If I say this phrase – BDSM – what comes to mind? Leather, whips, chains, high-heeled boots, gags, heavy restraints and probably PAIN, right? For most people, the image of Bondage, or BDSM, connotes all of these things and probably much worse. They can't find even the remotest interest in exploring it because of the way it has been portrayed in the movies, media or in our own imaginations!
Well, I am here to tell you – BDSM does NOT have to be anything like what you have imagined! Playful bondage – the kind that will be discussed here – can and IS an EXTREMELY pleasurable experience for both partners – and can heighten the arousal to levels not previously attained – and all without pain!
Since I do pride myself on first and foremost educating people on the facts, let me begin with some definitions – so that we may all begin on the same metaphoric page. Many people don't even know what BDSM stands for.
Ask yourself, do you know what all the separate letters stand for?
B – stands for Bondage
D – stands for Discipline *or* Dominance
S - stands for Submission *or* Sadism
M – stands for Masochism
Now, let us say it all together: Bondage, Discipline, Submission and Masochism. Ok, I know – you are thinking, get me out of this article – I am scared! I beg of you, don't leave – you need not be scared.
The elements when put all together basically mean: being restrained, dominated and made to submit to your partner’s demands (and being disciplined when you don't) and deriving sexual pleasure from the infliction of differing levels of pain.
I know – still not feeling any better about this article, right? Well hold on there, help is on the way!
The most important thing to remember in this whole equation is this: THE LEVEL OF INTENSITY OF ALL OF THESE ELEMENTS IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY UP TO YOU AND YOUR PARTNER! ANY OF THESE ELEMENTS MAY BE REMOVED!
Feeling better? I thought you might be. Now stick with me!
For many people the only problem with the whole BDSM equation is this: pleasure from pain
If you are a person that does not even like a little spanking in the bedroom – then remove the M – Masochism, from your equation. You may still like the bondage and the submission – just take out the spanking. Perhaps you like a little nipple tugging but don't want to be tied down – TAKE IT OUT! The most important thing in any sexual play is PLEASURE – do what feels good for you and your lover!
I believe that BDSM has gotten a bad rap, so to speak, over the years – and that people are sometimes afraid to even approach the idea of bondage with their lover for fear that they will be bound and gagged and made to do horrible things that will give them no pleasure what-so-ever!
So, let us begin S L O W L Y – and let me bring you into the realm of light bondage and show you just how very pleasurable an experience it can and should be!
When dealing with Bondage play it is essential to have some basic ground rules. I always suggest that the couple sit down in a non-sexual situation and discuss where their comfort zone is. Perhaps go through a checklist to ensure that you are both on the same page.
*Discuss how you are willing to be tied (i.e. only arms, no legs); maybe you want to pretend to be tied initially (“inhibited movement play”) to see if you like to be restricted.
*Discuss what you are willing to have done in your impaired position – i.e. you can kiss me, touch me, but please let me free to have sex.
*Discuss what sensations you absolutely hate or make you uncomfortable – i.e. I don't like ice on my clit, don't want to have sex toys used on me, don't want my penis tied with anything.
*Discuss what would really make you uncomfortable in general – i.e. don't leave the room while I am tied.
Bondage communities have two safety terms they use: SSC (safe, sane and consensual) and RACK (risk aware consensual kink). These terms mean that you should always have CONSENSUAL play with your partner, you should NEVER BE IMPAIRED and you should be safe with your play.
In order to be safe, you should agree upon a safe word to use in the event that one of you feels uncomfortable. This word should be something unusual that you wouldn't say otherwise – like “groundhog.”
Getting the “rules” of play established not only makes you more at ease that nothing bad will happen, but it gets you more excited about what is going to happen while you play.
START WITH A FEATHER
Since this is BEGINNER’S BDSM – I will ease you in slowly, showing you how to tantalize and tease your lover and bring them to new heights of ecstasy with basic bondage techniques. Then, if you want to take your play to the next level, you can contact me on the Fetish & Bondage section of the Discussion Board.
More couples practice Bondage than people think – holding down your lover’s arms during sex, blindfolding them, tying them to the bed with a pair of pantyhose, spanking them during foreplay – this is all BDSM – and a form of playful bondage.
The reason that bondage play is so arousing is because we are eliminating one or more of our senses – and this heightens our other senses and makes them much more in tune to what is going on around us or happening to us.
When we take away one of our senses – let’s say our sense of sight - with a blindfold - all the activity that is going on around us takes on another level of intensity. Our ears will become more acute to all the noises in the room. Suddenly the sound a drawer opening or of our lover moving across the bed is something that causes us a little apprehension and anticipation. What is he getting out of the drawer? Where is he in the room? We can hear ice tinkling in a glass – did he put some in his mouth? Suddenly we hear a buzzing noise – is that a sex toy? All of these noises would have not caused this extraordinary sensory reaction if we could SEE what the noises were, where they were coming from and what was going to happen to us. We become more aroused because of the curiosity of the unknown and the anxiety of waiting to FEEL what will happen with what we cannot see!
If you then take away another sense - let's say the sense of touch - by limiting movement with some light restraints, you have stepped up the game. I highly suggest the TIE THE KNOT restraint kit for beginners, it comes with 4 sets of restraints for ankles and wrists AND a blindfold. They are closed with Velcro, so they are secure, but won't make your “prisoner” feel like he or she can't get out. The blindfold and cuffs are super soft too! Or, if you prefer, FURRY HANDCUFFS can give you a more secure tie to a bedpost or a chair, while still being soft on the wrists. If you don't have bedposts, the Japanese Bondage ROPE works JUST GREAT for putting it around the bottom of the bed and wrapping it around wrists or ankles. Advanced players may consider DOOR JAM RESTRAINTS or HOG TIE RESTRAINTS, but that is another article all together!
If you prefer NOT to be tied down, you can go the COLLAR / LEASH route – it is a little more typical BDSM, but many couples find it arousing to lead each other around on a leash. The LOVER'S PRISONER KIT / PINK PRISONER KIT comes with restraints and a collar and leash so that you can lead your lover to his fantasy come true! The leash can be then attached to a bedpost so that movement is restricted, but not totally inhibited! For people who are uncomfortable with full immobility this may be a good alternative. Or, the collar and leash combined with handcuffs. Once again, all YOUR CALL!
When two senses are impaired – sight and movement – the experience is doubly heightened. Now our sub-conscious self tells us that we are immobilized – which is an unnatural state for the body to be in. Meanwhile, our conscious self which has consented to the activity, is aroused by the possibilities of being tantalized by our lover while we are immobile. As our unconscious battles our sub-conscious, our lover is using our heightened state of arousal to tease us and tantalize us – and is also using our heightened arousal to arouse him / herself. It is a win-win situation!
The final thing to decide in this scenario is – how will you be dressed or undressed while you are tied down? My suggestion is NUDE! There is nothing quite like being spread eagle on a bed with your legs and wrists tied to the bedposts and eyes covered by a silky blindfold! The sensation of being naked also adds to the eroticism – it makes you as vulnerable as you can possibly be in that moment with your lover! BDSM is much about vulnerability! You are completely helpless to fight off whatever sexual delights he or she has in store for you while you are tied helpless and horny to the bed! Trust me – you will LOVE IT!
LET THE TEASING BEGIN!
When I suggest to you that you should START WITH A FEATHER – I meant that literally! Once you have decided on your state of undress – and the state of immobility – it is time to let the teasing begin!
***For the remainder of the discussion, I will refer to the person who is tied down as the SUBMISSIVE and the person who is doing the teasing as the DOMINANT.
The beauty of bondage is that the submissive can't move or fight off the sexual feelings that she or he will be having! It is a very powerful and erotic position for the Dominant to be in. It is also a very exciting position for the submissive. Personally, I get equal pleasure from both positions, but my heart lies with the submissive position.
This is a unique opportunity to experiment with a wide range of sensual touches – feathers, ice, heat, silky fabrics, tongues, fingers, sex toys – things that would surprise you lover upon contact with her or his skin.
Feathers or silky fabrics are a very sensual tools when used in bondage. They tickle, they excite, they make the skin’s neurotransmitters go crazy when passed along the skin! It is a totally wicked sensation to be tied down and have a feather or a silk scarf run up and down your thighs or around your breasts! Imagine a silk scarf wrapped gently around your lover’s penis and gently pulled up! The sensations of the fabric between your legs, on your thighs, on your clit – the possibilities for teasing are endless!
Contrary to what some people think, BDSM is not about violating someone during immobilization. The “art” of playful bondage involves teasing and tickling, licking and sucking, bringing your lover to the absolute highest passion possible.
LETS GET ORAL ON IT!
The tongue is a wonderful thing – it can bring such wonderful sensations to the neck, ears, face, mouth, chest – and of course, the clit or penis! During bondage, kissing, licking and sucking on your submissive is an absolute MUST! Why waste a moment of being able to savor every inch of his or her body with your tongue – teasing them with your hot breath, little flicks of the tongue, nibbles with your teeth. Take advantage now – your turn is coming!
Oral sex during bondage is an extremely powerful experience! I personally love to give my hb a blowjob when he is helpless to stop me from making him cum! The power involved with oral sex is one that many women still don't realize that they have. When the Dominant has oral sex with the submissive, the experience is completely different – the submissive feels vulnerable and helpless to stop the pleasure – but as I have mentioned – this is a GOOD THING! Here the use of warming gels or oral sex gels would be a great addition! Imagine being tied and blindfolded and having your lover giving you oral sex that suddenly heats up! What an amazing surprise and sensation! The possibilities are infinite! Ice can be an alternative here – putting an ice cube in your mouth – or an Altoid (yes, it works) during oral sex brings all new sensations to the table!
TOYS ANYONE? - View Our Tie ups / Restraints
The Dominant takes unique pleasure in his or her position of power over the submissive by devising new ways to pleasure his / her lover. One such way – and one of my personal favorites – is the use of sex toys. Most sex toys make some kind of noise – so when they are turned on – the submissive hears the “buzzing” of the toy and gets an anticipatory, anguishing excitement that will be very apparent to the Dominant.
Some of the best types of toys to use in beginning play are Mini-Vibes (Pocket Rocket) or Finger Vibrators (Fukuoku 9000) – because these toys allow the Dominant to tease all parts of the submissive’s body with the tantalizing vibrations. The nipples (view nipple toys), tummy, thighs and clit can be teased and played with all without the submissive knowing what is coming next or the ability to move away or fight the orgasm that is surely building!
The men are not left out – these wonderful massagers can be used on his nipples, tummy, balls, shaft and penis head to accomplish just as much pleasure as when used on her erogenous zones! Of course, he is tied down and can't make you stop touching his ‘sensitive areas’ either- so enjoy the power while you can!
Slimline vibrators are also good for sending some simple vibrations. If you and your lover have agreed to tease each other with sensations of all kinds – massagers, slimlines, or even warming gels or massage oils or creams might be a way to step up the sensations – all for the pleasure of your lover!
STEPPING IT UP!
If you and your lover are comfortable enough to go beyond “just teasing” each other while immobilized, then there is a whole other level to bondage play to explore. The use of sex toys can be increased to include full-on penetration with your submissive while she (or even HE) is tied. Sex toys in general bring such an element of eroticism to the bedroom – imagine how that sensuality and excitement would be increased if you didn't know what toy your lover had picked, when he was going to use it, and you were helpless to stop the use of the toy?
Many couples participate in sex toy play – however, many women do the playing themselves, allowing their partners to watch. Imagine now how excited your lover will become when HE gets to become an active participant in YOUR pleasure! It is such a step up from regular sex toy play.
There are only 2 rules in this portion: consent and lubrication. You should never, ever insert a sex toy into your lover without consent. Being tied down and / or blindfolded is a precarious position to be in, though enjoyable – you should never surprise your lover with the insertion of a sex toy! Second, lubrication is essential to make sure that there is no pain!
Now then – the sky is the limit as far as what toys you want to go with. Personally, my hb and I enjoy playing with our dual actions while I am immobilized (Thrusting Jack Rabbit, ivibe, or Strobing Probe) because they will drive me WILD – and he loves to watch it! We also sometimes go anal if I am tied on my hands and knees and then we go with the Vibrating Anal Beads. It is all about preference and comfort. You may want to go with something simpler – I prefer to go with the big guns.
Glow in the Dark vibes would also be great because the Dominant would be able to see all the action – close up and personal! My new favorite toy which will surely be making it’s way into our bondage play is the Metallic Heart-On engorged penis vibrator – nothing like a full feeling! My point – no matter what toy preference you and your lover have – it is fun to experiment and play with the extra sensory deprivation you will be experiencing here!
Now, if you are really taking it allllll the way from start to finish – and want to use bondage as more than just a foreplay tool – you can consider having sex while your partner is still tied up. For me, I feel extremely aroused when my hb is tied down and I am riding on him and I have all the control of the speed, position, depth, etc. Many people would prefer not to be tied at this point – perhaps they want to touch, see each other, move around – that is personal preference – THIS WHOLE THING IS ABOUT PERSONAL PREFERENCE.
For me, I enjoy either taking that control with my hb –or having him pound away on me while only my legs are free! I don't feel degraded or taken advantage of. I know I can be let out at any moment – I just enjoy knowing that he is enjoying his “ride” on the Mikayla train!
So, as far as this step goes – use your judgment – do what is comfortable for you and your lover!
END WITH A WHIP:
It is true that some people do enjoy a little bit of pain with their pleasure – I am one of those people. Now don't go running for the hills – I am not talking about drawing blood here - again, another article altogether - I am speaking of a little spanking, perhaps a little nipple pinching. If you are not interested in that – by all means, that is your call. However, for those of you who are – this section is for you!
Many of us joke about needing a little spanking now and then – but how many of us do it? Come on, tell the truth? How many of you have had a pat or a spank on the butt when you have been in the bedroom? I'll bet it is a whole lot more than people think! Spanking is the #1 “fetish” activity confessed by American women! How can so many women be wrong????
I am proud to say that I am one of those American women who LOVES a good spanking! In fact, when my hb gets going good – I will cum! I literally can cum just from spanking! So, don't knock it until you have tried it!
Whether you like a bare hand, a paddle or a whip (my favorite is my new pink one!) – spanking can be so exhilarating! A firm “smack” on the rear brings blood to the back of the body and causes heat to rise! It is definitely an acquired taste – and should be approached slowly – starting gently and getting harder depending on what you like personally!
Some women (ok……me) also like their clitoral areas spanked. I now know I am NOT the only one. I recently watched a porn called “Fetish: Dream Scape” where almost every woman in there was spanking her clitoral area! When you “spank” that area, blood gathers there and increases the sensations – hence the excitement. Now don't do it too hard – but just hard enough! Give it a try – I urge you!
GETTING A LITTLE NIPPY
Many women fully admit to liking their nipples “tweaked” – and some women (ok……me...... again) will admit to liking their nipples tweaked a little harder than most. What may be considered painful for some women, may be considered pleasurable for others. There is a whole line of products designed just for women like me and you – nipple clamps, weighted nipple jewelry and even nipple chains – that will give you the “pressure” that you are craving! Now be advised that these products are not for the faint at heart – many of them do get a nice hearty grip on your nip (hey, good rhyme!) and others just attach lightly. So, decide what level of comfort you want, and perhaps give it a try!
For those women and men who like to explore the further realms of their pain = pleasure equation, there are clit clamps and penis harnesses too (which I personally love as well) – but that is more of an advanced discussion and may scare off the newbies!
My point here is this: different strokes for different folks, and in BDSM, some folks like harder strokes!
If anything came through in this article, I hope it was that BDSM doesn't have to be scary and full of pain, but alternatively can and should be extremely enjoyable! As long as both partners trust in the other, feel that they want to explore the possibilities of bondage play, and are willing to tell the other when they become uncomfortable – the sky is the limit as to how sensual the experience can become!
Many of my friends have asked my advice on this subject and after I have explained it to them and they have tried some things, they have said to me, “Mikayla, you were soooo right. I didn't know I could get that excited from being tied up!” That is what I love to hear! I love to hear that my advice has made a difference to someone. I love to know that a couple has tried something maybe a little outside of their comfort zone and that it has brought them closer together as a couple! BDSM does that – brings a couple closer because it exposes the vulnerabilities that we all have.
So, this is the end of BDSM 101 – so to speak – I hope that it was informative and entertaining! If one woman gets a spanking tonight and enjoys it, or one man gets the blowjob of his life while tied to a chair - I know that this article has served it’s purpose! Happy and SAFE playing to all!
Discuss this article or the topic of BDSM/light bondage at our discussion board.