Sexual Disconnection
Posted by Mikayla at 10:37 AM. Filed under: Marital Bliss • Spice it Up •
A while ago on forum a topic was started regarding the disconnection of couples. How and why does it happen, were the main questions. I have written a few articles on similar subjects, but not quite in this manner. I responded with a follow-up post, but decided to lengthen and improve my answer, so that more people may get some answers as to why their relationship is sexually disconnected. Hopefully, this article will reach those persons who do not visit the discussion forum – and perhaps help to at least begin the answering process.Why do some women refuse to give a blowjob? Or, why do some men demand blowjobs but refuse to engage in oral sex with their significant other? Or, why do couples go months even years without sex?? It seems as though these couples are in a massive sexual disconnect and do not know why. Does it happen overnight? Is it a gradual process? Do they KNOW they are disconnected? Do they care? Does talking make it better or worse? Why does this happen in many relationships and marriages?
Most couples begin their relationships or marriages giving a fair amount of effort toward the success of the relationship. They are sexually charged, hot and horny for the other, eager to please and BE pleased. This 'honeymoon' period can last for a few years, or a few months or, in rare cases, the entire relationship. What happens in a relationship to cause this eager-to-please attitude to end? Surely it is not a conscious decision to just stop having sex. For some couples, it could be children, stress, careers or school demands. Claiming exhaustion of loss of time as the 'reason' for the disconnect. Is this really valid? Is this a true reason or explanation for disconnecting from your partner? I submit that it isn't. I have a job (3, actually), I have 2 children under 7, I have responsibilities, money issues, housework - yet, I MAKE time to connect with my hubby on a sexual and intimate level. Is it easy? No, not always, but who said marriage would be easy? Sometimes this means a quickie - sometimes it means a marathon session - but it means that we stay connected with each other in this important manner.
Does this mean that we have ALWAYS had this kind of relationship? No, of course not. Every couple goes through issues, stagnant times, and disconnection. We did, for a few years. We were submerged in careers and a new child. We made excuses that we just didn't have time. We started becoming separate entities living in the same household. I didn't like being like this - it felt unnatural to me to be this disconnected. I decided that I had to change it. I talked to my hubby about 'sex dates' and making time to have fun in the bedroom. At first, it was hard, it took effort - but soon it was an expected and welcomed retreat from our lives. It is not something that either one of us is going to let fall by the wayside again - we are in it for the long haul and committed to our relationship - sexually and otherwise. It is something that remains on the top of my mind, and when I get tired from long, hot, summer days and really just want to go to sleep – I look at the man I love and think, ‘nope, we need this connection’ and in just a few minutes I am always glad that we have started sex or foreplay. My previous tiredness leaves, I feel happy and connected. It becomes a good time not a forced time.
Another important key to our sexual success is that we are not willing to let the other do all the work. I would never expect him to eat me out if I weren't willing to give him head. I would never lie there like a blow-up doll and not get emotionally and physically invested in our sex. I don't expect him to initiate sex all the time - nor do I expect to have the same 'type' of sex all the time. I believe (and it works for me) that keeping sex a constantly evolving entity is essential to making sex new and exciting. I mean, come on people, if you are with the same person over and over and can't change THEM, then what do you change? Location, positions, the 'format' of your sex - bring in toys, wear sexy lingerie, take showers together. NEVER make it a programmed event. Always be spontaneous and open to ideas and suggestions from your lover. Be able to indulge in their fantasies, and be willing to discuss your own. It is a fluid condition that you have to be prepared to move with. Does this mean you never have ‘regular sex?’ Well, of course you do, as opposed to NOT having sex at all. However, for us, success comes in the variety – and the variety comes from various places.
So then, what happens when you and your partner are on totally different sexual wavelengths? What if you have a super high sex drive but your partner does not? Let's face it; we all go through high and low times when it comes to sex drive. We can be influenced by any number of factors - age, medicines, hormonal imbalances, stress - and any or all of them can kill or numb our sex drives. How do we attack an issue of imbalance as opposed of lack of desire? We may want in our minds and hearts to have sex - but our bodies’ rebel against us and we end up not enjoying sex or having sex for sex's sake. This can never be good. The first step has got to be analyzing the reasons why our libido has left. Is it just lax attitude and laziness? Yes, I said it, laziness! Come on, you know there are those of you out there who are plain out too lazy to have sex. You have to shave, stay up later, put effort into it. You have to DO something, and you don’t want to. I can relate, I get it, but I could never say I was too lazy for sex. I would rather let the dishes go a night than give up our intimacy.
People (men and women) have to be willing to ask their doctors about reasons they may not have libido. There are options to regaining libido and sexual interest. If you CARE enough to go and find out. The basic premise here is that if you are in a relationship and care about that person - you should care about your intimate life. As in anything worth having in life, relationships take effort. I feel that when we decide (and it is a decision) to stop trying, that we have just given up on the other person - not the relationship. We are in essence saying "you are not worth the effort" which is a sad proposition. When do things in a relationship get so bad that we just give up? How can we live with another person in marriage or commitment and NOT be intimate with them? How do we expect them to react to our disconection? Should one person carry the burden of a relationship entirely on his or her shoulders? Of course not, marriage is hard enough with TWO people.
How many times have we heard the excuse, “she let herself go” or “he is just not sexy anymore” or even worse, “I am not attracted to him/her any longer?” This happens; we can fall out of lust with our partner. Well, what do you do about that? I suppose it depends on your view of marriage and commitment. My personal view is, if you married them, it is for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, for fatter for thinner, for with hair and without. You love THEM not so much their outer self. I know, unrealistic to think this way. It is true, if you married a size 6 woman and now are looking at a size 26 woman, there may be some lack of desire. You have to be honest – with yourself and your partner. Come on now, that woman KNOWS she is not the same size she was and not by 20 pounds extra either. While it might hurt, I believe in telling the person honestly what is going on with your libido and what they can do to help fix it.
My point here - when we commit to another person and decide to be intimate - it is our obligation to be open, honest and forthcoming with that person. We need to let them know when we are feeling disconnected and need more from them. Barring any serious reason for falling apart (emotional or physical abuse for example) couples need to work to stay together. Oh, and as a side note, withholding sex or alienating affection in general IS emotional abuse! If you have a partner who is doing this - what do you do?
This is a common problem - where one person in the relationship is constantly seeking answers to WHY: Why doesn't she want to have sex? Why won't he eat me out? Why do we go months before having sex? Why is he not interested in me anymore sexually? It is usually not both people seeking these answers. What is the solution? Conversation. Have an honest conversation with your partner and tell them what you NEED. Sure, you want sex - but let's be honest here, sex is a need in a relationship. It is a connection to another person that cannot be replaced or replicated by anything else. Sex is a necessary component to any healthy relationship.
So, what happens when you have HAD the conversation - many times - and he or she says "I will try" (and then doesn't) or "I can't figure out what is wrong" (and leaves it there) or "I am not interested in sex anymore" (and doesn't seem to be bothered by that). How can one person handle the burden of those answers? What does it mean when your mate says, "I just don't want sex," like that is supposed to be OK that sex is off the table? I do not understand these persons who accept these answers. Why settle or agree to a sexless relationship? Or, why commit yourself to a sexless relationship? Why is it OK to think of ourselves as being asexual for the remainder of our relationship? Truthfully, it isn't OK. It is NOT OK! It is not acceptable for any relationship.
We should not take this as the final say (neither partner should) there has to be ways to increase sexual desire and revamp sexual interest. Even couples who are having sex and it is not frequent enough or couples where one person is having sex but not enjoying it. There is a world of information and ideas floating out there. Websites, discussion forums, counselors, marriage classes, sex classes (yes, sex classes), medicinal options for men AND women. It is not a self-fulfilling prophesy to be sexless or have no interest in sex just because you THINK you are destined to. You CAN and SHOULD seek answers. You SHOULD know that you don't have to and shouldn't check the 'optional' box when it comes to sex. You are entitled to sexual fulfillment - and should ENJOY it. Truly, why do people accept sexual disconnection as the last word?
I could go on and on and on and never give a concrete answer. There really isn't ONE answer to this dilemma, It is really a collection of wants, desires, ability, willingness and need to fix it. It is not up to the partner who WANTS the change to fix it - but ultimately, up to the partner who is not interested in sex. It is a self-realization that has to happen. Similar to a smoker and non-smoker living together. One wants the other to quit - the other doesn't want to quit. It comes between them and becomes a tense subject of contention. Can the non-smoker MAKE the smoker quit? Will talking about it make the smoker want to quit or want to smoke MORE? It has to come from the smoker that he or she is ready and willing to at least TRY to quit. The same goes for sex. If one partner wants the other to have sex, and the other doesn't want to - how do we change the mindset of the one with the issue? Can you? Can any amount of talking remedy this?
I think that the key is to inform your partner that you NEED and WANT THEM to be happy. You want and need to pleasure them as much as you want and NEED to be pleasured yourself. It has to be presented in such a manner that both partners know that the other wants what is best and most-fulfilling for BOTH partners. Simply sating what YOU want is not going to cause a mind-shift in the other person. There has to be a realization of that person's unhappiness. There has to be acknowledgement that it is not OK to be that way. IF that person is not able or willing to see that for themselves, then change is never going to occur.
Self-enlightenment is not easy - and in many it is impossible. Knowing what truly lies in one's own heart is more difficult than knowing what lies in the heart of another. So, if there is any answer worth giving when it comes to this depressing and wide spread phenomenon, it is getting the other person to engage in self-evaluation and self-enlightment. If we can show the person we love that they are truly not content, not happy, not sexually fulfilled then perhaps there is the slightest chance that they may look to find answers on their own behalf. For at the end of the day the only person we are truly 'in bed with' is ourselves and our own revelations and thoughts.
*Please leave your own comments for us to read. We love hearing from our readers!
It’s kinda sad that nearly 60% percent that voted stated they were “sexually disconnected and they were frustrated”. Course I don’t know how many numbers are involved. I’m one of those that voted w/the 60% & I can see that I’m not alone. In my case, I’ve been very brutal about it, to the point of stating to her that she needs to go to the doctor and find if there’s anything physically wrong. She did & the doc asked if she felt if everything was “normal” to which my SO replied “yes”. It’s like a person w/an addiction. If there is denial of a problem, then there can be no help or progress.
My SO and I have been together for nearly fourteen years. I have a child from a prior relationship, and we have one together. We realized right away that we needed “together” time, away from the kids. We promised each other that we would spend at least one evening every two weeks (or more often if we could) spending time alone together. It didn’t matter what we were doing - having dinner out, going to a movie, a sex date in a secluded place, or just driving around talking - we were connecting. Our sex life has had rough spots, but when we spend time talking, those spots smooth out. We connect. It makes being physical with one another easier and more relaxed. I know of few other couples with as active and healthy a sex life as ours consider the time we’ve been together. And yes, we have dry spells where we don’t seem to be on the same sexual wavelength, or not at the same time. But sometimes, just holding each other can lead to intimacy and it doesn’t always have to be sexual. We understand the needs of the other because we talk about those needs.
I’m glad this subject came up. My husband feels that as he’s aging (55+), it’s just normal to lose his sex drive. I on the other hand, feel that age shouldn’t be a factor. Mine has not decreased that much and I am still an attractive and vibrant woman (54). We’ve talked about our needs and he feels that once or twice a month is fine for him… not me. I want sex at least once a week. I’ve explained to him that it’s just not having sex but the initimacy and closeness that comes with it also. He’s convinced that as a man ages, his sex drive diminishes. The thing is that once he’s in the saddle, he’s fine and we’re enjoying sex. It’s just getting him there that’s the issue. I think it may be more a mental condition than a physical one. We’ve just been together for 3 years with both being previously married. Is this a usual aging factor for men to feel this way?
Hi Northern Belle. No, I can assure you that this is not just part of the ‘aging factor.’ Sure, as we age things DO change, and perhaps there is a little less interest in sex - but why do we settle for that lack of interest? This is not consitent - in fact, most studies show that men have a steady or INCREASED interest in sex after 50 (specifically, because children are grown and the lack of chance for pregnancy due to menopause!) So, your hubby is not ‘normal’ in that regard. If this bothers you now, it will bother you next year and the next and the next. Talk to him - air it out!
I am 46 and was married for 20 years. My husband(51 yrs)also claimed to have no sex drive for the last 10 years of our marriage. We had an excellent relationship except for the lack of sex. Ultimately, no intimacy leads to lost love. Women need the emotional fullfillment that comes with sex, as well as, the connection to their own self worth. The “why’s” eat one up inside when the partner that claims to love you is not interested in you sexually. For years I tried to tell myself that age was the culprit, but now I realize that internet porn, beer, and a diminishing level of testosterone were the root cause. I eventually fell in love with another man and left him. In my current marriage we enjoy sex together at LEAST once a day. There is a gel called Androgel that men can apply to their arm which boosts testosterone, if they are beginning to experience an inability to maintain an erection. Ask your Doctor.
I also wanted to mention that sex twice a month turned into once every 3 months, to once every 6 months, once a year, and finally NONE for 8 years. I am a DD cup and 130 lbs and I felt bad about myelf and my body for years!
I just wanted to say that the article was a great one. I wish everyone could read this. Sex is one of God’s greatest gift to us and is extremely important to marriage. People need to wake up and realize this.
I have been in relationships where the sex was pretty good but substance beyond that was lacking in the relationship and where the sex sucked but all else was terrific - he was a soul mate. One is no better that the other.
In the first case, I was too in love to realize that there was a void because of the simple fact that I was knee deep in love with him as he was with me. We had emotional and physical connections but none intellectually. We didn’t want to give up so accomodations were made, we tolerated what lacked.
In the second case I met the first true love of my life - my soul mate. The sex sucked but everything else was ideal. I lost interest in having any intimacy with him. I could tell him in detail what felt good but he would still do, instead, as he liked to do to me. He thought that the idea of sex being enjoyable was that each partner be able to do as they please to the other and the other person enjoy iy because of the love shared between them. I don’t think a sex manual with graphic pictures would have helped - he never said anything to me - but I don’t think he was sexually experienced beyond one or two
previous women. Changing what lacks, when one is dissatisfied cannot be remedied without the knowledge of prior sexual experience. That I couldn’t change. I loved him none the less, like I have never loved anyone before, and I was still someone to think that the “right one” will come only once into your life and I didn’t want to be without that. Sexual pleasures might have lacked but in deciding it wasn’t my first priority I let it go. I still don’t regret that - I loved him no differently or any less, just made love less often.
Thanks Ladies.. Denise you hit the nail right on the head. I couldn’t ask for a better man. He “gets” me in all ways and he understands how I feel except that our sex drive is not equal. Mikayla, I don’t know your age but do I do appreciate your input and I do agree with what you said. We have talked about it, alot. We have not been together all our lives and it’s still an adjustment period. He is very sensitive to my needs and is aware that my sexual drive is much greater than his and it does bother him and he does take my feelings into consideration. But I sometimes feel that it’s forced just to please me. He has said he can’t understand why he feels like this.. he has a woman who is there just for him (and I would do anthing to please him) and he thanks his lucky stars that I am but there is something there. I am and have always been a very affectionate person, him..not so much. His family wasn’t like that and never talked about sex. So maybe he has some reservations.
Lucy, you also hit mark. I was married prior to a man who was basically a good man and we had great sex but nothing in common outside the bedroom. When I met my current hubby, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I have never had such a bond with anyone in all my life like I have with this man. And an erection is not the problem… it’s the getting there. He is pre-occupied with everyday stuff, such as business and trying to be successful and prosperous. He cares so much about giving me everything he thinks I want. But bottom line, I thank God every day that we came to be together and I truly do love him just the way he is. KT yes I also agree with you that God gave us a very precious gift.
I would like to hear from some men in the forum and their thoughts about the subject…
My husband & I have been married for only 1 year but we have been together for 5. The sex really sucks but up until now the relationship was fantastic! Unfortunately now, we both feel like we are room mates instead of husband & wife. We have drawn apart and I find myself having an affair with another married man. It’s been 8 months now & the sex is the best I have ever had, he says the same! It is HOT, it is sensual, it is sexy, it is rough, it is soft..it is everything you can imagine. Mr Affair & I both have “issues” in our marriage and we confide in each other almost like we’ve known each other for 100 years. We have become very close but have admitted that we will never leave our spouses. I am lost...I am starting to fall for him and I know it’s not right.....he’s admitted to me that he is as well, but...(sigh)
Dear BKS in FL,
Get out of that situation fast. Bringing a 3rd party into a relationship never helps fix the problem, only makes it worse. You and spouse need to confront each other to see what the issues are at home and determine if they can be worked out. Only then will you be able to either go on with your marriage or end it and then start a new relationship. You’re not being fair to yourself or the other parties involved. Everyone deserves happiness but not at the expense of others.
My husband and I are newlyweds; recently married after having been together for almost 7 years. For some reason we haven’t been having sex that much and I have been finding myself really concered about us being in a sexless marriage. This makes me feel sad and scared. We do it maybe only a couple times a month for the past...I don’t know how long! It could be that the baby talk causes stress (no kids yet but planning to start trying maybe next year). It could also be the fact that our bedroom isn’t that sexy feeling and sometimes my self confidence is low (I’m a bit overweight). The important thing I am focusing on, however, is that I want to have lots of sex with my husband and I know he feels the same. So, instead of just talking about what to do about it (which is what we have done lately), I am putting it into action! For example, I have purchased dark red sheets (sexy), I have started using a self tanner lotion that also leaves my skin smooth and a little sparkly all day and so I feel sexy and confident, I have started walking on the treadmill as often as I can (go endorphines!), and I have started shaving “down there” (very sexy). We also purchased some fun bedroom items like sex die with fun foreplay ideas on each side. I also came to the realization/epiphany that if I want to have lots of sex with my hubby then that means I need to make my (pardon me) pussy attractive or more desirable. Therefore the things I have already started to do are benefiting that cause. And you know what, we had a really great romp before he left for work and when he called on his break he said that he wanted to be with me again when he gets home! It’s working so far and I can only hope that we keep this up and not get lazy… marriage really does take work and so does our sex life but I am more that willing to put in the work so that we can be great, passionate lovers for all our years.
I have been married for 16 years and my husband does not turn me on any more. We have not had sex in 7 months. He is always tired. I have a very high sex drive and would like to have it 3 or more times a week. When we did have sex it sucked. So for the past 6 months I have be having an affair with my high school sweetheart. He is having the same issues with his wife. BUT, sex with him is the BEST sex that I have ever had!!!!! Every time is Fantastic!!!! I have tried to introduce my husband to new things and he is not interested. My affair and I have been trying to keep it just about sex with us and enjoying what we are not getting at home from our spouses. But for the past few weeks, I feel so much more for him, But I know that nothing is going to come from it. He would loose so much and I would loose so much. I want to end it but I don’t want to loose the GREAT sex. How do I get that feeling back for my husband and try to make sex better with him. I want to try and have HOT sex with him like I have with Mr. affair! How can I do that? I need help please!
In response to Secret Affair… From what you’ve said it sounds like you need to end it with Mr. Affair and reconnect with your husband. But, are you still in love with your husband? Is he still in love with you? If you haven’t been present in your relationship he’s sure to have noticed. Sounds like to need to lay some issues on the table and you both need to decide if you want to keep the relationship going.... for the “long haul”? You will need to consider telling him about the affair. You can research online for advise on that.
I think that in order to rekindle the romance and have hot, hot sex with your husband, you guys may need to reconnect on other levels. Try doing activities together that you both enjoy, have fun together, laugh together, play together, be happy. Try and get interested in each other again and that should lead to getting hot for each other.
These are just my opinions. I do think that doing some research online would help. But, you first need to decide what you are going to do and do it 100%. If you want to make it work with your husband you have to ditch the lover all together. You have to rebuild your relationship and he has to be able to trust you… you have to be in it 100%.
Or you could find out that your husband is a swinger and then you guys really could have some fun!!
Good Luck
Thank you so much! Two days ago I finally got the nerve to talk to my husband about my high sex drive, being in my mid 40s, I want it all the time...he is too tired and doesn’t seem to have the interest. I found this website and lights, bells and whistles went off. He just finished reading it, so time will tell if the bells are going off. He said it was a great article...his actions will be the telling factor. I am hopeful and smiling now. Our marital issues will not seem so bad with that intimacy back in our bedroom and hearts. Thank you for the part about it not being my responsibility to fix it. I will let you know! It is a very touchy subject talking to the male about performance, drive and so on. I made sure that I am not putting his manhood on trial that it is our issue and not his manhood. Marriage is by far the hardest job one can have.
My wife and I have not had sex in 15 years. I have recently tried interesting my wife in sex again. No dice. She won’t even talk to me about it. She says she is divorcing me in the next couple of years - when the time is right for her. It is very painful, agonizing, and frustrating. I have pent-up sexual energy, and no way to release it. It is taking its toll on my life, job performance, and self-interest.
Is there a point of no return, beyond which a woman’s sex drive cannot be restarted? If she goes X number of years without sex, is it really impossible for her to start again?
I really would like some feedback from the women in this blog. Thank you.
Post a comment