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Mikayla
 This
is one of the many questions that I get on forum AND from
my many married friends: “Mikayla, how do you and your
hubby keep the love alive after kids?”
My
friends (and most readers of TooTimid) know that I have a
5-year old son whom I adore more than life. They also know
that I have a pretty wonderful sex life even amidst life with
a demanding child. So, how do I balance being “Mommy”
and “Sex Goddess?” Well, if you have kids and
want to know how to keep the lovin’ alive and kicking
in your relationship – read on and hopefully some of
the things I have learned throughout the years will help you
to get your love life back on track!
Newborns:
Tired, Crabby and NOT in the mood for Love
Even people without children understand that a newborn is
EXTREMELY demanding emotionally and physically on both the
mother and the father. Getting up numerous times during the
night to feed, the constant diaper changes and crying, worrying
about the little one in the next room, or at the foot of your
bed. The emotional change that happens when a couple has a
child affects not only the mother, but the father too!
For
mothers, there is a healing process that occurs after childbirth.
We are tired, crampy, bleeding all the time, and are just,
plain exhausted. Our bodies have rebelled against us, and
we feel fat and undesirable. We have a recommended 6-week
hiatus from worrying about sex – and honestly, during
the first 3 weeks; I doubt many women WANT sex. However, after
that time, we start wondering how we are going to resume sex
with our current situation.
For
fathers, there is an emotional healing process. He has most
likely watched the miracle of birth (and wondered how her
vagina will EVER be the same again)! He might have seen a
C-Section, which most likely caused him anxiety and fear.
When the baby and partner come home, she is no longer just
his “lover” or “wife” but now also
MOMMY! This can be a hard adjustment for some men to make.
Oftentimes, there is also added financial pressure, time restraints
with the demands of a child and a failure to understand exactly
how hard it is to have a newborn. Then, when a man feels like
he wants sex again, asking or confronting her can be EXTREMELY
hard for him to do, and he may wait until she approaches him.
So,
how do new parents deal with this stress and still have a
love life? Well, for me and my hubby, we simply learned to
do other things until we could medically have sex again. We
kissed and cuddled, I gave him blowjobs to keep him happy,
and he gave me massages which at that time were better than
sex (yes, I said it!) Basically, we slowly adjusted to having
a child but also stayed emotionally connected. This was important
for me, and for him, to still connect as a couple and not
just as parents.
Then,
when it was OK for me to resume sexual activities, we kept
it easy and simple. I was tired much of the time, but knew
that I wanted to reconnect on that level. My hubby was very
understanding about going slow, he gave me ample time to warm
up, and he was gentle and caring. I made time for sex. By
the 6 week mark, my son had a sleeping schedule. We knew we
had 4 good hours after 10:00 pm – so we made time then.
Sometimes sex was preceded by a nice, warm bath for me, then
a slow massage, foreplay and SEX! It was fulfilling for both
of us, and it was a nice stress reliever after a day with
a newborn.
Many of my friends found that it was too hard to get over
the feeling of being tired and emotionally drained to concentrate
on sex. They found themselves delaying sex, and their partners
became frustrated and even angry. The longer they waited,
the harder it became to get back into the swing of things.
When it finally did happen (up to 6 months later!) it seemed
awkward and rushed. This is what I want every new parent to
avoid! Just because you have given birth does not mean you
have to disconnect emotionally and sexually from your lover!
The
most important thing to remember during this early period
is to still show love for your partner and yourself. It may
take time for your body to return to its pre-preggo state
– and it might never be the same – but you have
to love yourself as well as your accomplishment for having
a child. IF you feel confident and sexy – your man will
see that and be just as attracted to you (if not more) than
he was before the baby came! Let him know that you still see
HIM in the same way too – he could have some issues
after baby. Show emotional support for one another and soon
sex will become as hot as ever!
I
can SEE you….
After the newborn stage there is a middle stage from about
6 months to 2 years where your child is growing and developing
and watching EVERYTHING you do! Let me assure you, your child
has NO idea what sex is (or what the specific body parts are)
up until approximately 2-3 years old! They can discern when
you and your partner are being caring and loving with one
another, but if your little one crawls into your bedroom one
night and catches you “in the act” – do
NOT worry – he or she has NO idea what you are doing!
This
is one of the biggest obstacles for new parents – how
to be flirtatious and intimate with a smaller child roaming
around. So, what do you do about it? Nothing! You can still
hug, kiss and grab your partner’s ass without your child
picking up on it and doing it at daycare. Younger children
are not cognitively able to discern a sex act. After about
2 ½, (or when they begin to notice differences in anatomy),
is when the open sexual contact should be limited.
Now,
am I advocating having full on sex in front of your 2 year
old? NO, OF COURSE NOT! I am simply saying that if you are
worried about your little crawler seeing you in the act, stop
worrying and just have sex! If you feel safe enough –
lock your doors – but if you find yourself in a situation
where you have to cohabitate with your little one (vacations
or small apartments) do not concern yourself with what your
little one may wake up and see. Be as careful as you feel
you need to be, but remember that they will not be damaged
by watching you and your lover doing the horizontal mambo.
MOM…Can
I sleep in YOUR bed tonight?
Ah yes, the toddler stage of child rearing years! When your
little one is no longer so little and likes to frequent your
room in the middle of the night, it is time to take some sexual
precautions. While no parent wants to lock their child out
of their room, or make them feel like they are being forbidden
to come to Mom or Dad for help at night, this is a good time
to start teaching your toddler about privacy and boundaries.
Having
a place where you can retreat away from your kids is not a
cruel thing to do; it is actually not only a necessity for
sanity, but also a great teaching tool! Your child should
learn that everyone – including himself – is entitled
to privacy. Learning to lock the bathroom door (or at least
shut it), have alone bath time, and even being allowed to
retreat to their room unencumbered is an important lesson
for your little ones.
So,
at night if you are in the mood for love – LOCK YOUR
DOOR! Every parent knows the desperate cries of a child who
“truly” needs them, as opposed to the whiny “I
do not want to go to sleep” cry that all kids do! Teach
your child to knock when they see your door closed, and to
wait until someone responds to try and open the door. If they
are having an emergency, you can stop what you are doing,
throw on a robe and go and attend to your child. No one is
suggesting that you ignore your child for the sake of sex!
Once
you have successfully locked your child out of your room and
realized that they are going to be just fine – it will
be more relaxing and enjoyable for you to connect with your
lover. I am also not suggesting this technique be used in
the middle of the day when your kids are small – reserve
those middle-day nookie times for when your kids are teens
or older!
WHAT
are you two DOING in THERE??
There will come the day when your little one is old enough
to KNOW or SUSPECT what you are doing in the locked bedroom
or bathroom. This can happen as early as 8 – and is
a source of embarrassment for many parents. The important
thing to remember when this stage comes is, even though you
might not relish the fact that your child thinks you are having
sex, it is good for them to know that their parents are having
a healthy, happy and fun sex life! You might not see it now,
but it is true.
My
parents used to have a ‘Sunday’ arrangement where
they would “nap” for about 2 hours. I was about
9 when I realized what they were actually doing in there,
and they were NOT napping! While in my younger years I thought
that was totally gross, in my older years I realize that they
were in love (and still are) and needed that time away from
us to connect and have sex! Now I remember those days fondly,
but I sure didn’t think of it that way at the time!
A
healthy relationship helps a child build a foundation for
THEIR future relationships, and having a somewhat open and
accepting view of sexuality is very important to teach them.
Every parent handles this different – and decided WHEN
to have THE TALK with their kids. The fact is, at one time
or another; you MUST talk to your kids about sex. There is
way too much information that they need, as well as safety
tips they need to know. So be honest and open and do not hide
your sexuality and love for your partner.
Hey
Mom, what is that NOISE?
Ah yes, the question every toy owning person or couple fears
that their child will ask. Your answer, of course, depends
on the age of the child. If they are small, there is no explanation
necessary. If they are older (teens) it is up to you if you
want to tell them about your battery operated fun toys! Many
couples would LOVE to have sex toys, but are afraid that their
children will hear them or worse yet, FIND THEM!
Children
are not the end of sexual fun, people! I have a curious 5
year old who did eventually find my stash of toys and it sure
didn’t stop me from getting more. I was a little late
in hiding my treasures, but the experience did get me on the
hunt for a storage solution. Unlike most people, I have A
LOT of sex toys – over 200 now. I had to sort and decide
what items would be stored and what items I would keep closer
by. With so many favorites, it was hard to decide.
What
I ended up doing was getting a small lock-box to keep in my
nightstand. In this box I keep my lubes (more for fear of
my son eating one), my smaller toys and my oral sex lubes.
This is for ease in finding, so I can monitor expiration dates,
and so that I have easy options right by my bed. In my lower
drawer I keep the toys that look like (or are) massagers.
I feel that those are pretty innocuous and do not cause much
suspect with my 5-year old. The remainder of my “favorites”
are placed in two, under the bed, locking containers. I know
which toys are in which box, and I can easily reach and use
anything I want.
I
am living proof that you can have your kids and your sex toys
too! Of course, as your kids get older, they will become more
suspicious and just plain nosey. At this point I would definitely
consider boxes or trunks that seriously lock. Or, if your
child is old enough, explain the situation and what is in
the boxes. Your teenager would appreciate the honesty!
As
for hiding the sound of the toys….this is easy enough
– use music! Soft, romantic music played while you are
engaging in sex can mask the sound of the toys well. Place
the radio BY the door so little ears pressed to the door can
hear nothing but the music wafting softly from the boom box!
Also, if they do happen to hear the toys going – who
cares? If they are young, they will have NO idea what the
noise is. If they are older, oh well! They know Mom and Dad
have a lot of FUN!
OH
MY GOD – I just saw my parents NAKED….
I would wager a guess that almost every set of parents have
been caught “in the act.” For me it was when I
was 17. I came home early from Pom practice to find my parents
in the living room, on the couch and my Dad was between my
Mom’s legs! OH MAN! Talk about personal scarring! I
knew my parents had sex, but I didn’t NEED or WANT to
SEE IT!
I,
of course, ran screaming from the house and only returned
much, much later. My Mom and Dad did not mention the “incident”
and no one talked to me about it. Personally, I think that
they should have just said, “Sorry hon, it is our house
and we thought you were gone for the night!” Parents
should not have to make excuses for having sex in their own
houses when their children are presumed to be out. I know
now that my parents were keeping the sex fun and alive and
I am grateful for that lesson…now.
So
if you have been caught buck nekked and in the throws of passion,
please remember that it is YOUR right to have sex! Depending
on the age of your child (or children) take the appropriate
measures. DO NOT apologize for the act. Making sex seem natural
is important to a healthy sexual attitude for kids!
LIVE
AND LEARN…
In conclusion, child rearing is a continual lesson! We learn
things from our kids, and they learn from us every, single
day! Having a healthy sex life is a great life lesson for
your kids. When they are small, do not worry so much about
sex. Remaining sexual and intimate with your partner are ESSENTIAL
parts of a healthy relationship. Teaching your children about
PRIVACY is also an important lesson that you too must be prepared
to abide by as they get older.
Teaching
your children about sex and about sexuality is every parent’s
duty in life. When and how you teach this lesson is up to
you to decide, but I stress honesty over embarrassment, openness
over avoidance, and encouragement for sensuality (not necessarily
sexuality) over abstinence. Does this mean that I want you
to tell your children to have sex? NO! I believe that children
should look at sex as a normal, healthy and important part
of a COMMITTED relationship. After all, we are our children’s
first teachers – and we have to teach them all the lessons
of life!
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