained 50 pounds, am I still sexy?
The internal question game we ALL play with ourselves at one
point or another is the biggest killer of our after-marriage
libido. We are no longer the carefree “hot” person
who would do anything, anywhere, anytime to prove it. Now,
we go to sleep in sweats with cold cream on our face discouraging
any kind of sexual activity.
So, in essence – we no longer put forth the same basic
effort at appealing to our spouse in the ways that we tried
to appeal to the single prospects during our dating years.
So, why is this a myth? Obviously, this does NOT have to be
the case in a marriage – EVER! We consciously make the
choices to become less active in our own sexual gratification.
We become comfortable with our spouse and feel that we can
relax as far as the “show” goes. While I agree
that comfort levels definitely change after matrimony, this
new comfort level SHOULD make sex BETTER – not worse!
Being comfortable with a partner is the easiest way to let
down your sexual guard and try new things that you wouldn’t
have before. To be comfortable with your partner (even outside
of wedlock) means you can explore new things, let down the
inhibition veil that keeps you from, let’s say, talking
dirty in bed! This comfort level should make sex something
above and beyond what you had as a single person.
So, why do some many couples find that it is the opposite?
Well, according to my survey of girlfriends, when they got
married they felt like they could stop “trying”
so hard. They expected (unreasonably) that their spouse would
initiate sex and they no longer had to. They felt their new
role as “mother” superseded the role of hot wife
– or even lover. Or, even worse, they felt like the
man said “I love you” so they could just be “themselves”
but not the utterly fabulous and sexy self – the “normal”
self – aka the sweat pants wearer.
Sex in the marital bed does not have to be all cotton sheets
and dark, unlighted encounters. No, marital sex can be silk
sheets, romantic candles and bondage ropes! Marital sex CAN
and SHOULD be just as hot – if not hotter – than
your single sex!
Myth 2: He bought the cow…
OK, honestly, whose mother has not said, “If you give
away the milk for free, he will never buy the cow” –
or a similar analogy. This thinking brings into our consciousness
the mere possibility that now that he has “bought the
cow” and hence, “gets the milk for free”
that we can just sit in the stall and let him milk us! I know,
horrible pun, but you have to admit, it works!
Before we were married, we dressed up our cow. Wore the shortest
skirts, attractive make-up, perhaps even high heels. After
marriage, well, many of us really slack on our appearance
– because, he has “bought the cow” and knows
what he was getting.
The truth is, does he really know or expect the cow to change
after he buys it? Really? If you slept with him (or her) before
marriage – and the sex was HOT – why should either
of you expect that to change after marriage? He sees the whole
cow picture – the inner you and the outer you. He knows
how your milk tastes and how good it is to be with you (OK,
no more cow analogies!) In essence, he does and should know
all about you – good and bad – with make-up and
without. If he presumes to love you and marry you (and you
him) then neither of you should expect an immediate or gradual
change in sex.
Am I at all suggesting that there should be NO change? Absolutely
not. Couples (married or not) go through stages of up sex
and down sex. Weight is gained, hair recedes, boobs sag –
children come and go. This is life. However, when we are talking
about the effort of maintaining a healthy sex life –
we can not necessarily assume that because we are married
that no effort is required. We need to remember that there
are “more cows” in the pasture who might not look
at our farmer the way we do.
Does this mean I advocate cheating? No, No, No! Please do
not send angry emails. What this means is that not all women
or men look at married sex as a down slope into nothingness
– some look at it as the best chance for fantastic sex
of their life! It is these women and men who are the envy
of their “cowlike” counterparts.
Myth 3: Mommies DON’T have sex
Oh cut the crap! I have 2 friends in particular (and a sister
in law) who feel like once they passed a baby through their
vagina that it was forever changed and no longer felt sexual.
BULL ….you are using that as an excuse – I know
it and you know it too. While I know firsthand that babies
change sex, life, love and marriage – it doesn’t
have to turn life into a vast land of baby toys and diaper
bags.
The greatest love a woman will ever have is her child –
it is inherent to her – natural. However, the greatest
gift she can give to that child is a happy marriage and good
example of love. This can NOT happen if there is bad sex….PERIOD!
When a couple is not having sex or is having unfulfilling
sex – the touching stops. The kissing stops. The phone
calls during the day stop. Saying “I love you”
is rare at best. Not having sex causes a rift in life –
and shows the child that his parents are not emotionally connected.
Conversely, when sex is good and fulfilling – the couple
touches, kisses, talks, communicates and LOVES one another
in a manner that is evident to every bystander – including
children. So, if you truly, truly want to be a good mommy
– have loving sex with your partner!
Solutions
So, clearly it should be evident that single sex does NOT
have to be the only hot sex a person has in their life. Married
sex can and should be as hot, if not hotter. So, how to you
keep the marital fires burning?
(1) Say “I Love You” every day to make that emotional
connection.
(2) Tell your partner what turns you on about them on a regular,
if not daily basis
(3) Be open to sex and new experiences – when either
of you wants to
(4) Don’t let children end your sex life
(5) Remember your dating days – go on “dates”
and act like single people
(6) Don’t restrict your sex to nighttime or weekends
– shake it up
(7) Do it ALL over the house – bathrooms, living rooms,
kitchens
(8) DO NOT FORGET FOREPLAY!!!
(9) Introduce and discuss fantasies to keep things hot and
new
(10) Remember why you love this person – and show it
in a sexual way
These few – but major – suggestions can be the
beginning of a new and healthy MARITAL sex life! Simply reconnecting
with your spouse with the mindset of a single can be the best
thing you will ever do for yourself – and you marriage!
Stop reliving the single days – bask in the marriage
days – show the world that married people have hot sex
too!
****Disclaimer**** this article is meant to show
that sex does not die after marriage. This IN NO WAY discounts
the great sex that dating or single people have, nor does
it imply that you have to be MARRIED to have great sex! There
is enough great sex to go around to everyone!
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