How to Keep the Love Alive After the Little Ones

This is one of the many questions that I get on forum AND from my many married friends: “Mikayla, how do you and your hubby keep the love alive after kids?”

My friends (and most readers of TooTimid) know that I have a 5-year old son whom I adore more than life. They also know that I have a pretty wonderful sex life even amidst life with a demanding child. So, how do I balance being “Mommy” and “Sex Goddess?” Well, if you have kids and want to know how to keep the lovin’ alive and kicking in your relationship – read on and hopefully some of the things I have learned throughout the years will help you to get your love life back on track!

Newborns: Tired, Crabby and NOT in the mood for Love
Even people without children understand that a newborn is EXTREMELY demanding emotionally and physically on both the mother and the father. Getting up numerous times during the night to feed, the constant diaper changes and crying, worrying about the little one in the next room, or at the foot of your bed. The emotional Love Letter change that happens when a couple has a child affects not only the mother, but the father too!

For mothers, there is a healing process that occurs after childbirth. We are tired, crampy, bleeding all the time, and are just, plain exhausted. Our bodies have rebelled against us, and we feel fat and undesirable. We have a recommended 6-week hiatus from worrying about sex – and honestly, during the first 3 weeks; I doubt many women WANT sex. However, after that time, we start wondering how we are going to resume sex with our current situation.

For fathers, there is an emotional healing process. He has most likely watched the miracle of birth (and wondered how her vagina will EVER be the same again)! He might have seen a C-Section, which most likely caused him anxiety and fear. When the baby and partner come home, she is no longer just his “lover” or “wife” but now also MOMMY! This can be a hard adjustment for some men to make. Oftentimes, there is also added financial pressure, time restraints with the demands of a child and a failure to understand exactly how hard it is to have a newborn. Then, when a man feels like he wants sex again, asking or confronting her can be EXTREMELY hard for him to do, and he may wait until she approaches him.

So, how do new parents deal with this stress and still have a love life? Well, for me and my hubby, we simply learned to do other things until we could medically have sex again. We kissed and cuddled, I gave him blowjobs to keep him happy, and he gave me massages which at that time were better than sex (yes, I said it!) Basically, we slowly adjusted to having a child but also stayed emotionally connected. This was important for me, and for him, to still connect as a couple and not just as parents.

Then, when it was OK for me to resume sexual activities, we kept it easy and simple. I was tired much of the time, but knew that I wanted to reconnect on that level. My hubby was very understanding about going slow, he gave me ample time to warm up, and he was gentle and caring. I made time for sex. By the 6 week mark, my son had a sleeping schedule. We knew we had 4 good hours after 10:00 pm – so we made time then. Sometimes sex was preceded by a nice, warm bath for me, then a slow massage, foreplay and SEX! It was fulfilling for both of us, and it was a nice stress reliever after a day with a newborn.

Many of my friends found that it was too hard to get over the feeling of being tired and emotionally drained to concentrate on sex. They found themselves delaying sex, and their partners became frustrated and even angry. The longer they waited, the harder it became to get back into the swing of things. When it finally did happen (up to 6 months later!) it seemed awkward and rushed. This is what I want every new parent to avoid! Just because you have given birth does not mean you have to disconnect emotionally and sexually from your lover!

The most important thing to remember during this early period is to still show love for your partner and yourself. It may take time for your body to return to its pre-preggo state – and it might never be the same – but you have to love yourself as well as your accomplishment for having a child. IF you feel confident and sexy – your man will see that and be just as attracted to you (if not more) than he was before the baby came! Let him know that you still see HIM in the same way too – he could have some issues after baby. Show emotional support for one another and soon sex will become as hot as ever!

How To Deal With A "Baby Hiatus" From Sex

I can SEE you…
After the newborn stage there is a middle stage from about 6 months to 2 years where your child is growing and developing and watching EVERYTHING you do! Let me assure you, your child has NO idea what sex is (or what the specific body parts are) up until approximately 2-3 years old! They can discern when you and your partner are being caring and loving with one another, but if your little one crawls into your bedroom one night and catches you “in the act” – do NOT worry – he or she has NO idea what you are doing!

This is one of the biggest obstacles for new parents – how to be flirtatious and intimate with a smaller child roaming around. So, what do you do about it? Nothing! You can still hug, kiss and grab your partner’s ass without your child picking up on it and doing it at daycare. Younger children are not cognitively able to discern a sex act. After about 2 ½, (or when they begin to notice differences in anatomy), is when the open sexual contact should be limited.

Now, am I advocating having full on sex in front of your 2 year old? NO, OF COURSE NOT! I am simply saying that if you are worried about your little crawler seeing you in the act, stop worrying and just have sex! If you feel safe enough – lock your doors – but if you find yourself in a situation where you have to cohabitate with your little one (vacations or small apartments) do not concern yourself with what your little one may wake up and see. Be as careful as you feel you need to be, but remember that they will not be damaged by watching you and your lover doing the horizontal mambo.

MOM… Can I sleep in YOUR bed tonight?
Ah yes, the toddler stage of child rearing years! When your little one is no longer so little and likes to frequent your room in the middle of the night, it is time to take some sexual precautions. While no parent wants to lock their child out of their room, or make them feel like they are being forbidden to come to Mom or Dad for help at night, this is a good time to start teaching your toddler about privacy and boundaries.

Having a place where you can retreat away from your kids is not a cruel thing to do; it is actually not only a necessity for sanity, but also a great teaching tool! Your child should learn that everyone – including himself – is entitled to privacy. Learning to lock the bathroom door (or at least shut it), have alone bath time, and even being allowed to retreat to their room unencumbered is an important lesson for your little ones.

So, at night if you are in the mood for love – LOCK YOUR DOOR! Every parent knows the desperate cries of a child who “truly” needs them, as opposed to the whiny “I do not want to go to sleep” cry that all kids do! Teach your child to knock when they see your door closed, and to wait until someone responds to try and open the door. If they are having an emergency, you can stop what you are doing, throw on a robe and go and attend to your child. No one is suggesting that you ignore your child for the sake of sex!

Once you have successfully locked your child out of your room and realized that they are going to be just fine – it will be more relaxing and enjoyable for you to connect with your lover. I am also not suggesting this technique be used in the middle of the day when your kids are small – reserve those middle-day nookie times for when your kids are teens or older!

WHAT are you two DOING in THERE??
There will come the day when your little one is old enough to KNOW or SUSPECT what you are doing in the locked bedroom or bathroom. This can happen as early as 8 – and is a source of embarrassment for many parents. The important thing to remember when this stage comes is, even though you might not relish the fact that your child thinks you are having sex, it is good for them to know that their parents are having a healthy, happy and fun sex life! You might not see it now, but it is true.

My parents used to have a ‘Sunday’ arrangement where they would “nap” for about 2 hours. I was about 9 when I realized what they were actually doing in there, and they were NOT napping! While in my younger years I thought that was totally gross, in my older years I realize that they were in love (and still are) and needed that time away from us to connect and have sex! Now I remember those days fondly, but I sure didn’t think of it that way at the time!

A healthy relationship helps a child build a foundation for THEIR future relationships, and having a somewhat open and accepting view of sexuality is very important to teach them. Every parent handles this different – and decided WHEN to have THE TALK with their kids. The fact is, at one time or another; you MUST talk to your kids about sex. There is way too much information that they need, as well as safety tips they need to know. So be honest and open and do not hide your sexuality and love for your partner.

Hey Mom, what is that NOISE?
Ah yes, the question every toy owning person or couple fears that their child will ask. Your answer, of course, depends on the age of the child. If they are small, there is no explanation necessary. If they are older (teens) it is up to you if you want to tell them about your battery operated fun toys! Many couples would LOVE to have sex toys, but are afraid that their children will hear them or worse yet, FIND THEM!

Children are not the end of sexual fun, people! I have a curious 5 year old who did eventually find my stash of toys and it sure didn’t stop me from getting more. I was a little late in hiding my treasures, but the experience did get me on the hunt for a storage solution. Unlike most people, I have A LOT of sex toys – over 200 now. I had to sort and decide what items would be stored and what items I would keep closer by. With so many favorites, it was hard to decide.

What I ended up doing was getting a small lock-box to keep in my nightstand. In this box I keep my lubes (more for fear of my son eating one), my smaller toys and my oral sex lubes. This is for ease in finding, so I can monitor expiration dates, and so that I have easy options right by my bed. In my lower drawer I keep the toys that look like (or are) massagers. I feel that those are pretty innocuous and do not cause much suspect with my 5-year old. The remainder of my “favorites” are placed in two, under the bed, locking containers. I know which toys are in which box, and I can easily reach and use anything I want.

I am living proof that you can have your kids and your sex toys too! Of course, as your kids get older, they will become more suspicious and just plain nosey. At this point I would definitely consider boxes or trunks that seriously lock. Or, if your child is old enough, explain the situation and what is in the boxes. Your teenager would appreciate the honesty!

As for hiding the sound of the toys….this is easy enough – use music! Soft, romantic music played while you are engaging in sex can mask the sound of the toys well. Place the radio BY the door so little ears pressed to the door can hear nothing but the music wafting softly from the boom box! Also, if they do happen to hear the toys going – who cares? If they are young, they will have NO idea what the noise is. If they are older, oh well! They know Mom and Dad have a lot of FUN!

OH MY GOD – I just saw my parents NAKED…
I would wager a guess that almost every set of parents have been caught “in the act.” For me it was when I was 17. I came home early from Pom practice to find my parents in the living room, on the couch and my Dad was between my Mom’s legs! OH MAN! Talk about personal scarring! I knew my parents had sex, but I didn’t NEED or WANT to SEE IT!

I, of course, ran screaming from the house and only returned much, much later. My Mom and Dad did not mention the “incident” and no one talked to me about it. Personally, I think that they should have just said, “Sorry hon, it is our house and we thought you were gone for the night!” Parents should not have to make excuses for having sex in their own houses when their children are presumed to be out. I know now that my parents were keeping the sex fun and alive and I am grateful for that lesson…now.

So if you have been caught buck nekked and in the throws of passion, please remember that it is YOUR right to have sex! Depending on the age of your child (or children) take the appropriate measures. DO NOT apologize for the act. Making sex seem natural is important to a healthy sexual attitude for kids!

LIVE AND LEARN…
In conclusion, child rearing is a continual lesson! We learn things from our kids, and they learn from us every, single day! Having a healthy sex life is a great life lesson for your kids. When they are small, do not worry so much about sex. Remaining sexual and intimate with your partner are ESSENTIAL parts of a healthy relationship. Teaching your children about PRIVACY is also an important lesson that you too must be prepared to abide by as they get older.

Teaching your children about sex and about sexuality is every parent’s duty in life. When and how you teach this lesson is up to you to decide, but I stress honesty over embarrassment, openness over avoidance, and encouragement for sensuality (not necessarily sexuality) over abstinence. Does this mean that I want you to tell your children to have sex? NO! I believe that children should look at sex as a normal, healthy and important part of a COMMITTED relationship. After all, we are our children’s first teachers – and we have to teach them all the lessons of life!

How Do You Keep Things Hot?
Let Us Know!