by Mikayla

Big, fake, silicone-enhanced breasts, pierced navel, fake-baked tanned body, long, bleach-blonde hair with extensions, long, acrylic nails, thong sticking out of the back of too-tight jeans, tons of make-up, bright read lipstick, and a necklace made of gold that reads “sexy.” Is THIS what makes a woman sexy?

HELL NO! While this might be the porno perception of what constitutes sex appeal, most men truly are not this shallow. In an article from Cosmopolitan (every woman’s handbook, right?) men were asked what constitutes ‘sexy’ in their mind. While a toned and healthy body, pleasant features and a general sex appeal was included in the answers, more men chose ‘confidence’; ‘intelligence’; and ‘caring about their appearance’ over other options.

So, what does this say about Sexiness? Is it true that sexy is not an OUTWARD thing but instead in INWARD thing? Is Sexy in the mind and not in the butt, hips or breasts? Do men really want the smart girl with the OK looking face over the hot girl with the big boobs who is dumb as a rock? YES!

BRAINS OVER BEAUTY I asked a few of my male friends if it is true that men are changing their criteria for what is ‘sexy’ and the answer I received truly surprised me. My good friend Ryan summed it up quite well for me, “while the hot girl is great for those one-night stands and a few weeks of unadulterated fun, if you are thinking long-term, meet the parents, mother-of-my-children kind of woman I want to have a combo-punch of brains with beauty – and the beauty part is really secondary to other assets.” Other assets? What did this mean? Basically, if a woman is good looking, takes care of herself and her body (not super jock, or throw-up queen – just healthy), has confidence and can hold a conversation with the guy, has a sense of humor as well as common sense – she is a keeper.

However, is this still ‘sexy’ or are guys deciding to settle down with the ‘good girl’ over the super slut? Ryan says, “smart is sexy, and sexy is smart. There is nothing that says a girl can’t be super good looking AND have brains to boot. In my experience, girls who are drop-dead gorgeous, spend thousands on tanning and implants will never be content with ‘the average Joe’ cause they know they are hot and they want constant attention.”

Constant attention? What is the difference then between the self-assertive, confidant woman who is sexy, gets attention, but is not just a pretty face and the girl who looks good on the outside and gets attention because of it. Ryan says that those girls [the pretty, self assured ones] are rare, that is why they are such a catch. “Finding a woman who is self-assured, confident, good looking, and smart is really rare in my experience.” Really? I feel like I know a lot of girls who are just like that. He says, “You may think you know a bunch like that, but truly the combo of all the assets in one person is very rare and therefore VERY sexy.”

INSIDES OUT
I think that the key here is balance – a fine balance between self-asserted confidence and conceitedness. I believe we all know those girls who are so good looking that we all should feel privileged to be in the same room with them. They are not confident, but conceited. My friend Harrison confirms that confidence comes from the inside. He explains, “In law school I get the rare opportunity to meet a lot of different girls. Most are very smart, some are very cute, but only a handful are both. There are some girls that just get my blood boiling because they just have ‘it’ – that self confidence. When they stand up in class and talk about the rule of perpetuities looking so hot, I just melt.”

I think it is definitely a hard balance to find. I know that being confident is not easy, and being conceited can come a little too easily for some. So, how do we as women find that balance of being comfortable in our own skin, confident but not conceited? I think that answer is individualistic. We need to know that we are worth it, we have a right to be happy and go for what we desire, but at the same time, we are not entitled to everything just because we are a blonde with big boobs!

Being confidant means having that balance in check. We may not be a size 2, we may not have long hair or big breasts – but we have a brain, something to offer and we are worth whatever we determine is our self worth! If we can exude that from the inside and make it evident on the outside, then I think we have found that balance.

OUTSIDE APPEAL
I indicate in the beginning of this article that the poll suggests that men like women who “care about their appearance” and have “healthy bodies.” So, what does this mean to sexiness? Ryan suggests, “If you meet a woman, she is nice, smart, funny but is extremely overweight with not even an attempt to be healthful, that is a downer. She has all the makings of a perfect partner – but most men [including Ryan] do not find overly overweight to be sexy.”

Harrison chimes in, “I am attracted to all kinds of body types – I have even dated some women who are overweight. I look more for what is on the inside than the outside. However, I am an active guy. I bike, play sports, hike. So, if I marry a woman who is not able to join me in at least one activity, how is that going to play out? I have been with overweight girls who could play soccer like Beckham, and that rocked. These girls were still ‘healthy’ and that was what mattered.”

So is the assumption that outside LOOKS do not matter as much as inside appeal? Ryan says, “I am not gonna lie, I want a girl who is pretty. Not ‘model’ pretty, but good looking. For me, that might mean one thing, but for other guys it means something else. In my overall opinion of what ‘sexy’ is, a pretty face does figure into the mix. It is still a mix though.”

Harrrison disagrees, “I think that there are pretty girls, gorgeous girls, decent looking girls, and drop-dead gorgeous girls. There is the same range of looks in men. I have meant some very good looking girls who were NOT sexy in the least. Conversely, I have met some average looking girls who were VERY sexy. I am not sure that looks have anything to do with it. Ryan is just saying what he is attracted to, and to me, sexy is not something you can tell right away.”

This is an interesting opinion, and so different from Ryan’s. Sexy is not something you can tell right away. I would have thought that sexy was something a man could tell right off. Harrison explains, “If a woman and I go for coffee, and she is intelligent and holds her side of the conversation. Then, she makes a sexual insinuation or indicates something sexual in a tasteful way; I am now thinking she is sexy. Just like a look from a woman can make or break the sexy factor. For me, sexy can be more in the eyes than in the ass.”

THE EYES HAVE IT
Following along with what Harrison has said, I totally agree that a woman who can talk with her eyes is very sexy. I am not talking about the batting of long eyelashes per-se, but more of a look of confidence combined with a subtle shyness and a super smokiness that does it. I have seen these women at parties and such, and I have thought to myself, “that woman is sexy.” Every man in the joint notices her – and she is not always the prettiest face in the crowd either.

I think that saying that ‘the eyes are the window to the soul’ is true. I think if a woman (or a man, really) have a good soul, it will show in their eyes. Eye language is so expressive. You can convey any emotion through the eyes, and you definitely can convey sexiness as well. It is a hard act to perfect though – if done wrong you can look like an eager beaver and if done right, the men swoon.

Harrison agrees, “oh yeah, the sexy eyes. I have been in class, at a bar or coffee shop and locked eyes with a woman and just drooled on the inside. It is that direct look, that shy undertone combined with the suggestive nature of looking up and looking down that does it. I think all women should learn this art – it is necessary!”

I find this so interesting. I would have thought before doing this article and mini-research, that sexy would have been all those superficial things, combined with some semblance of personality. I am surprised that the perception of sexy is changing. Or, perhaps, it has always been such and women were misinformed all along!

Ryan informed me that sexy eyes are something that all women should do, along with a sexy body language. “When a woman walks into a room and stands there like she wants all the people to check her out, then she saunters (not walks, but sways) her way over to the bar or to her friends, everyone is watching her every move. There is a way to be sexy in body language. Some mild hair flips are good, lip licking, a running of her hand down her side. If a woman stands there looking frumpy and uncomfortable, that is not sexy – with our without the sexy eyes!”

LEARNING CURVES
So what have I learned about sexiness? I learned that fake is just that – fake. I learned that men really do what a chick with brains. Conceited is bad, confidence is good. Pretty faces do matter – but not as much as other aspects. Be healthy and care about your body and your overall health – but you do not have to be bulimic to do it. Be expressive in language – body and verbal – and utilize your eyes to convey what you want. Own the room, but do not assume the ROOM owes YOU. Be commanding in your appearance, but do not overdo it. Simple is best, natural is better.

While I know these are just a few opinions, I would love to hear what you find sexy. Do you think that big breasts, a slammin’ body, and an extremely pretty face trumps the nice girl, with a good sense of humor and intelligence to boot? I would love to hear your opinion, so log on to the discussion forum and let me know what you really find Sexy!!!!